Aspects of Love
by Joanne W
Summary: (Sequel to 'Breaking the Rules' and 'Mirror Mirror'). Coping in the aftermath. Buffy finds out just how much she's prepared to love Xander.
1. Chapter One

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Aspects of Love

Part One

Written by: Joanne W

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Summary: Coping in the aftermath. Just how much is Buffy prepared to love Xander?  
**Sequel to:** 'Mirror Mirror' and 'Breaking the Rules'  
**Rating:** **R** for violence, language and sexual situations.  
**Disclaimer:** Anything or anyone you know to be from Buffy belongs to Joss Whedon and all his little friends. Anything or anyone else that I've blatantly made up belongs to me.   
**Warning:** The flashback sequence in the latter part of the story is quite graphic, so be warned now.  
**Author's Notes:** This fic starts three months after Mirror Mirror ended. Also notes for British spelling, *'s indicate word emphasis and //'s indicate direct character thoughts. 

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Xander was floating.

At least he thought he was floating. He could have been drifting. He wasn't too sure.

He knew he wasn't flying, because he couldn't remember ever being able to do that. Especially being able to fly on his back.

At least Xander thought he was on his back. He wasn't quite sure about many things at the moment. Thoughts never seemed to stay long enough in his head for him to be able to concentrate on them properly.

The same thing went for memories. Especially his current ones. They just flitted in and out of his head, not even giving him a chance to see anything, only allowing him to feel brief sensations and emotions.

Another thing Xander wasn't sure of was *where* he was. As far as he could make out he was in a big black hole of nothingness. There was no sound, no breeze, no nothing.

Strangely though, Xander wasn't worried that he was drifting, floating or whatever he decided he was doing. Because despite it's nothingness, Xander felt safe. There was only him here and that meant there was nothing could hurt him. Xander, in his moments when he could feel things, felt that was the important thing. That he was safe.

-------------------

Buffy took the cup of coffee that Giles handed her. She looked up and gave him a brief smile "Thanks" she said before turning her attention back to Xander.

It had been three months now that Xander had been in a coma and there had been no change in his condition. The doctors had run every test they could, and they now said it was a question of just waiting.

Buffy was seated by Xander's bed, a position she had barely been out of since Xander had been in the hospital. She sighed sadly and took hold of Xander's hand and squeezed it gently. Xander was still hooked up to machines that monitored his vital signs and drips, but he was still breathing by himself and his dressings had all been removed and his head was no longer bandaged.

Giles put his hand on Buffy's shoulder "Buffy" he said gently "I don't think he's going to wake up by your willpower alone"

"I know that Giles" Buffy said softly "But I just can't help thinking that maybe the next time I squeeze his hand, will be the time that he squeezes mine back."

"Then maybe someday he will. Some day soon" Giles said kindly. Then he sighed sadly "Buffy, I have to be going now. I have to open the shop" he paused "Are you going to be coming in today?"

"Uh... yeah" Buffy said "Xander has his check up at twelve o'clock and they don't like me being here, so I'll be into work today"

"I wasn't pressuring, Buffy" Giles said "And Ren is coming in today anyway"

"I *said* I'd *be* there Giles-" Buffy stopped "Sorry" she put her hand over his that was on her shoulder " I didn't mean to-"

"It's OK" Giles said, his tone understanding "Look" he stepped back and went to stand in the doorway to Xander's room "If you come in I'll be glad to see you. If you decide to stay here, I won't mind"

Buffy smiled gratefully "Thanks Giles"

Giles smiled back and left Buffy with Xander. He closed the door and walked out on to the corridor. He looked through the small window and watched sadly for a few minutes before he began to walk away.

He hadn't wanted to return from England to *this*. He'd left them here with every intention of trying to *help* Buffy. But, as it turned out it, hadn't even *been* Buffy. He remembered how much he had been horrified when Willow had relayed to him the whole story. How it had been Tay, Ren's sister, pretending to be Buffy in someone else's body. How Buffy had been kept prisoner by Tay (and Spike), until the time came for Buffy to have to watch Xander die infront of her very eyes. Buffy had told him that Tay had said she'd slept with Xander. Buffy hadn't known whether to believe her or not, that she didn't know whether Tay was just trying to torment her even more. But Buffy said she couldn't really be sure of anything that happened between Tay and Xander until Xander woke up. 

//That is if he ever does// Giles rubbed at his temples. Giles knew that he should be thinking more positively, but Giles had begun to think more realistically. The doctors still seemed to think that Xander only had a forty percent chance of regaining consciousness and even then they had no idea if he'd suffered any brain damage and to what extent it would be if he had.

Giles knew that all this was taking its toll on Buffy. It was hard on all of them, especially as they all blamed themselves for not seeing Tay for who she really was. Buffy had told them that Tay was good with magic and had said that she'd tricked them by giving herself Buffy's aura, therefore Tara was right about sensing a different aura for the body they were seeing. But it still didn't stop the guilt.

And then there was Ren. Ren, who's world had come crashing down around her. She had disappeared the night it all happened. Willow said she had left Ren by herself to go after Buffy and when she had got back Ren had gone, leaving no indication of where she was going to be or if she was coming back.

But Ren *had* come back. Giles remembered opening his door and finding her standing there, still looking the same but Giles could see in her eyes that she wasn't the same inside. Of course one could say that was down to the fact that Tay had given Ren her mortality back, but Giles knew better. She wasn't the same confident woman he knew and adored; she looked like a confused little girl who had lost everything she had come to know.

Giles had taken her in, not wanting her to go through what she was by herself. Gradually she had come out of her shell, however she still wasn't her usual self, but Giles put that down to being worried about Xander's current state of health.

It had been a tough time for all of them. They all spent as much time as they could with Xander, letting him know that they weren't going to abandon him. Willow had started back at school, throwing herself into her college studies to help her cope, but still she found the time to be with Xander. Buffy had decided to take a year out of college, because she didn't think she'd be able to concentrate on anything and it would be a waste of her time. Buffy was now living back at home with Joyce and helping Giles when she could in the Magic Box, the shop he had taken over when the last owner had met an untimely demise.

Giles sighed sadly as he left the hospital and he began to make his way to his car //Just the beginning of another day on the Hellmouth//.

-------------------

Xander wasn't floating anymore. He wasn't drifting either. He was falling.

Falling downwards rather quickly. Hurtling in fact. He yelled out, to express verbally his concern that he was falling at a somewhat alarming rate and there was no sign of what he was heading downwards to.

Then suddenly he stopped, his fall being broken by an armchair which apparently rushed upwards to meet him and which he was now sitting on. Xander considered this unusual, as he hadn't remembered seeing any chairs in the 'nothingness', let alone ones that seemed to be suspended in mid-air.

Xander looked around at his surroundings. He was still in the nothingness, but, Xander realised, he could make out the armchair he was sitting in. It was greenish and comfy and not unlike Giles' couch in style. Xander could also see what he was wearing and it looked like a hospital gown. Xander's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Huh" he said simply. Then he had to shield his eyes as a sudden flash of light erupted in front of him and then disappeared just as quickly.

Xander blinked a couple of times to let his eyes focus. When they did they focused on someone who had apparently appeared with the flash of light.

Sprawled lengthways on a red, velvet covered sofa (also suspended in mid-air) there was a woman dressed in a long, white flowing satin gown. She had a white, crushed velvet shawl wrapped around her shoulders over which long dark hair fell. To complete the outfit she wore a silver headband, from which protruded two stars, each on a short spring. 

She was also disturbingly familiar to Xander.

Both Xander's eyebrows hit his hairline "*Cordy*?"

Cordelia raised her own eyebrow in response "If you say *one* word about my head gear Xander Harris..." she trailed off, giving him a warning look.

"Uh... 'kay" Xander cleared his throat "Um, not to get straight to the point, but what the *hell* is going on here?"

Cordelia frowned at him in surprise more than anything "You mean you don't know?"

Xander shook his head "Not a clue" he replied the paused "I'm *supposed* to know?"

"You *really* *don't* know?"

Xander felt a little exasperated "I said so, didn't I?!"

"Hey!" Cordelia huffed "There's no need to get *snappy*"

Xander pinched the bridge of his nose "Cordelia, could you please just tell me what's going on?"

"Well... if you *don't* know, it's a good job you're sitting down"

Xander just looked at her "OK, that didn't fill me with confidence."

Cordelia looked back at him sadly "It's not" she hesitated "You're in limbo."

Xander blinked "Limbo?" he looked around and then back to Cordelia "OK... that actually *does* kinda make sense" he paused "Why am I in limbo?"

"Well..." Cordelia cleared her throat "You're... you're in a coma"

"I'm in a *what*?"

"A coma"

"That's what I thought you said" Xander drew in a shaky breath "A coma?"

Cordelia nodded sadly "You got hurt bad"

"I... oh god" he looked at Cordelia anxiously "Buffy? She's not hurt, she's-"

"No" Cordelia replied quickly "She's fine. The others too"

Xander sank back into his seat and ran his hand through his hair "What happened? How did it happen?"

"You really don't remember?" Cordelia asked again, concerned.

Xander shook his head "I don't remember much. At least I don't think I do" he paused, searching his memory "I-I remember..." he smiled widely "I remember I asked Buffy to marry me. She said yes"

"Y'know, I can't believe you two ever got together" Cordelia said "I mean, I *never* thought it would happen-" she broke off and grinned sheepishly "But that's not what we're talking about is it?"

Xander smiled "It's OK. I mean, I never thought we would either" Xander began to pick at the arm of the chair.

"You're really happy, huh?"

"I love her" Xander said simply "I remember that"

Cordelia smiled genuinely "Good"

"How... how is she?" Xander asked "Buffy... she's OK, right?"

Cordelia's smile faded a little "She's doing OK. She misses you"

"How long have I-"

"Three months"

"Three... oh god... woah... that's..." Xander ran his hand through his hair again "W-what happened?"

"Like I said" Cordelia replied "You got hurt bad"

"But I don't remember getting hurt... oh wait... it's coming back... I-I remember a patrol" Xander sat forward a little, memories emerging in his mind "Buffy and I... we were together... then-then there were lights and an explosion" Xander began to search his memories again "Was I in the explosion?" he asked Cordelia "Is that what happened?"

Cordelia shook her head sadly "No Xander, that's not what happened" she swung her legs off the sofa and suddenly flooring appeared on the surrounding area immediately underneath where they were seated "Xander" Cordelia continued "What I'm about to tell you... well it won't be..." she paused "It's not nice"

Xander looked at her apprehensively "Do I really want to know?"

"You *have* to know, Xander" she replied "You don't have a choice"

"Tell me"

Cordelia did.

When she'd finished Xander stared at her in horror "Oh god" he said hoarsely. He lifted his legs on to the cushion and hugged his knees to his chest "I think I'm going to be sick"

"Xander" Cordelia got up and walked across the suspended floor over to him. She knelt down by his chair "None of that was *your* fault. None of it"

Xander began to rock slightly "I should have known" he said "I should have known"

As he began to repeat those four words over and over, Cordelia stood in front of him and placed a hand on each of his knees to stop him rocking "Xander, stop it" she said softly "You *couldn't* have known"

Xander looked up at her "But I should have" he said "I should have seen-"

"But you *did* see" Cordelia said "Remember? When Tara cleared your mind of the suggestions that Tay put in there, you saw Tay for who she was. You *knew*, even with her having Buffy's aura, that she wasn't *Buffy*"

"But I was too late. I was-"

"Oh for God's sake Xander, would you just *snap* *out* of it?!" Cordelia stepped back "Listen. To. Me. It *wasn't* your fault. It was that bitch Tay. *She* did all this. Not *you*. OK?"

"But-"

"*No* *buts*" Cordelia said, "*No* *one* blames you. *Buffy* doesn't blame you" Cordelia's demeanour softened "She *misses* you. She wants you to go back to her"

"She does?" hope crept into Xander's voice "Really?"

"Yes." Cordelia smiled "Really."

"So-so how do I get back?"

Cordelia sat back down "You can't go just yet" she said, "You're not better"

Xander's face fell "But I want to be with her."

"The time isn't right Xander" Cordelia replied "You'll have to wait"

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(Some time later)

"Cordelia?"

"Hmm?" Cordelia sat examining her nails.

"Can I ask why you're here in um... limbo... *with* me?" Xander asked.

Cordelia looked across at Xander "We've been sitting here for *how* long and you've only just asked?"

"I've had other things on my mind" Xander protested "And how long *have* we been here"

"A few days."

"A few *days*?" Xander repeated "But it *can't* have been. It's got to be only a few hours since *you* got here"

"Time passes differently here" Cordelia shrugged nonchalantly.

"How do you know?" Xander asked, "How do you know all this stuff? *What* are *you* doing here? *How* are you here"

Cordelia sighed "It's kind of an astral projection... thingy."

"All right" Xander said slowly "I'll buy that" he paused "But why *you*? I mean why not... Willow?"

"You're picking Willow over me *again*?"

Xander buried his face in his hands "I just walk *right* into them don't I?"

"Yup" Cordelia smiled a little.

Xander looked up from his hands "I'm all messed up" he said quietly "I don't understand any of this"

Cordelia looked at him warmly "I don't know why it's me, Xander" she admitted "All I know is: I'm here and I have to help you"

"Then why can't you help me by sending me back?"

"Because you're not ready."

"All right. How long before I *am* ready?"

"When they tell me I can let you go" Cordelia replied.

"They?"

Cordelia huffed "Don't *even* get me started on *them*

Xander stared at her for a few seconds "Uh... maybe later, huh?"

Cordelia smiled "Sure" she said. Then she sighed "Y'know you can get up and walk about. You don't have to keep sitting down."

"I'd rather stay here thanks" Xander replied "Strangely I don't trust floors suspended in thin air."

"Pfft. You're just worried about me seeing your butt through that hospital gown."

"Am not" Xander protested.

Cordelia smiled "Are too. I wouldn't worry. It's a great butt."

Xander stared at her "Cordy!"

"What?" she said innocently.

"You... you..." he sighed "Nevermind" Xander tried to surreptitiously bring his knees together and pull his gown as far as he could over them.

Cordelia grinned "Too late for *that*"

Xander glared at her "Can't you like *zap* me some new clothes or something?"

"I get to choose?"

Xander eyed her warily "Just so long as it's not a g-string."

Cordelia contemplated that image for a moment before waving her hand "There" she said, "How's that?"

Xander looked down at the only item of clothing Cordelia had given him and then he looked back across at her "Leather pants?"

Cordelia began to grin, then her attention was drawn to something else and she frowned slightly.

Xander looked down again to see what Cordelia was looking at "Oh" he said after a while "This... this is what she did?" Xander began to trace his finger along one of the two large, still slightly pink scars that ran lengthways across his abdomen.

"Yeah" Cordelia replied sadly "But Buffy got her back."

Xander looked at Cordelia hopefully "Can you magic Buffy here too?" he asked.

Cordelia shook her head "I'm sorry Xander, I can't."

"Oh... I just..." Xander sighed "How long before I can go back?"

Cordelia closed her eyes and it looked to Xander as if she was listening to something. A few moments later Cordelia opened her eyes and spoke:

"Soon" she said.

-------------------

Giles looked up from his book that lay on the counter when he heard the shop door open and smiled warmly when he saw Ren walk in. Despite her becoming mortal from one hundred and eighty-ish years of living as a demon, physically she didn't look any different to Giles, but then she had never looked like a demon in the first place. She was still beautiful, although her eyes didn't seem to shine as much as they used to. Her hair was still a pale blue and it hung in long waves that fell over her shoulders.

"Morning" Giles greeted

"Hey Rupert" she smiled back, indicating the book that Giles had been reading "Hard at work I see."

"No, no... it's, uh, research actually" Giles said, turning the book around for her to see. He pointed out a picture of a demon "Willow and I spotted one of these while out on patrol the other night."

Ren wrinkled her nose "Man, he didn't just get hit with the ugly stick" she commented "More like the whole bloody tree."

"Buffy said the same thing," Giles said closing the book "I stopped by the hospital again this morning to check on her and Xander"

Ren's eyes saddened a little "She's still going there after patrol?"

Giles nodded "The last time I told her to get some proper rest she threatened to rip off my arm and hit me around the head with it if I didn't stop nagging her."

Ren sighed "I take it there was no change?"

"No" Giles ran a hand over his hair "No change."

"Is Buffy going to be there all day?" Ren asked "I was going to go up with Willow and Tara later this afternoon."

"Actually" Giles said "I think Joyce was going to try and get her out of there for a while. Give her a change of scenery."

Ren nodded "She'll make herself ill if she keeps carrying on the way she is" Ren leant against the counter "The other night when we were on patrol she almost got taken down by this piddly little vamp. I mean, even in my current state, *I* could have taken him"

"Perhaps we could try and talk to her again" Giles suggested.

"You think she'll listen?"

"It's worth a shot" Giles replied "Plus if we all go together she's less likely to rip off one of my limbs."

"I'll speak to Willow and Tara when I see them," Ren said. Then she smiled slightly "They're going to read him X-Men comics."

"Do you think he can hear what's going on around him?"

"I like to think he does" Ren replied "I tell him stories of some of my wilder days. The ones I never told him when I was with him before" she smiled wryly "Better late than never, huh?"

"Why did you never tell him before?" Giles asked.

"I didn't want to scare him away" she sighed "Perhaps if I'd have told him everything about me" Ren looked at the floor "None of this would have happened. If he'd known about Tay-"

"Ren, you couldn't have known any of this was going to happen" Giles reached out and touched her chin, gently tilting her face back up "None of us saw this coming"

"But *why* didn't we Rupert?" Ren said "The first time, I was here for months before we even knew what I was saving him from. This time... this time it all happened within a matter of *less* than two weeks and there was no warning, no nothing!"

"I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that Ren" Giles said "Maybe we never will."

-------------------

"Mom" Buffy protested as her Joyce tugged her from Xander's room "Mom, I really don't want to go shopping."

Joyce slowed down and turned to her daughter and looked her over. Buffy looked haggard with her now ever-present bags under her eyes and her hair pulled back in an untidy ponytail. Buffy wore a pair of old jeans and a thin, short sleeved sweater top that had seen better days.

"Buffy, you need to get out of that room" Joyce said, "I'm worried about you. You don't look well."

"Mom, I'm fine. Really" she pried her hand away from her mother's "I just want to be with Xander."

Joyce smiled warmly at her daughter "Buffy, honey. I'm sure Xander won't mind being by himself for a few hours. I have it on good authority Willow, Tara and Ren are coming up this afternoon, so he's not going to be alone for long."

"It's not-"

"Buffy" Joyce gave her a stern look "I'm only thinking of you. I want you to get some fresh air" she took Buffy's hand again "You don't want Xander to wake up and find that you're sick now do you?"

Buffy hesitated "No" she said finally. She looked at her mother "I'm coming back tonight though."

Joyce smiled "Then maybe we can find something for you to read to him" she and Buffy began to walk "I think Willow and Tara are warping his mind with those comics they keep bring in"

Buffy chuckled "Mom, they're *Xander's* comics"

Joyce let go of Buffy's hand and put her arm around her daughter's shoulder instead "Y'know, that's the first time I've heard you laugh for weeks" she said, "You should try to let yourself do it more often"

"You won't be able to stop me when he wakes up mom" Buffy replied "But for now... you might just have to wait.

-------------------

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(Sometime later)

"Well, what about this?" Joyce held up yet another dress for Buffy to see "It's the same colour as the one in the last store"

"S'okay" Buffy flipped idly through the clothes on the rack.

"You didn't even look at it."

Buffy turned to her mother and gave her an apologetic look "Sorry mom... I-I guess I'm just a little pre-occupied."

Joyce smiled understandingly "I know" she hung the dress back on the rack "I guess shopping wasn't such a great idea, huh?"

"Somehow it doesn't seem to hold the wonder and joy it once did" Buffy replied with a small smile.

"You wanna get a coffee instead?"

Buffy nodded and followed her mother out of the store.

-------------------

About ten minutes later Buffy and Joyce were seated at a table, each with a large mocha in front of them.

"Are you working tomorrow?" Joyce asked Buffy "Because if you aren't and you want a change of scenery, I could use some muscle at the gallery"

"Oh... I don't know" Buffy replied "I wasn't working but..."

"It was just a suggestion," Joyce said with a smile "I know you'd like to be with Xander"

Buffy stared in to her coffee "It's just... it's just I think that if I'm not there, that's he's going to wake up and he'll think that he's been left alone" she looked up at her mother "I don't want him to think that. I want to be there when he opens his eyes."

"I'm sure you will be" Joyce said reassuringly.

"I won't give up on him, mom" Buffy said "I won't."

"I never thought you would" Joyce replied and took a sip of her coffee "You practically live at the hospital. That's hardly being someone who's going to give up."

"I love him so much. I-I don't know what I'd-" Buffy broke off when she felt a tear slide down her cheek.

"Hey sweetie" Joyce took one of Buffy's hands "Don't upset yourself. Don't think like that. If you start to let it break you then *she's* won. Don't let her win."

Buffy knew whom her mother meant. Tay. Buffy took a deep breath, dispelling more tears that had threatened to fall "You're right mom" Buffy said firmly "She won't win."

Joyce smiled "That's my girl."

Buffy managed to smile back "Mom?"

"Hmm?"

"I did see some shoes I liked..."

Joyce smiled again "Let's see if they're still there, huh?"

They both got off their stools and began to walk.

"Y'know" Joyce said, "Maybe we could get you some clothes to match them"

"Are you hinting at something?" Buffy said with a small smile.

"Buffy, I haven't seen you out of jeans since Xander's been ill and if you want to be there when Xander wakes up" Joyce turned to her daughter, her eyes twinkling a little "I'm sure you'll want to look your best"

Buffy rolled her eyes "Mom, Xander *proposed* to me when I was just wearing one of his T-shirts and covered in goop as a result of a faulty blender" she smiled at the memory and absently touched the ring she still wore on her left hand "I don't think he'll mind what I'm wearing"

Joyce looped her arm through Buffy's "Then he won't mind if you're wearing something nice."

"I can't win can I?"

"Nope."

"In that case... I *really* liked those blue pants in Bloomy's"

-------------------

Tara closed the comic and put it back in her bag, before looking across Xander's bed at Willow.

"Are you sure you didn't bring anything else?" Tara asked.

Willow shook her head "I didn't think I'd need to" she said, "You read too quick"

Tara stuck her tongue out at her girlfriend "All right. What now?"

"We could tell him about patrol the other night where I kicked that demon's ass" Willow suggested.

Tara grinned "You just wanna show off *and* you've already told him"

Willow pouted "Well, what do you suggest?"

"Ooh. I-I have tarot cards," Tara said. She reached into her bag and produced them "We could do some readings for him."

"Um... doesn't Xander kinda have to be... *involved* for that?" Willow said in a quiet voice.

"W-well, not necessarily" Tara replied "He can hold them for a little while. That'd work" Tara passed the cards to Willow.

Willow looked at them dubiously, before turning to speak to Xander "Y'know Xander, Tara doesn't just do this for anyone"

Willow took hold of Xander's hand and pressed the cards into his hand, trying to curl his finger's underneath. Realising that they weren't going to stay there, Willow held her own hand over Xander's. She looked at Xander sadly. Willow reached out with her free hand and brushed Xander's hair off his face. She allowed her hand to linger and she gently touched her fingers to his cheek, grazing the scar he had there "It's not fair" she whispered sadly.

Tara got up and went over to Willow "Sweetie, why don't we just sit here with him, huh?" Tara took the cards from underneath Willow and Xander's hands "We don't have to do anything"

Willow kept her hand on Xander's "You don't mind?"

Tara began to stroke Willow's hair "Of course not."

Willow leaned back into her girlfriend's touch "I just want to hear him laugh again Tara" Willow said "That's not too much to ask it?"

"No, it's not" Ren said.

Both girls turned to face the other woman who had just arrived. "Hey" Tara smiled "You get everything done?"

Ren nodded "You two OK?"

"Just getting a bit weepy" Willow said, sniffling a little "I don't think I could have kept up being cheerful for much longer anyway."

Tara gave Willow's shoulder a comforting squeeze "You can't help how you feel" Tara said.

Ren sat down in the chair Tara had previously occupied. She looked at Xander and frowned slightly "I wish Buffy would get them to cut his hair."

"Oh... I kinda like it long. And the four day old stubble." Willow said, "Makes him look cuter."

Ren's smile got a little wider "That's possible?"

Willow looked at her and smiled back "You're probably right."

"Hey, should I be worried?" the blonde witch asked.

Willow looked up and saw Tara was smiling "Nope" she put her hand over Tara's "Course not" Willow paused, her eyes then twinkled a little "But then I guess you've never seen him in Speedo's"

Tara raised an eyebrow "Speedo's?"

Ren chuckled "Oh, I've seen him in less than that."

Willow rolled her eyes "Yeah, you and your-your corrupting demony ways-" Willow broke off "Oh... I-I'm sorry. I-"

Ren waved her off "Willow, it doesn't matter. The only thing I want my demonhood back for would be to heal Xander. Other than that... I'm happy as I am."

"Well that's good" Willow replied "You're like all... *nice* now"

Ren stared at her "Gee... thanks Willow."

Willow smiled "You're welcome."

-------------------

Buffy walked slowly along the corridor towards Xander's room. It was late in the evening and she had spent nearly all day with her mother. It was rare that she spent that much time away from Xander. Buffy spent most night curled up in a chair by his bed, only half asleep, the awake half of her hoping to detect some signs of life from Xander.

But in three months there had been nothing and Buffy didn't know how long she was going to have to keep listening. She knew she wouldn't give up on him. She'd told Xander he was the best thing to happen to her and she meant it.

Her mother had spoken to her shortly after Xander had been in the hospital about what they were going to do when he woke up, about Xander and Buffy being engaged. Joyce had said she had had some doubts that they were rushing into things and that they should think about a long engagement. Joyce had also said she felt it was also too soon for Buffy too be thinking about marriage after such a short time after she had broken with Angel.

Buffy had spoken to Willow about this and Willow had said all the right things, but it was what Ren said to Buffy that made her feel right inside. Ren had said that if Buffy and Angel were supposed to be together, that if they were supposed to be soul mates, then they'd *be* together, despite everything. The fact that they weren't... Ren said that kinda proved her theory. Buffy agreed with her.

When Buffy reached Xander's room she saw both his parents with him. Buffy stopped by the window and looked in through the half-closed blinds.

She looked on in silence for a short while before she realised someone was standing beside her.

"I didn't think you'd still be here," she said to Ren.

"Thought I'd keep you company. See if you wanted a hand on patrol or anything."

"I was only going to do a quick sweep" Buffy replied "I was going to see Xander before I started off, but" she turned back to the window, "I thought seeing as how-"

"They've *both* actually managed to make an appearance this week?" Ren finished for Buffy.

"Yeah" Buffy turned back to Ren "Up for a quick spot of violence then?"

Ren smiled slightly "As ever."

-------------------

"Cordy" Xander rubbed his temples "As much as I appreciate your being here with me and helping me to pass the time... could you please *stop* humming Ricky Martin songs?"

"Only when you look as good in tight pants as he does" Cordelia replied "I have yet to see you stand up so I can admire the ones I gave you, so until you do, you get Ricky"

Xander scowled at her "Cordy, I told you. I am *not* standing up. Not only am I not going to be your eye candy. I do *not* trust this floor" he indicated the half-transparent floor that was spread out before them both.

"The floor *is* fine" Cordelia said and proved it by walking across it and over to him "And do you *want* the hospital gown back?" she stood infront of him, arms crossed over her chest "'Cos I can do that"

Xander looked up and addressed the nothingness above him "Why did you send her?" he cried "You could have sent anyone, but *nooo* you had to send my *ex*"

Cordelia glared at him "You know, you're mean for someone in a coma" she stomped back to her seat "I'm only trying to help" she huffed and began to sulk.

Xander ignored her "I'm *upset* Cordy. I'm upset because I can't be with the woman I love" he said "I'm *upset* because she's waiting for me, not knowing if I'm going to even wake up or not!" 

"Xander-"

"Send me back."

"Xander-

"Please Cordy... I-I can't wait here much longer. I want to get back. I want to tell Buffy everything... that I'm sorry... that I love her" he smiled a little "I wanna tell her everything about this place"

Cordelia smiled sadly "You can't do that. You can't tell her about this place."

Xander frowned "Why not?"

"Because you won't remember it" Cordelia replied "No-one ever does"

"Wha-"

"Xander, you'll only remember what I told you about how you got in the coma. About Tay... about all that" she smiled a little "You won't remember me."

"Cordy-" Xander started but he had to shield his eyes after there was a flash of white light. When Xander looked again there was no Cordelia.

No floor.

No chair.

Just nothingness.

And Xander was falling again.

-------------------

__

(Next evening)

Ren hit the ground with a hard thump. 

It was nearing midnight and she and Buffy were on patrol. Ren had just been thrown over some vampire's shoulder and she saw him looming down on her, baring his fangs. Then he turned to dust and Ren saw Buffy standing over her.

"You OK?" Buffy asked.

Ren nodded then grimaced a little, wishing she hadn't just nodded "Yeah. Thanks."

Smiling, Buffy helped Ren to her feet "You forgot you weren't Supergirl again, didn't you?" Buffy said.

Ren rubbed her head "Just for a minute" she admitted and brushed the dust off her clothes "And I would have preferred it you'd likened me to Wonder Woman" Ren smiled "She had a *much* better costume"

Buffy chuckled "Come on" she said, starting to walk away "I think we've done enough slayage for tonight"

"You couldn't have said that half an hour ago?" Ren said as she followed after Buffy "It would have saved me having to put ice on my shoulder."

Buffy smiled a little "I'm sure that if you asked Giles nicely he wouldn't mind helping you. Come on" she said, changing the subject "We don't want to keep Xander waiting"

Ren now walked beside Buffy "Are you going to be staying again tonight?" she asked.

"Yeah" Buffy replied "Mom had to go out of town for a couple of days suddenly and I didn't want to be by myself at home."

"Buffy, you don't have to be by yourself" Ren sighed "Do you even get any sleep?" she asked, "I mean. Not being rude or anything, but you haven't been looking too hot lately"

"That's *not* being rude?"

"I'm just worried about you" Ren said, "You have to take care of yourself as well. I'm just saying this as a friend."

"We're friends?"

"Unfortunately."

"Damn" Buffy smiled a little "I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

Ren laughed and then her tone became more sincere "Seriously Buffy" she said "I *am* worried about you. We all are."

Buffy sighed "I know I'm not at my best. I *know* that" she ran a hand though her hair "I... I just can't stop worrying about Xander. It's hard to think of myself when he's so ill."

"No-one's asking you to *stop* worrying Buffy" Ren said "Just don't think you have to do it by yourself. There are *more* than enough of us who care about Xander to worry about him *with* you"

"Thank you" Buffy said softly "I just... I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you guys. I know you're all worried and upset too."

"I know" Ren said "And we all cope in our different ways-"

"I just don't have to *cope* by myself?" Buffy finished.

"Right" Ren replied. She put her arm around Buffy's shoulder "We're not going anywhere. Barring a sudden apocalypse, we're all here" Ren said and the two women walked for a little while in a comfortable silence. Then Ren spoke again.

"Well I think that little talk went well," she said smiling at Buffy "You didn't rip off my arm or anything"

"Yeah" Buffy said "Tell Giles I'm sorry about that" then Buffy cast a side-glance at Ren "Plus I'm too tired for anymore violence. Think yourself lucky."

-------------------

__

(A little while later)

Buffy and Ren sat together with Xander for a short while before Ren made a move to leave.

"Donuts or bagels for breakfast tomorrow?" she asked Buffy with a smile.

"Bagels" Buffy replied and then she yawned "And maybe a gagillion espressos."

"You be fine if you just get some good sleep" Ren told her "You want me to bring anything else?" she asked. Buffy shook her head. 

"OK" Ren leaned over and placed a quick kiss on Xander's forehead "Bye Xander. See ya tomorrow" she stepped back and headed towards the door.

"Night Buffy."

Buffy smiled wearily "Bye Ren."

Ren smiled back and left.

Buffy turned her attention back to Xander. She sighed sadly and got up from her seat and perched herself on the edge of his bed. Buffy placed a hand on his chest "Xander honey, if you can hear me, I'd just like to tell you that I find it very scary that Ren and I are friends" she smiled a little "You're gonna get one hell of a shock when you wake up"

Buffy kicked off her shoes and swung her legs up on to the bed so she was lying on her side facing Xander. She nudged him over slightly and lifted his arm. She snuggled up against him, resting her head against his upper chest and then she placed his arm around her.

"I miss you Xander" she said softly "I think you've probably got that by now from the amount of times I've told you, but-" Buffy yawned "But, I don't think I'll ever be able to stop saying it until you wake up" she reached over Xander and took hold of his other hand, threading her fingers through his.

Buffy looked up at Xander and smiled sadly. She shifted herself up a bit on the bed so she was almost face to face with him. Buffy pressed her lips to his and let them linger there for a while before pulling back and placing her head back on his chest. She smiled as she listened to his heart beating.

"I love you" Buffy said softly "Please don't stay away from me... from us... for too much longer" she squeezed his hand again "We love you"

Buffy yawned again "Night Xander" she murmured before closing her eyes and hoping to fall asleep.

-------------------

Xander landed with a thump.

He hadn't landed in a chair this time. He'd landed on his butt. On the floor.

Xander looked down and narrowed his eyes at the floor. It was definitely more solid looking than the last one and he hadn't fallen through it yet so he decided that it was safe. He hit it a few times with his hand first to make sure though.

Xander got to his feet and looked at his new surroundings. He wasn't in the nothingness. At least he didn't think he was. Wherever he was, it looked suspiciously like the Bronze. An empty Bronze.

Xander looked down at himself. He was still wearing the clothes that Cordelia had given him. //If it was really Cordy// Xander then thought. He ran a hand through his hair and took a few steps forward, shivering slightly as his bare feet connected with the cold floor.

"Hello?" he called out "Anybody here?"

No answer.

"Buffy?" he called out hopefully.

Still no answer.

Xander walked up to the bar. He reached out his hand to pick up a bottle of beer that was standing on the counter. Xander wasn't that surprised when his hand went right though it.

"Guess I'm still in limbo" he muttered to himself. He leaned back against the counter "But at least this place feels a little closer to home."

Xander closed his eyes and allowed the memories to flood his mind. Among them evenings he'd spent at the Bronze with Buffy, the two of them in their own little world as they danced with each other to whatever music happened to be playing. Evenings he'd spent here with all his friends, all of them just hanging out and talking.

Xander sighed sadly and opened his eyes, facing the reality that none of the people he cared about were here to keep him company as he stood alone in a place he knew so well.

He began to wander about. Although it was deserted, the building wasn't totally silent. Xander could hear slight clinking of pipes and the hum of the few lights that were actually on. //Transparent beer but I can hear the heating system? Colour me confused//.

Xander also tried all the exits, hoping to get outside, see if he could feel fresh air on his face, but not one of the doors opened no matter how hard he pushed or pulled against them and neither did any of the windows.

He made his way to the dance floor, heading towards the front of the stage. As soon as he stood in the middle of the floor, the lights dimmed a little and suddenly Xander found himself bathed in the soft white light from a single spotlight above him.

Xander sighed "Cordy. If that's you-"

"It's not" a quiet female voice answered.

Xander struggled to focus on his new companion until they got to within a few feet of him and became bathed in a spotlight of their own.

Xander's eyes widened "Anya?"

"Good." The ex-demon replied "You still recognise me"

"Well, you're a little hard to forget" Xander replied "OK. I *am* still in limbo right?"

"Yes. It's a Bronze shaped limbo" she replied. Anya looked around "It's really amazing what you can achieve nowadays" she said, looking back at Xander "I remember when all you used to get were a couple of chairs floating about in a black hole"

"Uh... actually you-you still get that" Xander told her "I was there a little while ago with Cordelia" he paused, thinking something over "And what do you mean *remember*? You've done this *before*?"

"On and off" she replied simply "So" she continued "I hear you're in a coma. How's that working for you?"

Xander blinked slowly "Oh it's just great Anya" he replied sarcastically "I almost died and everything. Not to mention the fact that my fiancée is worried sick along with everyone else and I have no idea what the hell is going on."

"You're upset by this aren't you?" Anya replied matter-of-factly "I can tell by your tone" she stepped closer to him and put a hand on his arm "Do you want to talk about it?"

"And what would be the point of that?" Xander replied, brushing her hand away and stepping back "I'm not going to remember any of this, so why bother talking about it!"

"My, you are tense" Anya remarked, "You really should relax"

"*Relax*?" Xander began to pace and the spotlight followed him "Anya do you even have any idea-" Xander broke off "Oh just... forget it. It doesn't matter. None of this-" he gestured around him "Matters"

"Did Cordelia tell you that?" Anya asked and Xander nodded. Anya sighed "Great. The girl gets a couple of visions from the Powers that Be and suddenly she thinks she's little Miss 'Been-there-done-that-bought-the-T-shirt'"

Xander was confused "What are you saying?"

"Cordelia is only half right" Anya said "You *will* remember how you got into the coma and you *won't* remember either of us or these places. But" she silenced Xander as he was about to speak "You *will* retain certain thoughts and feelings that you had in these places when you wake up"

"Thoughts and feelings?" Xander looked at Anya "I don't suppose there's any chance I can choose which ones-" Xander stopped when Anya shook her head "OK. Figures. I noted you also said *when* I wake up" Xander said to her "Any chance of telling me *exactly* *when*?"

"Soon."

"Soon?" Xander groaned "You're about as helpful as Cordelia"

"Hey!" Anya protested "I resent that remark"

"Strangely Anya, I don't care" Xander said "At the moment I'm just wondering if the next place I'm going to appear in will be a motel room shaped limbo and that Faith will be there wanting to have a chat with me"

"Pfft. That's ridiculous" Anya scoffed. Then she added "Faith would *never* get this job"

Xander walked up to the stage and leant over the edge, bowing his head "I just want to go home" he let out a long shaky sigh and then turned around to face Anya "I just want to go home"

"Soon."

Xander sighed and closed his eyes. He both hands over his face and then pushed them back through his hair. He opened his eyes and looked back at Anya "So I guess you're here with me for a while then?"

"No" Anya replied "Although I am tempted to keep you here 'cos you look *hot* in those pants" she added "But" she continued "You have to go now Xander" She took Xander's hand and led him to the main entrance.

"Go? Go where?"

Anya opened the door and Xander raised a hand to shield his eyes from the bright white light that flooded in. Eventually it faded and Anya spoke again.

"I think you know Xander" she said and gave him a gentle shove forward "Go on. Go."

"Anya" Xander turned around to speak to her but she was gone suddenly Xander found himself outside the Bronze.

It was a cold, damp night and Xander shivered against the breeze and he wished he'd asked Anya to zap him some shoes. Xander hugged his arms around his chest, trying to keep any body warmth he had to himself. He looked quickly around at his surroundings; trying to pick up any sound that might indicate if there was anything he should be wary of but he couldn't hear anything. So he walked forward.

Shortly Xander found himself on one of Sunnydale's main streets. Aware of how vulnerable he looked; he'd walked quickly and had kept to the well lit areas, hoping that he wouldn't bump into any of the town's bloodthirsty inhabitants.

Although, in fact, he hadn't bumped into anyone at all, human or demon. Not even a cat. Sunnydale was a ghost town. But still Xander kept going. He knew where he had to go.

He didn't now *how* he knew. He just did.

It wasn't long before Xander arrived at the hospital. It was the same as the rest of Sunnydale. Deserted. But as Xander began to make his way along the corridors he was beginning to make out sounds. Parts of conversations, trolleys being wheeled along the corridors, sounds of everyday life.

Xander still knew where he was going and after a little while of walking through the hospital, Xander stopped outside a room.

There was a window that faced onto the corridor but Xander couldn't see through it as the blinds were closed all the way. He pressed his ear to the glass but all he could hear was a muffled voice. Xander opened the door and walked in.

He smiled a little sadly when he saw Buffy curled up on the bed with a comatose him. Xander stepped up to the bed and touched his fingers to Buffy's cheek.

"I love you" he whispered. Buffy stirred slightly and Xander smiled. Then he looked at himself.

//OK. This is definitely my weirdness quota filled up for the year. And I need a shave// Xander put his hand on his double's chest and Xander felt a sudden coolness wash over him. His knees wobbled and eventually gave way, but still Xander kept his hand in place. He closed his eyes and he felt himself drifting again.

But it wasn't the same as before because Xander knew *where* he was going.

-------------------

__

(Next morning)

"Buffy?" Willow tapped her friend on her shoulder "Buffy, wake up."

Buffy groaned sleepily "Go away... comfy here"

Willow smiled "I know you are Buffy, but you're going to have to move sooner or later and if it's not sooner, I'm going to eat the last two bagels"

Buffy opened her eyes and moved her head to look at Willow "You're eating my food?"

"Well you didn't wake up when Ren arrived" Willow said "And she told me you looked so peaceful, she just stayed a little while with you both and then left the food for you"

Buffy sat up and stretched "You drink my coffee too?"

Willow looked at her guiltily "I-I might have had a-a sip."

Buffy smiled "Forget it Will" Buffy got off the bed "I feel awake enough" she looked at Xander "I think he helped me get a good nights sleep" Buffy smiled and planted a quick kiss on Xander's forehead "Thanks" she whispered in his ear. Buffy brushed his hair back off his face and smiled, content to just look at him for a few moments in silence.

Shortly she turned back to Willow "Is it OK if I leave him in your capable hands for an hour or two?" Buffy asked, "I want to go home and grab a shower"

"Sure" Willow replied "I've got plenty I can talk to him about and Tara'll be here soon" Willow added, "She's bringing donuts."

Buffy grinned "Well maybe you can save me some of them if you eat the rest of my food."

"I'll try" Willow grinned back "OK, get gone. I wanna talk to Xander about you behind your back."

Buffy picked up her bag and hugged Willow goodbye "I won't be long."

"You never are" Willow called after her as she left. Willow sighed and picked up the bag of bagels. She took one out and began to eat.

"Y'know Xander" she said with her mouthful "You're one lucky guy" Willow paused "Y'know... except for-for the coma and almost dying and everything. Sorry" Willow finished what she was eating "What I mean is, you're lucky to have Buffy. I know *she* thinks it's the other way around but" Willow smiled "I happen to know different. When you two are together you have this... this look. Not the usual stupid, goofy one, but this look of happiness" Willow took hold of his hand "And if I can't see it on your face, I can always see it behind your eyes. You never had that with anyone else. Not even me. And I'm not bitter" Willow added "I'm glad that you have that with Buffy"

Willow dropped his hand and rested both her elbows on the edge of the bed, propping up her chin with her hands. She smiled warmly at him "Tara says that she can't ever believe you and Buffy weren't together for longer 'cos you just fit together so well. I told her you weren't together before because you were both idiots" Willow sighed "Although I know there were other factors that kinda hindered your togetherness... y'know the whole Angel thing and stuff. But you found each other and that's good" Willow smiled again "There's nothing like seeing your two best friends in love, especially if it's with each other."

Willow took her elbows off the bed and leaned back in her chair. She picked up the remains of the bagel and took another bite "We've got a lot to catch you up on when you wake up" Willow said "I told you Giles bought the shop right? Well it's really handy for me and Tara. Much cheaper too. Tara is almost as good as you at pulling the puppy dog look. Giles doesn't stand a chance when she does it to him."

"Anyway" Willow continued "What I'm trying to say is, I really wish you'd stop hanging about wherever you are in that mind of yours and come back to us" Willow smiled sadly "We miss you Xander" she took hold of his hand again "*I* miss you" she whispered "You're my best friend and... and I want you back"

-------------------

"Giles?" Buffy called out, not spotting Giles in his usual position behind the counter when she went in to the shop "Giles, you here?"

"He had to go back home for something," Ren said as she appeared from the back room "Didn't expect to see you here today."

"I'm not stopping" Buffy admitted, "I'm going back to the hospital now" Buffy leaned against the counter "Just checking in."

"Well, you do look better than you did" Ren commented "Guess the little Xander snuggle you got worked, huh?"

Buffy smiled "Yeah. I would have stayed there longer but Willow woke me up to tell me she was eating my food."

Ren chuckled "So, did you want me to pass on a message to Rupert?"

"No, it's fine. I'll catch him later. Are you going to be coming up again today?"

"I'm hoping to" Ren replied.

"Good" Buffy said "Not just for me" she added "But for Xander" she smiled a little "I think he does like to hear your voice."

"You think?" Ren said "I mean, I-I wasn't too sure at first... y'know... what with everything and me a-and Tay..." she trailed off.

"I think he knows it's you" Buffy said. She began to fiddle with some of the small items on the counter "Y'know Xander was kinda low after you left" she said, meeting Ren's eyes "And then when he got that letter"

"I never wrote that" Ren reminded her gently.

"But he didn't know that" Buffy answered "But... he missed you. And I was OK with that. I mean you were his friend and well as his..."

"Yeah" Ren finished for Buffy "I missed him too" she paused "Is this leading up to something Buffy?" Ren asked.

"Do you... I mean, have you still got... y'know..."

"Feelings for him?" Ren finished.

"In a nutshell."

"Buffy, it's-it's hard for me at the moment" Ren said "With everything that's happened" she sighed "I mean I have... feelings for him... I do. But... but-"

"But what?"

"Buffy" a male voice behind her called out.

Buffy turned around "Hey Giles."

"I didn't expect to see you today" he said, "I thought you'd be at the hospital"

"I was earlier" Buffy replied "I'm on my way back. Just thought I'd drop in and see you but Ren" Buffy turned back around to face the ex-demon, but Ren had disappeared. Buffy gave a small sigh and turned back to Giles "Guess she didn't want to stay and chat."

-------------------

Willow and Tara both smiled at Buffy as she entered Xander's hospital room.

"I rescued two donuts from Willow for you" Tara said to Buffy "I swear I don't know where she puts it all"

"Thanks" Buffy said with a smile "How's everything been?" she asked.

"As good as it can be" Willow replied a little sadly "We've been reading to him again" she added "I thought if I read him some of the work I'm doing on my project it might make a little more sense to me"

"Let's hope so" Buffy replied. Willow and Tara began to gather their things.

"You're going?" Buffy looked at the two witches.

"W-we thought you might want some alone time" Tara said.

"Stay" Buffy said and looked pointedly at the other two until they sat back down, Willow though sitting in a different chair, allowing Buffy to take the one nearest Xander.

"How was patrol last night?" Tara asked.

"Did you slay anything cool?" Willow added.

"Nah. Just the ones of the usual undead variety" Buffy replied "I think Ren bruised her ass, but other than that everything was fine."

"I take it she's still getting used to not having demon strength thing?" Tara asked.

Buffy nodded "Although she'd pretty good with the weapons and she's still a better aim than me with a crossbow" Buffy admitted reluctantly.

"Well she has had a few more years practice" Willow pointed out "Like *over* a century and a half. I mean..." she trailed off when she noticed that Buffy was a little distracted "What's up Buff?"

"Hmm? Oh, I uh had a conversation with Ren a little while ago. Well actually I had *half* a conversation" Buffy added "I think I got on to a subject that was a little touchy for her" Buffy sighed and took Xander's hand in hers and looked at him "Seems this guy here still has a hold on her"

"Poor Giles" Willow said softly. When the other two looked at her Willow continued quickly "I-I didn't say that-"

"Sweetie" Tara said, "Buffy and I have eyes too"

"Oh" Willow smiled a little "D'ya think she knows?"

"I don't think so" Tara replied, smiling back "Maybe we should-"

"I think we should stay out of it" Buffy said, interrupting Tara gently "If it's gonna happen it's gonna happen"

"You're probably right," Willow said. She stood up "I'm going for coffee. Do you two want anything?" 

Both Tara and Buffy shook their heads and Willow left.

Buffy looked at Xander fondly. She squeezed his hand gently "Xander honey" she said "I think-" she broke off and her eyes widened.

"Buffy, what is it?" Tara asked, concerned.

Buffy kept looking at Xander but answered Tara "I-I think his hand just moved"

"What?! A-are you sure?"

Buffy squeezed his hand more sharply this time, placing her other hand on his forearm "Xander?" she said, a hint of urgency in her tone "Xander can you hear me?" She choked back a sob when she felt his fingers curl slightly around hers.

"Oh! Oh!" Tara shot up quickly, seeing Xander's hand move for herself "I'll go-go get someone!" she rushed from the room.

Buffy got up quickly too and leaned over Xander. She touched her hand to one side of his face, running her fingers along his brow "Xander, please... I'm here... Xander... oh god... please look at me" tears began to fall from Buffy's eyes. Xander's eyes remained closed. Buffy kissed his forehead "Xander?"

"Buffy?"

Buffy turned around to see Xander's doctor, Dr Rogers, standing behind her with another older man by her side.

"He moved" Buffy told them anxiously "He squeezed my hand."

"Why don't you step outside for a moment while we check him over?" Dr Rogers suggested gently.

"But he moved!" Buffy insisted "I don't want to go"

"Buffy" Tara said, coming into the room "Come on, let's go wait for Willow outside" Tara took Buffy's arm "Let the doctors look at him"

Reluctantly Buffy let Tara lead her from the room and the door got closed behind them. Buffy buried her face in Tara's shoulder and the witch responded by wrapping her arms around Buffy.

"Oh god... I-I can't believe this" Buffy said after a few moments of silence "He-he squeezed my hand and then-then there was like nothing."

"I saw Buffy. I saw" Tara said, "I know this is going to be good, OK? I can just feel it" Tara continued to comfort Buffy for a couple minutes more until Willow arrived back.

"Guys? What's going on?" Willow looked at the other two women with concern.

Buffy pulled back from Tara and turned to Willow "He squeezed my hand" Buffy wiped away some tears.

Willow's eyes widened and she looked to her girlfriend who nodded in agreement with Buffy "Well why aren't we in there?!" Willow said "We should be-"

"The doctors are checking him" Tara explained "They said for us to wait out here"

"Oh Buffy..." Willow placed a comforting hand on Buffy's arm "Buffy-"

"Oh god Willow" Buffy sniffed "I just want everything to be OK"

"Hey, it will be" Willow replied, her own voice beginning to crack like Buffy's was "He's gonna be just fine"

"Miss Summers?" the older man who had been with Dr Rogers had come out of Xander's room "I'm Dr Hansen"

"What's happening?" Buffy asked.

"We're going to have to take Alexander for some tests" he told Buffy.

"Tests? What tests? How many more tests could you *possibly* do?"

"Miss Summers... Buffy, I think there's something you should know-"

"No! You-you people just keep giving me... giving *us* bad news" Buffy clenched and unclenched her fists "I want you to stop doing that. I *want* to see him"

"You can" Dr Hansen said, a little alarmed by the aggressive look in the petite blonde's eyes "Just for a couple of minutes though. Before we take him down."

"Why? You people just keep taking him away from me" Buffy glared at him "Why let me see him when you can decide everything *for* me"

"It's not that" Dr Hansen smiled at Buffy warmly "It's because Alexander asked for you."

tbc....


	2. Chapter Two

****

Aspects of Love

Part Two

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy blinked and she heard Willow draw in a sharp breath. Buffy swallowed hard and then turned to Willow. Her friend looked back at her with too-hopeful eyes and Buffy turned back again and walked back into Xander's room slowly, without saying anything to anyone. This was the moment she had been waiting for, for over *three* months now and she didn't know how she was going to handle it.

Buffy saw that Xander was lying still on the bed. His eyes were closed and the only indication that he was awake was that his fingers were moving slightly.

"Xander?" Buffy said softly, trying to hold back emotion in her voice so she didn't scare him. Buffy stepped closer to the bed "Xander?"

Xander's eyelids fluttered and he looked at Buffy through half open eyes "Buff" he whispered weakly.

"Oh Xander" Buffy put a hand to her mouth to stifle a sob, but it was too late to stop tears beginning to fall.

"S'really… you… Buff?" Xander struggled to get the words out.

Buffy nodded frantically "It's me Xander" she took hold of his hand and held it to her cheek "See?" Buffy kissed the back of his hand "I missed you so much."

Xander looked up into her eyes, staring into them. Into her. The tiniest, tired smile soon appeared slowly on his face "Buffy…" Xander's fingers curled around hers "Love… you"

Buffy sniffled and then smiled happily for the first time in months.

-------------------

"Buffy!"

Buffy looked up and saw Giles heading quickly down the corridor towards her. Buffy jumped to her feet and enveloped him in a hug "Oh Giles" she hugged him tighter "Giles he's awake. He's awake!"

"Yes, I know Willow told me" Giles replied with a smile before he winced a little "Oh… and could we please remember you have preternatural strength"

"Oh sorry" Buffy stepped back from Giles and gave him an apologetic look as he massaged his ribs "I-I'm just so…so…" she trailed off and beamed brightly "Happy"

Giles smiled warmly " You have every right to be Buffy" he said. Giles straightened his glasses "Can we see him yet? Willow said they wanted to do check him over properly…"

Buffy shook her head "They haven't brought him back yet" she replied. It had been two hours since Xander had woken "The doctor said it might take some time" she continued " They have brain scans to do that they couldn't when he was in a coma and some other tests as well. Willow knows more details, I'm just so… just trying to deal with everything."

Giles ushered Buffy back into her seat and Giles sat down next to her "Willow told me you saw him for a little while" he said "How did he seem?"

"He seemed fine" Buffy replied "He was a little weak and he looked like hell but I-I guess that's to be expected… right?"

"I expect so" Giles answered "Xander's been through a lot and it's still going to take some time before he's completely recovered."

Buffy leaned against Giles "I know" she said "And we've got so much to talk about as well… everything that's happened-" Buffy broke off and sighed "I don't know if he'll remember anything of what happened and… and-"

"You don't relish telling him if he doesn't?" Giles finished.

"Yeah" Buffy sighed again then looked up at him then around him "Where's Ren? I thought she was with you in the shop today."

"Ah… well there's the uh…" Giles cleared his throat "She didn't think it'd be a good idea. I mean she's happy and everything" he added quickly "But, well… basically what you just said. We don't know how much Xander is going to remember and Ren thought that if he did… seeing her face *might* not be… well, the best thing for him right now"

"Oh… well, I-I guess that kinda makes sense" Buffy said slowly "Guess she wants to wait until we know for sure, huh?"

Giles nodded and then looked up and down the corridor "Where's Willow?" he asked.

"Tara took her for some fresh air" Buffy explained "She didn't want to wait about in the hospital anymore. Me" Buffy smiled "I've gotten used to it over the past few months, I doubt a few hours more will make a lasting impression on me."

"I think you've coped remarkably well" Giles commented "Even managing to keep up with your uh…" he looked around "Other duties" Giles added in hushed tones.

"Giles, if I didn't have my… other duties to vent out my anger on, I don't think I *would* have coped" Buffy said. Then she smiled a little "Mr Pointy has been very instrumental in helping me channel my emotions."

"I'm glad to hear it."

Buffy nudged Giles with her elbow "And" she continued "It's not just me who's had to deal"

"Yes, but we're not all engaged to him" Giles replied with a small smile. He sighed "I'll admit that… even though Xander can be somewhat…" he searched for the word "… challenging a-at times and occasionally his humour is…"

"Inappropriate?" Buffy suggested.

"Well… yes, sometimes" Giles reiterated "It's just" he paused "It's just… well sometimes I forget that you aren't my own children" he finished quietly.

Buffy looked up at him in surprise and hugged him quickly "Hey, we love you too" she said.

"Well, I uh… thank you, oh, ow… ribs."

"Oops… sorry" Buffy pulled back.

"Quite alright" Giles smiled warmly "But I do mean it" he said "You, Xander, Willow and… now it seems that Tara has joined the fold…"

"Yeah, we're quite the family" Buffy said "Although I don't think we're the Walton's just yet" she added with a smile.

Buffy began to fiddle with the hem of her top "So" she continued, dropping her gaze from Giles' "Where does um… Ren… fit into all this?"

"Ren? I uh… w-well I guess she's part of the uh… family too I-I suppose" Giles said. He sighed "Although how much longer she'll want to stay in it I don't know"

"Why?" Buffy was confused "What do you mean? Has she said something to you?"

"Well… no" Giles admitted "But I can't expect her to stick around forever… well, now that she can't *actually* stick around forever" he sighed and shook his head "I really don't know what I'm talking about" Giles ran a hand through his hair "Half the time I don't know what she's *thinking*"

Buffy was about to respond when she saw Willow and Tara re-appearing. She and Giles smiled at the two witches "Did you have a nice walk?" Buffy asked them.

Tara nodded and Willow spoke "Yeah. I'm still feeling a little y'know… weird… but happy weird though" she added quickly. Willow smiled at Giles "Hey. How long have you been here?"

"Not long" he replied "Buffy tells me they don't know how long it will be before we can see Xander again"

"I know" Willow replied "It sucks"

"Well I guess they have to make sure everything's y'know… working" Tara said.

"Yeah" Buffy sighed "But I'm gonna stay here all night if I have to"

-------------------

As it turned out it was late evening before Xander was brought back and then he was moved to a different room. Buffy reluctantly allowed his parents to see him first and she waited with Willow who had stayed with her throughout the day.

Finally Mr and Mrs Harris left and Buffy and Willow walked hesitantly to the door.

Willow cleared her throat "Do you want me to come in with you?" she asked Buffy "I mean I don't know if you want to be alone or-or-"

Buffy looped her arm through Willow's "Will, we're only allowed to see him for a little while" she said as she opened the door "You're coming in" Buffy led Willow into the room.

-------------------

Xander closed his eyes and let his head sink further back into the pillows that the nurses had propped him up slightly on. //Well that was an interesting experience// he thought to himself //Both parents in the same room and *not* drunk and fighting with each other. *And* they actually seemed genuinely concerned for my well being. Will wonders never cease?//.

Xander tried to raise his hand to scratch an itch on his chin but he couldn't. He still felt weak. He sighed softly //OK, maybe they might// He felt himself drifting off to sleep and he immediately opened his eyes //No, no sleeping until I see Buffy. I need to speak to her. Tell her I remember. That I remember everything. That I'm sorry. Sorry I didn't know…// Xander's thoughts trailed off when he saw two people walk into his room. 

Xander blinked a couple of times to clear his vision and then saw that his visitors were Buffy and Willow.

"Buff… Wills" he managed to croak out "S'good to see you"

At the sound of Xander saying her name for the first time in three months, Willow choked back a sob "Oh god Xand" she sniffed and her eyes began to brim with tears "I've missed you so much." Willow hurried over to him and cupped both her hands around his face and planted a kiss on his forehead before resting her own head against his.

"Hey, I'd hug… you too… if I could" Xander responded with a weak smile.

Buffy put her arm around Willow and guided her to a seat by his bed and sat her down. Willow took hold of Xander's hand "It was just so horrible" she sniffed "Seeing you lying there and-and-"

Xander wished he could wipe away the tears that were beginning to fall down Willow's cheeks. But he couldn't, so he settled for squeezing her hand instead "Sshhh… Will" he whispered "Willow it's OK" Xander looked into her eyes and they held each other's gaze for a few moments before Willow sniffed and wiped her own eyes, giving Xander the beginnings of a happy smile.

Xander smiled back and gave Willow's hand another squeeze before turning his attention to Buffy. "Buffy-" he started to speak but the blonde Slayer cut him off. 

"She's right honey" Buffy said as she tried to hold back her own tears "We've all been so worried about you" Buffy moved around to the opposite side of the bed form Willow and sat down, pulling the chair closer to the bed.

Xander closed his eyes //She shouldn't be so worried about me. After all I've done to her. If I'd have known sooner. If I'd have figured it all out that she wasn't… I don't deserve her…// Xander felt a tear roll down his cheek "I'm sorry" he whispered "Buffy… I'm so sorry."

Buffy looked at him in confusion "Xander, honey what's wrong? What are you sorry for?" Buffy took hold of the hand Willow wasn't crushing with her own fingers "You haven't done anything" she said gently.

Another tear fell from Xander's eyes and he opened them and looked at Buffy "But I have" he whispered hoarsely "I remember… everything… oh God Buffy… I-I should have known… I should have known she-"

Buffy quickly put a finger to his lips, silencing him "No" she said firmly "Nothing is *your* fault Xander. Nothing."

Xander looked into her eyes, trying to figure out why she was looking at him so kindly "But-" he began.

"Xander sweetie" Willow interrupted "I know how you feel and this is something we don't do *now* OK?"

"Willow is right" Buffy said and she wiped away Xander's tears "You're tired and I'm… well we're all pretty dead on our feet."

"Or butt in your case" Willow said to Xander, managing a smile and trying to lighten the mood.

Xander's brow furrowed "Buffy, how can you-"

"Because I can" she said. Buffy sighed "Xander, Willow is right" she stood up and absently began to smooth some of his hair down "Now isn't the time" she said softly "Dr Hansen said you needed your rest and I fully intend to do everything he says so you get better quicker" Buffy leant down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead "I love you Xander Harris" she then kissed him on the lips "Don't you ever forget that"

"I love you Buffy" Xander said, "Please… don't go"

"You need to sleep" Buffy said, "I'll be back tomorrow."

"Please Buffy… I can't sleep if you go."

Buffy refused to let the tears that were pricking at the corners of her eyes fall. She turned to Willow who had got up and was now standing in the doorway "Will-"

"I'll call Giles" Willow said with a smile "Let him know you're staying" Willow smiled at Xander "Don't you keep her awake too long" she said "She's needs her sleep"

"Thanks Willow" Buffy smiled gratefully at her friend "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Try and keep me away. I might even bring some old English guy with me" she beamed at them both before disappearing.

Buffy turned back to Xander "I'm supposed to be letting you get your rest" she said softly.

"Buffy I just… wanna" Xander felt himself drifting off again "…know you're here."

Buffy sat down and pulled her chair closer to his bed again "I'm always here Xander" she said, taking his hand "Always."

-------------------

Willow walked into the hospital the next morning with Giles in tow and the both of them found Buffy sitting outside Xander's room, studiously examining the green paint on the wall opposite.

"Buffy" Willow went up to her friend "What's wrong?"

"Something didn't happen did it?" Giles asked, concerned.

Buffy looked up at the other two "Oh, no. Nothing happened" she sat back in her seat and rested her head against the wall "They wanted me to wait outside while they did some more checks. Plus" Buffy added "They weren't too happy that I stayed with him last night."

Willow sat next to Buffy "There's no way you could have said no to him last night" she said.

Giles gave Buffy a small smile "I would have liked to have seen them argue with you" he leant against the wall opposite Buffy "Willow tells me… well, from what she could gather last night… that Xander might remember what happened to him"

Buffy nodded "He said a little more after Willow left. Not much… he fell asleep pretty quickly… but" she sighed "He remembers Tay attacking him and knowing that it wasn't… me… that was all he said" Buffy yawned "'Hello' was pretty much all I said to him this morning before they threw me out"

Giles cleared his throat "Does he… does he know it wasn't Ren who attacked him?" he asked, "Did he use Tay's name specifically?"

Buffy nodded again "He used her name" she replied quietly "He got this guilty look in his eyes when he said it. He didn't want to look at me… I think he might remember… other things they did" she finished quickly.

"Oh… right" Giles scratched his forehead "That's probably something you two should sort-"

"On our own" Buffy finished quietly.

"Did they say how much longer they were gonna be?" Willow asked, changing the subject slightly "How long do we have to wait to see him again?"

Buffy looked at her watch "It shouldn't be too much longer" she replied and sighed a small sigh of frustration "I guess I should be used to this by now… another hospital corridor… another set of doctors… and me, sitting around on my ass, having to wait… *again*"

"It does seem to keep happening" Willow agreed. She smiled slightly at Giles "Do you think we're stuck in some kind of time loop?" she asked lightly.

Giles smiled back and then nodded towards Xander's room "Maybe we were" he said "But at least now we appear to be heading forwards."

-------------------

It was around lunchtime before Buffy and the others got to see Xander again and all three were under strict instructions not to tire him out, therefore if they all wanted to go in together, they couldn't stay long. Giles volunteered to come back later but Buffy dragged him into the room and soon all three were seated in various positions around Xander's bed.

Buffy had the chair closest to Xander and immediately took hold of his hand "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Just a little tired" he replied, shifting slightly against the pillows that were piled up behind him, propping him up "They keep prodding me and shining lights in my eyes. It's not fun. Don't even get me *started* on the needles" he added. Xander smiled at Buffy who returned it with a bright smile of her own, then Xander turned to the others "Hey Wills" he smiled at the witch "And G-man as well. S'good to see you"

"You do realise this is the only time you're going to get away with calling me that" Giles said with a fond smile. Then he continued more sincerely "And it's good to see you too. We've all waited quite a while to finally hear your voice"

"Too long" Buffy said quietly and gave Xander's hand a gentle squeeze

"The doctors said it had been three months" Xander said softly "I just… I just don't remember… all it seems like is that I was asleep and then I woke up" he closed his eyes "Then everything just came rushing back"

"Xander…" Buffy squeezed his hand again and Xander opened his eyes and looked at her "Xander, don't do this OK? You're not going to get better if you keep thinking about it."

"I think Buffy's right" Giles said "Everything is over… there's nothing left of… well she's dead"

"Tay? She's dead?" Xander's brow furrowed a little "Wait…actually, I know I'm missing a whole big chunk here. How? I mean what happened?" he looked to Buffy "She said you… how did you get away? Please tell me… I-I need to know. Buffy please"

Buffy shot a quick look at Giles who gave her a look back as if to say 'It's up to you'. Buffy looked back to Xander "I had a timely rescue from Tay by her sister."

Xander blinked "Ren?"

"She and I found you at your apartment. We were… we were too late to stop her…" Buffy trailed off and took a deep breath and then exhaled "Ren held her off until I could get you to the hospital. We got you safe with the doctors but Tay turned up here. She attacked Ren but we got the upper hand and with the help of the hospital security guards-"

"Mostly the one who shot her in the head" Willow added.

"Exactly" Buffy continued "The police took her body away, but Giles and I uh.. did some body snatching of our own and we had our own little funeral pyre for her. I wasn't-" Buffy paused "I wasn't going to be happy until I'd seen her ashes" Buffy added.

"I take it this is the abridged version you've just given me?" Xander said.

"I thought it was best" Buffy replied "It wasn't pleasant"

"Tell me about it" Xander whispered "What about Ren?" he asked.

"She's with me" Giles said, "I mean, she's staying with me" he corrected "She was a little… uh… affected by events."

"Tay gave Ren back her mortality" Buffy explained "She's human now"

Xander stared at her "You're serious?" he said.

Buffy nodded and Giles continued "She's coping" he said "But then it's been a difficult time for all of us."

Then Willow smiled brightly at Xander "But now you're awake, things are only gonna get better"

-------------------

Giles returned to his home later that afternoon to find Ren asleep on the couch. He put one hand on her shoulder and shook her gently but she didn't wake up. Then a faint marking on Ren's palm caught his eye. He took hold of her hand and studied the image. It was raised on her palm and slightly green in colour and depicted a half-closed eye.

Giles sighed and muttered a few words in a demonic language and then ran his thumb over Ren's forehead. Ren's eyes fluttered open and met with Giles'.

Giles raised an eyebrow "Do you know how dangerous that was?" he said, "That's the type of sleep spell that should be done with supervision"

"Well just sitting here waiting was doing my head in" Ren replied "And I *do* *know* what I'm doing, thank you very much. I worked in a wake up call" she stretched and sat up "How's Xander?"

"Very much awake" Giles replied, sitting next to her "He seems to be well. The doctors say that he doesn't appear to have suffered any damage to his brain and everything seems to be working as it should."

"Oh, thank God" Ren breathed a sigh of relief "That's good news" she paused "How much does he remember?"

"Well that's rather to the point" Giles remarked.

"I just want to know if he's going to freak out if he sees me, Rupert" Ren answered "Always helps to know what you're letting yourself in for."

Giles adjusted his glasses "Yes, quite. Well, from what Buffy told me and from what I heard Xander say himself… he remembers. Mainly what happened to him and the other things he was present for that involved your sister and Buffy also gave him an abridged version of events that involved *her* and Tay-"

"So he knows everything?"

Giles nodded "Even about your new human status."

"Poor guy" Ren said softly "That's a lot of bad stuff to wake up to" she sighed "Did seem to take it all well?"

"I think it shook him a little" Giles replied "But I suppose anything like that would shake the best of people" Giles stood up and walked towards the kitchen, but stopped and turned back to face Ren "Buffy's worried Xander will blame himself" he informed her.

"He's gonna need a lot of support"

"He'll get it" Giles then sighed "Buffy and Xander are going to have to talk a lot through."

"They'll be OK, Rupert"

"It'll probably be best if we give them some… uh… alone time… as it were."

Ren studied Giles carefully and he averted his gaze "Alone time" she repeated "Yeah. I get it" Ren stood up "You don't want me sticking a 'Still-got-a-thing-for-Xander' oar in, do you?" she grabbed her jacket and headed towards the door "I thought you'd give me a little more credit than that Rupert"

"Ren, I didn't-"

She stopped in the half open doorway and turned to face him "I'll be back later."

Giles sighed as the door slammed, leaving him alone "Well done Rupert. Well done indeed."

-------------------

__

(Later that evening)

Buffy was on her way back from her late evening trip to the vending machine when she spotted Ren rounding the corner and heading towards her.

"Hey" Buffy walked over to meet her and immediately hugged the older woman.

"Uh… this is new" Ren said with a small smile as she pulled back from Buffy.

"Oh, I think I could gladly hug anyone today" Buffy said grinning.

"And there I was thinking I was special" Ren joked "I see you haven't managed to make it out of the hospital yet."

"And miss quality *awake* Xander time? You *have* to be joking"

"How is he?"

Buffy produced a bar of chocolate from her back pocket "Well enough to already be asking for this" she said with a smile.

"It's a start."

"Yeah" Buffy and Ren began to walk towards Xander's room "I take it you've seen Giles?"

"Uh… yeah" Ren paused "It is OK if I see Xander tonight isn't it?" she asked Buffy "He's not going to get too tired or anything?"

"I'm sure he can manage a few minutes for you" Buffy said, "The doctors don't want him to get too tired out though. They seem to want him to have his rest."

Ren turned to her and raised an eyebrow "Of course *you've* been adhering to that"

"Hey, if he wants to sleep, I'll let him sleep" Buffy replied "Doesn't mean to say I have to leave the room when he's doing it."

Ren grinned "Too right. But I see you've left him alone at the moment."

"Nope. Currently he's in Willow and Tara's capable hands."

"Oh. Are you sure it's not going to get too crowded?"

"Wills and Tara are going as soon as I get back" Buffy said "They both have classes tomorrow and-" Buffy looked out of a nearby window "It's getting late" she sighed "I guess I should walk them both back, maybe sweep a couple of cemeteries on the way back"

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'll get some fresh air and then come here on the way back and we can both go back to Giles'."

A few minutes later they both arrived back at Xander's room. Ren waited outside while Buffy, Willow and Tara said their goodbyes. Buffy was the last to leave and as she left the room she gave Ren's hand a comforting squeeze "Don't leave without me OK?"

"OK" Ren smiled back at Buffy before the other girl left.

Xander eyed Ren carefully as she walked into his room. He couldn't explain it to himself, but he knew he didn't feel happy about her being there with him. Xander wasn't frightened or scared - he knew it wasn't Tay who now stood before him. Then he realised it was anger he felt and he could feel it building up within him.

Ren met his eyes before she spoke and Xander could tell she had seen that Xander wasn't happy about her being there.

"Long time no see" Xander said coolly.

"It's been a while" Ren replied and Xander knew she was trying to keep her tone light. "You look good" she added.

"No thanks to your sister" Xander replied before he could stop himself //But then// he thought //Isn't that why I'm here? Why all this happened? Because of *her* sister?// Xander kept his eyes locked on Ren as she stayed by the door "Y'know the evil one I knew nothing about"

Ren faltered. She hadn't expected Xander to take this tone. From what Buffy and Giles had said, it would be all right for her to visit. Even if she realised his words did ring true to her. She did feel guilty for not mentioning Tay, knowing how her sister was.

"Xander, I'm sorry I never told you… told any of you about Tay" Ren went to take a step towards Xander but saw his look harden and stayed where she was "I-I never knew anything like this was going to happen, I swear"

Xander's eyes narrowed "Bit *late* for that now, isn't it?" he said, "I can't tell you how much I enjoyed being in a coma."

"Xander… I'm sorry" Ren said beseechingly "Please I never-"

"Save it for someone who cares Ren" Xander cut her off.

Tears began to glisten in Ren's eyes "Why did you want to see me? Why didn't you tell Buffy to tell me to just piss off?"

"I didn't want to upset Buffy" Xander replied "I can see she seems to like you now" Xander paused "But *I* don't" he added. His head was beginning to hurt and he was feeling even more tired. He drew on the last of his energy "I want you to *go*"

Ren dropped her gaze to the floor "I *am* sorry" she said then looked back up at him "And you have every right to be angry" she sniffled a little "I'm sorry" she said again before she left.

Xander stared at the now empty space where Ren had previously stood //I *do* have every right//

-------------------

Buffy returned to the hospital just under an hour later to find Xander alone and half-asleep in his room.

"Where'd Ren go?" she asked softly.

"Said she'd wait for you outside" Xander replied sleepily.

"But she wasn't in the corridor. I didn't see her at all."

"I think she meant *outside* outside"

"Oh. Huh" Buffy frowned a little "Guess I'll look for her on the way out then" then she smiled at Xander "You doing OK?"

Xander nodded "Just tired."

Buffy perched on the edge of the bed by Xander's side "Well you've had a busy day" she said as she trailed her fingers through his hair "Lots of visitors for you to meet and greet."

Xander caught hold of her hand and brought it down to his lips and kissed the tips of her fingers "I never meant to hurt you" he said softly "You know that don't you?"

Buffy nodded "What happened… everything… it wasn't our fault" she said, "We're the victims here"

"I don't like being a victim" Xander said "I promise I won't let it happen to us again"

"I promise too" Buffy replied, holding Xander's gaze. She smiled "Me and you against the world, huh?"

Xander smiled back "Me and you."

-------------------

"Is she here?" was the first question Buffy asked as she pushed past Giles into his home.

"Is *who* here?" Giles closed the door and then turned to face an anxious looking Buffy.

"Ren" Buffy said "She was supposed to wait but she didn't."

"What? Wait where?"

"At the hospital" Buffy replied "After seeing Xander, she was going to wait for me to get back from a quick excursion to the lands of the undead and we were going to come back here."

"She didn't come back here" Giles gave Buffy a concerned look "I haven't seen her since this afternoon" he scratched his head "I said something… phrased it wrong… she took offence and stormed out"

Buffy frowned "What did you say?"

"I uh… look it-it was nothing, let's just… a-are you sure she knew where to meet you?"

"Uh huh" Buffy said "With Xander. But Xander said she'd gone outside and when I looked I couldn't find her" Buffy sighed "I just… I know she can take care of herself. But to just disappear without leaving a message… you can never be too careful in Sunny-" she broke off and Buffy and Giles turned to look at the door as it began to open without warning.

Buffy began to get into a fighting stance but relaxed when she saw a familiar flash of blue hair.

"Well she came in un-invited" Buffy said, "At least we know she's not a vampire."

Ren gave Buffy and odd look "What?"

"Just my way of saying at least we know you're alright" Buffy replied pointedly.

Ren look a little chagrined "Oh… right… I was supposed to-"

"Wait?" Buffy finished.

"I had some… stuff…" Ren trailed off and looked around distractedly "Sorry, I'm just…"

Giles brow creased "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine" Ren replied and walked over to the couch and sat down "Just tired, that's all."

"Well, if you are" Buffy said "Then I'll leave you two to it. I'm heading back to the hospital."

"Isn't Xander supposed to be *resting*?" Giles pointed out.

"He is" Buffy replied "But he asked me to stay, so I am" she waved goodbye to Giles and made her exit.

Giles sighed and wandered over to his kitchen. When he reached the doorway he turned back to the sitting room and looked at Ren, who was sitting on his couch with her head resting on her knees and her arms wrapped over her head. Giles frowned and walked over to her.

"What's wrong?" he asked "And don't tell me you're just tired."

Ren didn't look at him "What you said earlier" she said in a voice Giles could barely hear "I think you're right" Ren dropped her arms from her head and looked up at him "I'm just in the way here"

"What? Ren, no… that's not…" Giles put a hand on her shoulder "You're *not* in the way" he insisted.

"I *am* Rupert" Ren replied "I mean… what am I doing here really, huh? I'll tell you what I'm doing. *Nothing*. That's what."

"You're not going to leave again are you?" Giles asked.

"Why not Rupert? Xander's OK, there's nothing to keep me here now… why not?"

"You're tired" Giles said "And there's obviously something else that's behind all this. We'll talk about it in the morning alright?"

"I don't…" Ren sighed sadly "OK. Tomorrow."

Giles smiled "Good."

-------------------

__

(Next morning)

"So, how are you feeling this morning?" Buffy asked Xander "Did you get a good nights sleep?"

"Probably better than you" Xander remarked "How can you possibly sleep in that chair?"

Buffy stretched her arms "Oh, you get used to it after a while" she yawned "They didn't like me sleeping with you on the bed."

Xander raised one eyebrow slightly "You slept on the bed with me?"

"Yeah" Buffy smiled a little "And if it were under any other circumstances, I would have been appreciative of you not constantly moving around in your sleep."

Xander smiled back softly "I can't believe you did that."

"Yeah… well I did" Buffy replied "I missed having you to snuggle up to" she added a little sadly.

Xander started to manoeuvre himself up into a sitting position but he soon realised that took a lot of energy and he slumped back. Buffy got up and helped him, rearranging the pillows behind his back. He smiled gratefully at her "I don't deserve you, y'know"

"Xander-"

"I mean it Buff" Xander said sincerely "You know what happened between me and her" he lowered his gaze "That I… that we… had sex" he finished quietly. //Sex I didn't want//.

"I know" Buffy sighed sadly "And I wish things could be different… but they aren't. Things happened… that shouldn't have" Buffy reached out and tilted Xander's face upwards so she could look into his eyes "But they weren't things… circumstances that we could control. I know that" she paused "Tell me" Buffy said "How did you know… in the end, that she-"

"Wasn't you?" Xander finished and Buffy nodded "I just saw her for who she… wasn't… without all her tricks. I didn't know who she was at first… I knew she wasn't you… then she told me" Xander shut his eyes "I felt so used" he admitted quietly //So dirty// 

"Before I found out," Xander continued, his mind refusing to even open the door and let in those thoughts of a word he couldn't, didn't, want to think. "I was never going to… to go that far… it would have been wrong" he sighed and opened his eyes "I just can't believe I let her fool me like that… I should have known."

"Xander honey" Buffy took hold of his hand "It wasn't just you remember? No-one knew, OK" she squeezed his hand "Xander, *all* that has mattered to me over these past months is that you'd wake up. I mean, what would it have achieved if I'd spent that time thinking about what had gone on between you two?" Buffy scooted closer to him "Before any of this happened we had a future" she held up her left hand "I have never taken this ring off since you gave it to me Xander and I'm not going to" Buffy felt her eyes begin to brim with tears "I love you so much Xander Harris and I want to have that future with you"

"I love you too" Xander said, "I want that future too" he looked deep into her eyes "*Nothing* is going to stand in our way"

Buffy grinned "Damn straight."

-------------------

Three hours later Buffy stood in Giles' shop and was staring at him in disbelief.

"She did *what*?" Buffy said "She skipped town *again*?"

Giles busied himself by re-arranging some books that he had stacked on shelves "That's what I said" he replied tersely "At least I got a note this time"

Buffy sighed "I can't believe Ren didn't even say goodbye to you… to anyone" her brow creased slightly "What could have gotten into her?"

"She mentioned something last night" Giles replied "She thought she was going to be in the way… with you and Xander" he explained "She thought that there was nothing keeping her here now."

Buffy looked at Giles sadly "That's hardly fair on you is it?"

Giles turned to face her "What?"

"I… well… you like her… right?"

Giles moved away from the bookshelf and began sorting through some more things "She's an old friend" he replied "Of course I like her"

Buffy rolled her eyes "Ding! Oh look, Mr *Denial* just walked into the shop"

"Buffy, what-"

"Ren is a grown woman who can take care of herself" Buffy pointed out and Giles stopped what he was doing and looked at her "She has every right to up and leave when she wants" she continued "What *you're* upset about is that *you* left it too late to give her anything to stay *for*"

Giles looked at her for a few seconds before responding "You have no idea what you're talking about"

"Hey! I have every idea" Buffy replied "I did the same thing with Xander, y'know, just sitting back in the shadows hoping that he'd notice that I wanted to jump his bones" Buffy ignored Giles rolling his eyes at that remark and continued "Then I realised that I had to do something about it and now I'm *engaged* to him" she paused "Do you see where I'm going here Giles?"

"Unfortunately" Giles sighed and adjusted his glasses "You couldn't have informed me to get my arse out of gear sooner I suppose?"

"I admit 'arse' shifting would have been higher up on the agenda had I known Ren was gonna do this" Buffy replied "Do you have *any* idea of where she went?"

Giles shook his head "She said she'd get in touch" he smiled sadly when Buffy put her hand on his arm "So what do I do when she calls?" he asked her.

"You tell her you want her back here" Buffy replied with a smile "Think you can do that?"

"I-I suppose it couldn't hurt" Giles admitted then he sighed again "I really do think I'm getting to old for this."

"Pfft."

Giles looked at her "Yes, thank you for that embellished reassurance Buffy."

"Anytime."

"Yes, well let's change the subject shall we? How was Xander this morning?"

"Great" Buffy replied "The doctor said he's making a good recovery so far and if he keeps it up he could be back home in at least a fortnight"

"Well… that *is* good news Buffy" Giles said. He hesitated before speaking again "Um… although I'm not quite sure on where you're thinking *home* might be" Giles raised his eyebrows questioningly at Buffy "Do you think he'll want to go *back* to his apartment?"

"You mean after… what happened?" she asked and Giles shrugged. Buffy sighed "I don't know. That's up to Xander. If he doesn't… well, mom has issued an invitation for him to stay with us" she smiled "And I really have no complaints on that front."

"It's probably something you should bring up with him soon" Giles said "Are you going back up to see him now?"

"Actually I'm not" Buffy replied "I'm meeting Tara and Willow for lunch and then I'm going home 'cos mom is back from her trip"

"A busy day ahead then?" Giles said "Any chance you could find some time to help me here?"

"Sure" Buffy replied as she headed towards the door "The next time your boyfriend wakes up from a coma" when she got to the door Buffy turned back to Giles and smiled "I'll be in tomorrow. Really" Buffy opened the door "I'll tell the others about Ren"

"Thanks."

"I hope she calls soon Giles. I'd only just got used to her being around again."

"You and me both Buffy"

-------------------

__

(Later that evening)

Buffy looked at Xander in disbelief "'Huh'. That's all you have to say?" she reached out and felt his forehead "Are you sure you're OK?"

Xander brushed her hand away "Well what did you expect me to say Buffy? Its not like Ren hasn't flitted off before and actually I'm surprised at you being the way you are about it."

"What do you mean?"

"Think about it" Xander responded "If Ren had mentioned about her evil twin, we wouldn't be in the situation we are now."

"Evil twin? Xander, this isn't a soap opera" Buffy said, "Ren never knew any of this was going to happen-"

"Maybe not" Xander replied "But don't you think that it might have been nice to know that there was someone who might use us to get to her?" Xander met Buffy's eyes, which held concern for him "Buffy, I'm serious. You mean to tell me the thought never crossed your mind."

Buffy's brow creased "Xander this is crazy talk, OK? You're tired-"

"You didn't answer my question" Xander pointed out.

Buffy hesitated "Well… I-I guess if we'd known…" Buffy said slowly "There would have been… questions…"

"See?" Xander said, nodding slightly "You admitted it"

"Xander…" she sighed "I can't even believe we're having this conversation" //And I can't believe I'm considering whether or not he actually does have a point//.

"Ren carries as much blame as her sister" Xander stated simply.

"Xander, you're ill and you're tired" Buffy said again "And this isn't a conversation I want to have with you only a few days after you've come out of a coma and oh my god you told Ren all this to her face didn't you?" Buffy realised "*That's* why she's gone"

Xander shrugged "I didn't want her thinking that everything was going to be the same between us" he said "But I never asked her to go."

"You think she'd stay? She cares about you."

"I wasn't going to pretend Buffy. It wouldn't have been fair on *any*one"

Buffy looked at Xander again through concerned eyes "I'll say it again. I think this is something we should talk about another time… when you're a little better" Buffy ran a hand through her hair "I also think we should keep your feelings about this between us"

"Why?"

"I just think it's for the best" Buffy replied //And not to mention what Giles might say//

"Well… if you think so" Xander replied reluctantly.

"I do. Now" Buffy stood up "I have to get going. It's late and I have to see mom and then I have my sacred duty to attend to."

Xander smiled "That's my little Slayer."

Buffy looked at him and smiled back "I've missed you saying that" she said softly.

Xander silently beckoned her to sit with him on the bed. Buffy obliged and leaned close to him. 

Xander looked deep into her eyes "That's my little Slayer" he repeated quietly.

Buffy closed her eyes and leaned closer to him, resting her forehead against his. She sighed happily when Xander wrapped on arm around her waist. When his other hand gently tilted her head back she opened her eyes and smiled "I really have to get going" she protested weakly.

The corners of Xander's lips twitched upwards and then he pressed them against Buffy's. Buffy closed her eyes again and let herself get taken over by the long overdue, but not forgotten, sensation of Xander's kiss. 

"That's something else I missed" she said when they pulled away from each other.

"S'been a while for me too" Xander replied "'Course we could give it another go…"

Buffy grinned "And wear you out?" she shook her head "You can save the rest of that energy for getting better"

Xander pouted, then a sly grin spread across his face "Y'know… I think I'd get a lot better a lot quicker if you were to get a hold of one of those nurses uniforms…"

Buffy rolled her eyes "Some things never change with you, do they?" she slid off the bed and picked up her coat from the back of the chair she had been sitting on "And don't you think that you lowering the tone has made me forget about what you said about Ren" Buffy looked pointedly at Xander.

Xander sighed "I promise I won't say anything to anyone else" he said "But I have a right to think what I like."

"I know you do Xander" Buffy said as she leant against the door "But lets just leave it for a little while, OK?" she blew him a kiss "I'll see you tomorrow"

"Love you."

Buffy couldn't help but smile "Love you back Xander" Buffy blew him another kiss before stepping out onto the corridor.

Buffy shrugged on her jacket and shoved her hands in the pockets of her jeans. Xander's unexpected reaction to the news about Ren had thrown her a little. She hadn't expected him to put any blame oh her at all //But Xander was right about me thinking the same thing at first, but I was never that malicious about it//. Buffy sighed as she made her way outside the hospital //And why would Ren go if she didn't feel guilty?//

-------------------

__

(Three days later)

It was about noon when Xander was surprised by both Willow and Tara bounding into his room.

Xander beamed "Hey, if it isn't my two favourite witches" he said and sat up a bit straighter against his pillows.

"Xander, we're the only witches you know" Willow replied with a smile and sat down on a vacant chair while Tara sat opposite her.

"I know Amy" Xander pointed out.

"Ooh, then we win" Tara said happily.

"You two really are full of bounce today aren't you?" Xander commented "What's up?"

"Nothing" Willow replied "Just happy to see our Xander-shaped friend actually sitting up and talking to us."

"Hey, if you play your cards right you might get to see your Xander-shaped friend having wheelchair races down the corridor in a couple of days" Xander told them with a grin.

"You mean they're finally letting you get up and about?" Willow said "That's great."

Tara smiled "You're really doing well aren't you?"

Xander nodded "That's what they tell me… and why are you both looking at me like that?"

Willow and Tara exchanged glances and Tara indicated for Willow to speak. Willow turned back to Xander and cleared her throat.

"Well, we were wondering… y'know, if you'd help us with a project"

Xander looked at both girls dubiously "What kind of project?"

"It's for school" Tara said "Nothing witchy."

"Good, 'cos witchy doesn't equal good on me" Xander replied "People tend to come after me with axes" he grinned at Willow who stuck her tongue out at him.

"That was not my fault" she said "You and your manly pride got you into that one"

"I missed this didn't I?" Tara said with a smile.

"It was when Xander was dating Cordelia" Willow explained "She dumped him-"

"On Valentines Day I might add" Xander butted in.

"And he got Amy to cast a love spell to get her to like him again. Only it didn't work and every other girl but him liked him instead. Let's just say it wasn't pretty."

"Oh, I don't know" Xander had a wistful look in his eyes "Buffy *was* wearing just a raincoat…"

"Yeah, you would focus on that" Willow grinned.

"I haven't met Cordelia have I?" Tara asked.

"Nah" Willow replied, turning to face her girlfriend "Cordelia is-" Willow broke off when she heard a sharp intake of breath from Xander. She quickly snapped her head around to face Xander who had his eyes screwed shut.

"Xander?" Willow gripped his arm "Xander are you OK? Do you want me-"

"No… no" Xander opened his eyes "I'm fine" he exhaled slowly and looked distracted "That… was… weird"

Both Tara and Willow looked at him with concern. Willow let go of his arm "What was weird?"

Xander rubbed his eyes "I had this strange feeling" he told them "Then as soon as you said Cordelia the last time… I had this vision of… Cordy dressed in white."

"Well… she does wear clothes" Willow said, "It's probably-"

"Yeah, but topped off with a springy star headband?" Xander shook his head "That's not Cordy."

"You said you had a strange feeling?" Tara asked "What kind of feeling?"

Xander's brow creased "Just *strange*" he repeated. Xander ran a hand through his hair "Can't really describe it as anything else…"

"Well" Willow said thoughtfully "if it happens again we should probably mention it to Giles. Strange on the Hellmouth almost always means something."

-------------------

Buffy peered at Giles over the stack of books she was carrying "I'm starting to think" she said as she walked carefully over to the counter "That you only hired me for my muscles."

"Of course" Giles replied with a small smile "It couldn't possibly be for your talent with numbers" he waved the pile of receipts he had been looking through at her "The total is wrong."

Buffy sighed and pointedly dumped the books infront of Giles at the counter before snatching the receipts from his hand. She looked at them carefully then cleared her throat "Yeah… well… that's your fault for getting me to do it."

"Obviously" Giles took the receipts back off Buffy "Silly me"

Buffy took the top book of the pile "Why do you need these moving anyway?" she asked, studying the cover "You think you'll sell them any better if they're this side of the shop?"

"I'm taking them home" he replied, "Thought I'd do some catching up."

"Ah. Or maybe try and find something to take your mind off a certain someone?"

Giles didn't answer. He took the book from Buffy, who rolled her eyes, and placed it back on top of the pile. He went to move away but Buffy darted in front of him.

"So what exactly did she say in her note?" Buffy asked, "Did she actually pinpoint a reason as to why she ran"

Giles frowned slightly "Buffy, Ren didn't *run*. She just left."

"You're sure 'bout that?"

"Buffy, what is this?" Giles crossed his arms in front of his chest "Are you insinuating something?"

"Hey, don't get all defensive on me" Buffy said appeasingly "I was just wondering if Ren said *why* she went, that's all"

Giles uncrossed his arms and shoved his hands in his pockets. He sighed "No… not in her note anyway" he answered eventually "The night before Ren said she didn't want to be in the way… in the way of letting you and Xander get back on your feet"

"Did you believe her?"

Giles frowned again "Is there something else going on here Buffy?"

"No! What? No, nothing" Buffy walked away from Giles and began to studiously examine assorted jars on a nearby shelf "I was just curious."

"Well, if you do decide there is something else" Giles replied, moving back behind the counter "You will let me know won't you?"

Buffy felt guilty about the tone of Giles voice, but she swallowed it back down and turned around to face him "There's *nothing* Giles. Really."

-------------------

__

(A week later)

"Are you sure this thing can't go any faster?" Xander hit the arm of his wheelchair with his fist a couple of times in quick succession "Come on!"

"Honey, I don't think you really want Slayer power behind this thing" Buffy replied.

Xander pouted, even though he knew Buffy couldn't see him "But I'm sick" he whined playfully "You're supposed to be nice to me"

"Really?" Buffy replied, playing along "I guess then if you're that sick, me pushing you faster will make you worse, won't it?"

"Pfft. That's just crazy Slayer logic."

"Do you want me to wheel you back?"

"How 'bout I just get out and walk?"

"Oh no you don't. The doctor said you had to stay in the chair."

"No fair" Xander tipped his head back to look up at Buffy "Do you *know* how numb my ass is?"

Buffy rolled her eyes "You're impossible."

Xander pouted again "Y'know you love me really"

Buffy took a hand off the chair to ruffle Xander's hair "Yeah, yeah" she grinned "OK, brace yourself" Buffy nudged Xander's head forward gently "We're going outside."

Xander squinted as Buffy wheeled him outside, his eyes adjusting from artificial to natural light. He rearranged the blanket that was covering his legs "Well I'm glad to see you haven't let the world get sucked into hell while I was out for the count"

"Yeah. You'll be glad to know we had no major slayage problems" Buffy replied "And it helped that I had the guys to back me up" she stopped walking "You wanna sit in the shade or what?"

"I'd like some sun please" Xander said "If I get any paler you'll be mistaking me for the undead."

"Not in those pyjamas I won't" Buffy grinned "And anyway, you look fine" Buffy pushed Xander over to the nearest vacant bench "Here" she produced a chocolate bar from her bag and handed it to Xander before sitting down on the bench "Enjoy"

"I'm gonna have to start lifting the weights again as well when I get out" Xander said as he munched on the chocolate "I wanna look buff for my Buff" he added with a grin.

"Hey. Woah there cowboy. Let's just take things one step at a time OK?"

"I just wanna get stronger again" Xander said "Get myself back in the game."

"*One* step at a time Xander"

"Fine" before Buffy could stop him, Xander threw off the blanket over his lap and planted his feet on the ground, pushing himself up and then out of the wheelchair "*One* step" he spread his arms out to his sides "See I can do that"

Buffy got up and stood infront of him "Xander… please. Sit dow-" Buffy was cut short as Xander swept her up into his arms and into a passionate embrace. Buffy's hands clutched around Xander's shoulders when all thoughts of Xander's less than healthy state disappeared from her mind and she began to lose herself in the kiss.

Although Xander could feel his legs begin to weaken, Xander drew Buffy closer, not wanting to let her go. It had been a long while since he had been this close to Buffy and he wasn't going to let it end anytime soon.

Unfortunately someone other than Buffy and Xander had other ideas. The couple broke apart when they heard a familiar person clearing their throat.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Giles asked.

Buffy smoothed down her clothes and shot a quick pleading look at Xander who raised his hands in defeat and sat back down in the wheelchair.

"I was told I could find you out here" Giles continued "I wasn't told I'd be looking for the couple giving everyone a free show"

"Giles!" Buffy flushed a little. Xander just grinned.

"I guess it saves me having to ask if you're feeling alright" Giles said to Xander as he handed him back the blanket Xander had discarded minutes earlier.

"I'm OK" Xander replied "Nurse Summers here just doesn't want me straining myself, that's all. The smoochies were just spur of the moment" Xander turned to Buffy and grinned "Couldn't help myself."

"You never could" Buffy replied with a grin of her own. Buffy turned her attention to Giles when she noticed the strange smile on his face "What?" she asked.

"Hmm? Oh, it's just… you two" Giles smiled warmly "It's been awhile since…" he sighed "It's nice to see you two together like this"

Buffy looked to Xander and smiled "I think it is too" Buffy then smacked Xander on the arm lightly "Even if he does insist on being stubborn when it comes to getting his rest"

Xander rolled his eyes "Buffy, if I get anymore rest, I'll go nuts. Do you know how boring it is sitting up in that room when you're not there?" he sighed "I just wanna get out and about. Not lounge about on my ass all day in that room. At least if I was on a ward…" Xander trailed off and looked between Buffy and Giles "Hey. How come I'm *not* on a ward? I have a private room. I know my insurance is pretty mediocre at that."

Buffy shot a look at Giles. She had hoped that Xander would be too caught up in getting better to notice *where* he was getting better. Especially as she knew he was not going to like the reason "Umm…" she trailed off unhelpfully.

Xander saw Giles give Buffy a confused look "OK" Xander said "Guys, what's going on here?"

Giles frowned at him slightly "I thought you knew" he said "I thought someone would-"

Buffy interrupted Giles by clearing her throat "Well, y'see… it's like this-"

"Buffy" Xander gave his girlfriend a no-nonsense look.

Buffy sighed resignedly "All right. Yes your insurance was pretty much the 'We'll-just-make-sure-you-don't-die' package. And we wanted you to have all the nice things, even if you weren't awake… so… someone else helped pay"

"Who?" Xander asked.

"Ren" Buffy told him quietly.

Xander was silent for a few seconds "Oh" he said finally, his tone neutral "Interesting. Bet she feels g-" Xander was about to continue when he caught a warning look hidden in Buffy's eyes. He sighed inwardly "It doesn't matter" he finished.

Giles didn't see the look Buffy had given Xander, but he wanted to change the subject anyway, not wanting to dwell on the reasons why Ren still hadn't gotten in touch.

"Have you decided what you want to do when you're discharged?" Giles asked Xander "Where you're going to stay?"

"I'm gonna stay with Buffy" Xander answered "I'm not going back to my place" he sighed "I don't think I can face it just yet."

"I've already taken some of your things over" Buffy told Xander "Some clothes and a few little odds and ends."

Xander smiled "Thanks hon."

Buffy smiled back at him "No probs."

Giles looked between the two of them "Um… well, maybe I should go… leave you two alone."

"You're going?" Buffy looked up at him "But you only just got here."

"I know" Giles replied "But I left Willow and Tara in charge of the shop and I dread to think what spells they're cooking up in my absence."

"Well… OK. Guess I'll see you later huh?" Buffy went to stand up but Giles waved her back down.

"Good to see you out and about Xander" he told him by way of a goodbye. 

Giles began to walk away. He got about a hundred yards when he turned back to look at Buffy and Xander. Buffy had taken hold of Xander's hand and they were both grinning at each other. Giles sighed sadly //Those two really do have something// he thought //And they have each other// Giles began to walk again //It's always nice to have someone//.

-------------------

"I can't go anywhere today without seeing any of you lot attached to each others lips can I?" Giles stated as he came back to the shop that afternoon.

Both Tara and Willow flushed pink and broke away from each other. "You're… you're back early" Willow faltered "We were just-"

"Yes, I can see you were just" Giles said with a small smile as he headed up to the counter the two witches stood behind "Did you have any problems?" he asked.

Tara shook her head "How was Xander?"

"Good" Giles replied "He was actually outside. Buffy had taken him for trip in a wheelchair."

"He was saying yesterday he wanted to get outside" Willow said "I think he was beginning to suffer from cabin fever"

Giles smiled faintly "Possibly" he began to fiddle with some of the items on the counter.

Willow frowned "You OK?"

"Hmm? What?" Giles looked up at her.

"I asked if you were OK" Willow said "You seem distracted"

Giles sighed "I guess I am a little" he replied.

"If it helps" Tara said quietly "She didn't call when you were out"

"No, I don't think it helps" Giles gave her a small smile "But thanks for not making me ask."

"Can't you call her?" Willow asked "She does have a cell phone y'know"

Giles shook his head "First thing I tried" he said "Couldn't get an answer. Since then it's been switched off. I keep getting diverted to voicemail" he sighed "I leave messages, but…"

Willow smiled at him sadly "I'm sorry" she then shrugged "But I don't know what to say to make you feel better" Willow paused "Y'know, I'd have thought Xander would have been more upset" she said. Both Tara and Giles gave her a curious look and she continued "I mean considering how cut up he was last time"

"He seems totally wrapped up in Buffy" Tara said finally "Perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet."

"Maybe" Willow shrugged again "But it's good that Buffy and Xander are spending time together like they are… especially, y'know, after what happened between Xander and Tay and the whole y'know… them… together thing" 

"Well… I think that's something they're obviously figuring out themselves" Giles said "Not for us to stick our noses in."

"Hey, no nose sticking here" Willow said "I am merely supportive and understanding best friend person"

"What would they do without you?" Tara grinned at her girlfriend.

"Oh they'd find it hard" Willow grinned back.

Giles sighed inwardly and the witches continued to chat to each other. He headed into the back room //Like I said. Always nice to have somebody//.

-------------------

__

(Next evening)

"Buffy!" Joyce called up the stairs to her daughter "Dinner's ready if you want to come down."

Buffy shook herself out of her daydream and looked at her watch "Seven-thirty?" she said with disbelief //Man, I only came up here to go to the bathroom…// she looked at her watch again //Three hours ago//.

Buffy got off her bed and looked around her room. Now she remembered why she'd lost track of time. After going to the bathroom she'd been sorting through and putting away some of Xander's things, and it had taken her so long because she kept remembering little things about some of them and reminiscing. She picked up a photo of them that she kept on her nightstand. Xander had one exactly like it as well. It was a photo of both of them that Willow had taken just a few weeks before all the badness happened. They were both sitting on the steps that led onto Joyce's veranda. Buffy was leaning against Xander; her head turned to him and they were looking at each other dreamily.

Buffy smiled to herself and put the picture back down. She turned to leave but found her mother standing in the doorway.

"You OK up here?" Joyce asked.

"Fine mom. I was just coming down."

"I thought you might have been asleep or something" Joyce glanced around the room "Sorting things out for Xander?"

Buffy nodded "Uh huh. It should be OK for now. Other stuff I can pick up later."

"You can't wait to play nurse maid huh?"

"It's not like that mom" Buffy said as she followed Joyce downstairs "It's just… well, OK maybe it *is* a little like that" she smiled.

Joyce shook her head lightly and smiled back at her daughter when she reached the bottom of the stairs "I guess I'm gonna have to knock whenever I want to come into a room aren't I?"

Buffy blushed a little and cleared her throat "Hey, what did you make for dinner?"

Joyce put an arm around her daughter's shoulder and began to lead her into the kitchen when they were startled by a knock at the door.

Joyce looked at Buffy "I'm not expecting anyone. Are you?"

"Nope" Buffy went to the door cautiously. She opened the door and her mouth nearly hit the floor when she saw who was standing there.

"What are you doing here?!" Buffy exclaimed.

"Didn't want to stay there any longer" Xander grinned "Hey do I smell food?"

tbc…


	3. Chapter Three

****

Aspects of Love

Part Three

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Buffy was still standing and looking at Xander in shock so she didn't put up much of a fight when he jostled past her and into the hallway.

Joyce too was a little stunned "Xander… what are you doing here?" she asked "You should be back at the hospital."

Xander dropped his bag at the bottom of the stairs "You're not happy to see me?"

Buffy closed the door and turned to him "Of course we are Xander" she reassured him. Then she sighed "You discharged yourself didn't you?"

Xander shrugged "I figured that if all I was doing was sitting on my ass then I could do it anywhere."

"And what did the hospital have to say about this?" Buffy asked.

"They said they didn't think it was a good idea, but they also said there wasn't a lot they could do about it" Xander replied simply.

"Is that right?" Buffy crossed her arms in front of her chest "OK. Give me one good reason why *I* shouldn't drag you back there"

"'Cos I'd rather be *here* with *you*" Xander said tenderly, ignoring her tone "I don't want to have to wait for you to come in and see me. I want to be able to see you when *I* want to"

Buffy softened a little "But Xander, you're still not better" she told him "I can see it in your face" Buffy noticed her mother slipping away and into the kitchen "Xander" she continued "I just want what's best for you"

"You're best for me" Xander said, pulling Buffy into a hug "Didn't I ever tell you that?"

Buffy sighed as she wrapped her arms around his waist. She rested her head against his chest "If you get so much as a headache I'm taking you back. Understood?"

"It's a deal" Xander said and placed a soft kiss on top of Buffy's head.

Buffy looked up at him "Come on" she said with a smile "Let's get some food"

-------------------

Giles closed shut the book he had been reading and pushed it to one side. Stifling a yawn he got up from his couch and made his way into the kitchen. Just as he was beginning to fill the kettle his telephone rang.

Sighing, Giles left his tea making preparations and left the kitchen to answer his phone.

"Hello?"

Hi was the simple response.

A relieved smile formed on Giles' lips "Where are you?"

San Francisco Ren replied.

"Well at least you didn't disappear to the deepest regions of Peru" Giles meant that only half as a joke.

I'm fine… before you ask Ren said I'm sorry I didn't call before… and I'm sorry I didn't return your messages. I wanted to get settled first

Giles frowned "Settled?" Giles didn't like the sound of that "Y-you're planning on staying there?"

Maybe… I don't know Ren sighed.

"Well, it's good that you're so decided."

Don't be like that Rupert. I told you why-

"Actually, no, you didn't" Giles interrupted "You gave me some excuse in that note instead. Why don't you just come back and face whatever it is you're running from?"

I'm *not* running from anything

"Then come back" Giles argued.

Why are you being so difficult?

"Me! You're the one that upped and left in the middle of the night, making me worried sick."

Ren sighed on the other end of the line I'm sorry Rupert. I didn't mean for you to worry. I-I just…

"No, no I'm sorry. I'm just… look, please… come back."

It's not that easy

"It was easy for you to leave. Why shouldn't it be any easier for you to come back?"

Because it just is

"That's about as much information as I'm going to get from you isn't it?" Giles shook his head and sighed resignedly "So, do I at least get a contact number for you? An address even?"

I promise I'll answer my cell phone if you call Ren compromised Look, I have to go. I'll speak to you soon OK Rupert? and she put the phone down before Giles could respond.

Giles put his own receiver back in it's cradle then stared at it for a few moments in regretful silence before going back into his kitchen to finish making his tea.

-------------------

When Buffy had finished helping her mother with the dishes she went upstairs to find Xander who had gone to take a shower after dinner.

She didn't hear the water running so Buffy went in to her bedroom and found Xander sitting on her bed, a towel wrapped around his waist, and looking around her room. He turned to her and smiled when he heard her come in.

Buffy smiled back "Feel better?"

"Much. I think I managed to wash away all remainder of hospital from me."

"Good" Buffy sat down on the bed next to him "You wanna robe or anything? You look a little cold."

"Nah, I'm fine" Xander ran a hand through his damp hair "I'll put some PJ's on in a minute"

"Shame" Buffy grinned "I was enjoying the view."

"I'm just a sex object to you aren't I?" Xander pretended to pout.

"Pretty much… hey" Buffy exclaimed as Xander caught hold of her waist and pulled her to him as he laid back down on the bed, turning her so her back was against his chest. Buffy turned her head up to look at him "What's all this?"

"I need a reason?"

Buffy chuckled "Guess not."

Xander nuzzled his head down into her shoulder "Actually, I have a reason" he admitted "This is just a cunning ploy so you don't get mad"

"Okaay" Buffy said slowly "What's the what?"

"I have other grounds for discharging myself" he told her "Other than just wanting to be with you" Xander paused "I didn't want to stay there if *she* was paying"

Buffy sighed heavily "Oh Xander-."

"I wasn't going to get better on her guilt money Buffy."

Buffy sighed again "I shouldn't have told you. I knew after what you said you wouldn't like the idea."

"I would've left there anyway Buff. I wanted to come back to you as well" he said and held her tighter "I keep tellin' you, you're better for me than any hospital."

"Sweet talker." 

"I mean it Buff" Xander said sincerely "I love you so much it hurts."

Buffy turned in Xander's arms so she could face him "Even though I think you're an idiot for discharging yourself?" she smiled.

Xander smiled back "Even if you think I'm an idiot"

Buffy kissed Xander softly on the lips and moved her hand so she could stoke the hair by his temples with her fingers "But even after that, I can't tell you how happy I am that you're back here with me."

"Well I'm here to stay" Xander replied "No one gets rid of me that easily"

"I'm beginning to realise that" she smiled "Come on" Buffy patted his towel-clad thigh "Are you getting dressed or what?"

"At the moment I'm going for the 'Or what'"

"I figured as much seeing as how your hands have managed to find their way down to my ass."

Xander looked at her innocently "What? I can't grope you?"

"Well I don't want you straining anything" Buffy said with a grin "I'm not going to be held responsible for any damage you sustain."

"Hey, I'm not saying we should attempt anything major" Xander replied, grinning back at her "I was just thinking maybe a grope here and there and possibly some fondling if we get around to it"

Buffy laughed "Sorry superstud" she disentangled herself from Xander "Like I said" she got up from the bed and passed Xander his jeans which he took begrudgingly "Maybe when you feel more… *up* to it"

Xander face took on a pained expression "Ha ha"

Buffy ruffled a hand through his hair and Xander batted her hand away "OK, I guess you have a point on the no nookie front" he said, looking up at her with a smile "Guess the whipped cream'll have to go on standby"

Buffy rolled her eyes "Hey, I don't like this anymore than you, OK? Let's just get you fully operational before we start getting-."

"Fully operational?" Xander finished, raising a suggestive eyebrow.

Buffy sighed exasperatedly "I can see this is going to be a long night."

-------------------

"Yeah, you heard me right" Buffy said to Willow on the phone the next morning "Currently my fiancé is sitting at the breakfast table trying to eat my mother out of house and home" Buffy stuck her tongue out at Xander when he made a face at her for that remark before continuing to speak to Willow. "No, he's fine. He's going to see his doctor today for a check up type thing … no, it's just to see how he's managing out of the hospital … OK, I'll speak to you later. Bye Will."

Buffy put the phone down and walked over to where Xander was seated "Willow said to say hi and she'll try and get by later" Buffy watched Xander eat for a few moments "Good to know you've got your appetite back" she commented.

Xander finished what he was eating and pushed the plate to the side "Your mom's the best" Xander replied giving a Joyce a quick grin when she came back into the kitchen.

Buffy sidled up to him "I thought I was the best" she said lightly.

Xander just grinned at her and kissed her softly on the lips "I never said what she was the best in" he murmured.

"Ah, well that makes all the difference" Buffy smiled. She stood behind Xander and wrapped her arms around his neck "You know I have to go to work today don't you?"

"Yeah, I know" Xander replied somewhat sadly "But I'm sure I'll find something to keep me occupied."

Buffy kissed him on the cheek "I'll be back at about one-ish and we can have lunch" Buffy took her arms from around his neck and took the piece of toast Joyce offered her. She blew Xander a kiss before taking a bite "Love you" Buffy said with her mouthful before heading out the back door.

Joyce put some toast infront of Xander and he quickly began to devour it. She smiled "I'd forgotten how much you eat."

Xander finished his last mouthful before replying "I'm just keeping my strength up" he told her "I'm not going to get all weak and wobbly-kneed on Buffy now that I'm out of hospital"

Joyce smiled again "Glad to hear it" she said and hesitated before continuing "And she's also right also about the fact that you shouldn't be taking things to quickly" Joyce sat down next to him "If the worst should happen and you should have some sort of… oh, I don't know… a relapse or something" the seriousness of Joyce's words wasn't hidden by her soft tone "I don't want my daughter going through all that again"

Xander held Joyce's gaze for a few seconds before looking down at his plate "I don't want to hurt her" he said quietly.

"You didn't hurt her" Joyce replied "But Buffy always wants to take everything on herself and when you were ill, she forgot about taking care of *herself*" she gave Xander a small smile when he looked back up at her "I know my daughter" Joyce continued "She'll still worry even though you're here and where she knows you're all right, but-"

"I can take care of her this time" Xander interrupted then shot Joyce an apologetic look for doing so "But I mean it" he added "With me around, Buffy'll be alright."

"Good" Joyce smiled warmly and stood up from the stool she'd been sitting on. She was about to head into the hall when she heard Xander mutter:

"Me and Buff are a team. Nothing and no-one is going to get between us again"

-------------------

__

(Two weeks later)

Xander's shoulders sagged "A double date?"

"Jeez, say it like that Xander" Buffy said "You make it sound like a bad thing" she passed him the box of donuts "It's Willow and Tara, y'know, your *friends*"

Xander took one of the donuts and studied it "Yeah, I know. But I wanted to spend my first night out of the house with *you* and not you *and* the sapphic twosome"

Buffy gave him a look of disbelief "I cannot believe you just said that" she snatched away his donut and put it back in the box. She ignored his pout "Xander, come on, its not like we all haven't double dated before."

"Buff honey, I think you're missing the point" he scooted nearer to her on the couch "It's not that I don't want to spend time with Wills and Tara, it's just that I'd rather spend more time with you" Xander leaned closer to her and Buffy tried to ignore him but he began to nibble on her earlobe "I mean, you're my fiancée"

Buffy didn't have anymore luck trying to ignore Xander when he moved his lips onto her neck and began placing light feathery kisses on her skin "And I think you're missing *my* point Xander. You've barely seen Willow *and* Tara since you've been out of hospital. You've been holed up here with me nearly all that and if you could keep doing whatever it is you're doing with your tongue I'd be very grateful"

Buffy sank back into Xander's embrace and he turned her around in his arms so he could devour her lips in a bruising kiss.

"Come on" Xander cajoled when they both came up for oxygen "Let's just go out. Just the two of us. We could find somewhere private…" he trailed off and kissed Buffy again.

"You do realise that this isn't going to work every time" Buffy said breathlessly.

"It that a yes?" Xander asked hopefully.

"Very much a yes" Buffy replied with a grin and pushed Xander back down on to the couch.

-------------------

Willow sighed when she got off the phone with Buffy later that afternoon "Great" she stated unenthusiastically.

Tara frowned and went over to her girlfriend "What's up?" she asked.

"That's was Buffy" Willow explained "She and Xander can't do the double date thing tonight"

"Oh" Tara was disappointed "Did she say why?"

Willow tried to shrug it off "It was just a quick message" she said and went to sit back down on her bed "Y'know, I think they probably just want to be alone" Willow continued, looking up at Tara and shrugged again "Makes sense when you think about it"

Tara sat down next to Willow and put an arm around her shoulder "I know you haven't seen him as much as you'd like to since he's been at Buffy's" Tara said "But he's just been through something major, it's gonna take him time to get back in the swing of things"

"I guess."

"And we can still go out" Tara looked hopefully at Willow.

"Yeah" a smile spread over Willow's face "It's not like they don't *want* to see us, right?"

-------------------

Giles quickly crumpled the piece of paper he had been scribbling on and shoved it in one of his pockets when both Willow and Tara came into the shop.

Giles looked at them both with mild surprise "Hello" he said, "I thought you two were out with Buffy and Xander tonight"

"Oh, we were" Willow said "But plans got changed at the last minute. Just me and Tara tonight"

"And you're *here* because…?" Giles trailed off and looked at them expectantly.

"I left my purse here" Tara told him "It should be behind the counter."

Giles looked down and saw that Tara was right. He picked it up and gave it to her with a smile. Then he looked at them both expectantly again when they made no move to leave.

"Was there anything else?" he asked.

"Nope" Willow replied a little too quickly than she would have liked "Well, what I-I mean to say is uh… Are you OK?"

Giles rolled his eyes heavenwards "Oh not you as well" he muttered just loud enough for them to hear. He looked back at them "I've had all this from Buffy in the past week and it's getting rather old. I'm *fine*. I told you that Ren is in San Francisco and *no* I haven't heard from her since then"

Tara cleared her throat "Well I think that just about covers it" she said meekly. Tara grabbed Willow's hand and started tugging her girlfriend towards the exit.

"Methinks Giles is a little bit touchy on the subject" she stated, shooting a pointed look at Giles before following after Tara.

Giles rolled his eyes and sighed. He waited until he could see that both girls had walked across the street before pulling out the piece of paper he'd secreted only minutes before. He smoothed it out on the counter top and stared at it. Written on the scrap of paper was an address in San Francisco. //Just because she doesn't want to tell me where she is and still won't answer my calls// Giles thought //Doesn't mean I can't find out//.

-------------------

Buffy arrived at work the next morning to find Giles already busy sorting through some boxes he had stored in the back room. She knocked gently on the door so she didn't startle him.

"Hey" she greeted as she walked up behind him as he crouched over. She peered over his shoulder "Whatcha got in there?"

Giles looked over his shoulder at her "Morning" he said "I think it's mainly just assorted rubbish" Giles stood up and faced Buffy "Nothing worth getting excited about"

Buffy followed after Giles as he went back out to the front of the shop "Do you need me for any heavy lifting today?" she asked as she tossed her jacket behind the counter.

Giles considered this "Um… actually no" he said "Just need you to keep an eye on things, not frighten away the customers… that sort of thing."

"Oh, OK… hey, what do you mean 'Not frighten away the customers'?"

"Buffy, if you'd have looked in the mirror this morning" Giles said "You'd have noticed that you have a rather scary grin on your face that would rival a Cheshire cat."

"I do not" Buffy insisted, then caught sight of her reflection in one of the cabinets and realised that Giles was right.

Giles just looked at her "Good night was it?"

"I have absolutely no idea what you mean" Buffy said, knowing in fact that she did have every idea of what he meant. 

Giles shook his head "Fine. Just remember I told you once before I have no earthly desires to know about your and Xander's sex life"

"You mean the bathroom thing?"

Giles shuddered a little "Yes the bathroom thing. Quite. Let's just get to work shall we?"

"Okey dokey" Buffy bounced over to the counter and jumped up so she was sitting on it, facing Giles and just in time to see Willow walk in.

"To think I bought this store to get away from everyone congregating at my home" he muttered under his breath.

But Willow heard him "Hey, I'll have you know I'm here as a customer" she said "Y'know, me witch, this *magic* store. *And*" she added "I was also going to say I'm sorry about y'know… last night. I guess it does get a bit old."

"Yes, well I do wish you would stop worrying about me" Giles replied, and gave Willow a smile to let hr know there wasn't any real, hard feelings "Anyway, I'm sure whatever it is you came here to buy, my lovely assistant" Giles gestured to Buffy "Will be able to help you" Giles paused "Assuming, that is, she can stop smiling long enough to be able to talk"

Buffy shot Giles a withering look as he wandered off into the back room again. She turned back to Willow "Hey, sorry about last night" she said, jumping back down on to the floor "Xander and I just got a little… caught up."

Willow smiled knowingly "I figured as much."

Buffy just grinned "Hey, what did Giles mean stop worrying about him?"

"Oh, Tara and I stopped by here last night. He got a bit touchy when I asked if he was OK."

Buffy looked over her shoulder to make sure Giles wasn't about to come back into the shop anytime soon. Realising he wasn't, Buffy turned back to Willow "About Ren?" Buffy asked in hushed tones.

Willow nodded "I know he likes her and all that" she said in tones that matched Buffy's "But I can't help feel he's worrying about her a little too much than he needs too. She can make her own decisions. Ren's a grown woman."

"Yeah… maybe."

"I mean it Buffy" Willow continued in a whisper so Giles couldn't over hear them "I mean, I liked her. She kinda grew on me, but I can't help thinking that maybe her decision to leave Sunnydale was for the better in the long run. I know Giles likes her, cares about her a lot, but what if she'd come between you and Xander? She's human now and from what Xander told me, the fact that she was a demon was the reason they broke up in the first place."

"You think she would have tried to get between us?"

Willow shrugged "You remember how she was before, she *could* be a real bitch. What would be to stop her now she's human?"

Buffy sighed "I don't think that would have been a problem."

"How can you be so sure?" Willow said, keeping her voice low.

Buffy looked around the shop before gently tugging Willow outside "Even if she had have tried" Buffy said when they got onto the street "I don't think Xander would have been too impressed"

Willow's brow creased "What do you mean?"

Buffy hesitated "Xander blames her" she said finally.

Willow was still confused "For what?"

"Tay" Buffy replied simply.

Willow's eyes widened "Oh."

Buffy ran a hand through her hair "He said… he believes… that if Ren had have told us about Tay, about what she was like, that we would have known and nothing would've happened the way it did"

Willow took this in "Well…" she said slowly "There is a sorta logic behind that."

Buffy took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly "And I think that's why she left" she said "In fact I'm pretty *damn* sure that's why she left"

"How come?"

"Because Xander said all that to her face."

"Oh my god" Willow darted a look towards the shop "Does Giles know?"

Buffy shook her head "How can I tell him that? How can I tell him what Xander thinks?"

"I guess you just can't walk in there and go 'Hey Giles, guess what? Ren left because Xander told her that it's her fault he was in a coma'" Willow put a comforting hand on Buffy's arm "Xander's not going to say anything, is he?"

Buffy shrugged "I said to him that it would be best if he didn't, but that was only because of Giles."

Willow raised a questioning eyebrow at Buffy "Do *you* think Xander's right?"

Buffy met Willow's eyes "If she didn't feel guilty… if she didn't think that herself… why didn't she just stay and stick it out? Talk it through with him?"

"Then there's your answer" Willow replied.

"What do we do about Giles?" Buffy said, "We can't let him go on thinking everything is all right"

"We'll think of something" Willow said "In the meantime you have to get you and Xander good again."

Buffy allowed herself a small smile "We're already good"

"So, last night was…"

"Perfect" Buffy's smiled grew wider, forgetting for a moment the Giles and Ren issue "It couldn't have been more perfect. I-I did want to wait" Buffy admitted "Y'know, until Xander got used to being Xander again, but…" Buffy's eyes twinkled "Being close to him again… like that…"

"Just like old times?"

"Just like old times" Buffy repeated.

-------------------

__

(The following evening)

Buffy tucked the stake she had been holding in the back of her jeans and put her hands on hips "Xander, *what* are you doing?"

Xander stood in front of Buffy's bedroom door, effectively blocking her exit. He had his arms crossed in front of his chest "Why do you have to go?"

"Because" Buffy glanced at her watch "It's ten thirty in the evening and I'm the Slayer."

"But I don't want you to go on patrol" he stated "I want you to stay here with me"

"Xander, Giles wants to go with me tonight and I can't tell him 'Sorry, I'd rather stay in and boink my boyfriend than push pointy wooden sticks through dead people'"

Xander shrugged "It's gotta be worth a shot"

"You're not going to move from that doorway are you?"

"Nope."

"Fine, then I'll just go out the window."

Xander darted after Buffy when she made a move to the other side of the room and caught hold of her before she made it to the window.

"Buffy, I don't want you to go."

Buffy looked at Xander "I'm *going* Xander" she said gently "Sacred duty and all that. Remember?" then she smiled "Come on" Buffy stood on tiptoe and kissed him on the forehead "I'll see you later OK?" she gave Xander's arm a squeeze before making her exit through the window.

Xander stared after her //She's not supposed to be doing this// he tried to keep his thoughts calm //She's supposed to stay. She's supposed to be with me//

-------------------

Giles brushed the vampire ashes off his clothes and smiled gratefully at Buffy "Well that was interesting to say the least" Giles commented as he followed after Buffy who had begun weaving her way through the headstones.

"Interesting how?" Buffy asked, not looking back at him.

"Uh… well, in the fact that you seem to be in a rather a hurry to kill the vampires"

"Tell me how that's bad."

"Oh, it's not bad" Giles replied "Just… well, you should be careful you don't-"

Buffy turned around and stopped walking "Giles, look. I came, I saw, I slayed. What's the big in how quick I did it?"

"N-nothing I suppose" Giles conceded a little "I just don't want you making any mistakes that's all"

"I *won't*" Buffy gave him a reassuring smile and turned back around, starting to walk again.

Giles stared after her for a few seconds before shaking the question he was going to ask her out of his mind. He jogged the couple of steps to her side and began walking next to her.

"Buffy?"

"Hmm?"

"How are you fixed for the next couple of days?"

"I haven't got anything major planned" Buffy replied, looking up at him "Why?"

"I have to go out of town" he told her "Um… a potential supplier needs me to be nice to him." 

Buffy shrugged "Sure. I can handle things in the shop."

"Thank you" he smiled at her "I'm sure you can convince Xander to keep you company."

"Yeah, he likes any chance he can to get out of the house" Buffy said "He's kind of at a loose end."

"Did you get to speak to uh… what's his name… Jack, about Xander's job?"

"Yup. He had to fill Xander's old one, but he said there's definitely something for Xander at the start of the new year. It'll only be part time for a while, that's the thing."

"If he wants to keep his apartment, he'll have to take it. Ren only paid the rent until the end of the year anyway."

"Yeah" Buffy glanced at her watch "Hey is that the time? OK, I'm gone."

Giles looked at his watch as well "It's hardly that late."

"Giles, I think I've filled my Slayer quota for tonight and" Buffy turned to face him and walked backwards "I wish to partake in that thing you have no" Buffy air-quoted around the next two words "Earthly desire" she grinned "To know about"

Giles sighed exasperatedly "Oh for… just *go*"

Buffy needed no further encouragement and before Giles could say anything else, Buffy was sprinting off into the distance.

Giles rolled his eyes "Hormones" Then he caught himself //But then I'm hardly one to talk//.

-------------------

Buffy wasted no time in getting back to the house. She entered through the front door this time and dropped the few weapons she had been carrying by the hall table. She made her way quietly up the stairs and kicked off her boots once inside her darkened bedroom.

"Xander" she hissed quietly as she quickly began to undress "You asleep?"

Buffy hadn't gotten an answer by the time she'd slipped under the covers beside him. Buffy smiled to herself and spooned up against his back as he was lying on his side. She peered over his shoulder and at his face.

"Hey, you are awake" she said quietly when Buffy saw his eyes were half-open. Xander was staring impassively ahead. Buffy planted a soft kiss on his bare shoulder "Xan?"

Buffy's brow creased slightly when Xander didn't acknowledge her "Xan?" she tried again and this time she squeezed his shoulder gently. Xander just closed his eyes and shrugged her hand away.

Buffy laid on her back when Xander then proceeded to turn himself onto his stomach. Buffy looked across at him and studied him in the darkness, but the moonlight wasn't bright enough to aid her. She sighed and reached out a hand and tentatively brushed her fingers lightly across his back before closing her own eyes and hoping to drift off to sleep.

-------------------

The next morning Buffy awoke to find herself alone in her bed. Wanting to talk to Xander about last night and before she had to go to work, Buffy slipped on her pyjamas and made her way down to the kitchen.

Both her mother and Xander were in there. "Hey" Buffy tried for bright and cheery. Joyce smiled back at her but Xander didn't look up from the bowl of cereal he was staring in to.

//Alright// Buffy thought to herself //It's official. We have a narky Xander//

Joyce, sensing that the kitchen was not a place she needed to be at that very moment, decided to go and investigate the wallpaper in the front hall.

"You OK?" Buffy asked.

Xander briefly lifted his eyes from the cereal bowl to look at her "I'm fine."

"Uh huh" Buffy wasn't convinced "Xander, I-I thought we told each other when something was wrong"

Xander pushed his bowl to one side and leant his arms on the counter top. He looked across at Buffy but didn't say anything.

Buffy stepped closer to him "Is there something I've done that I'm supposed to know about?" she tried to keep her tone fairly light "Xander, you have to tell me 'cos I'm at a loss here"

Xander got up from his stool and turned away from her, busying himself by the sink. Then he stopped realising Buffy wasn't going to ask him again. Xander turned around slowly to face her.

"Why did you go when I asked you to stay?" he asked.

Buffy saw the hurt look in his eyes and she was confused "What? When?"

"Last night."

"Last night?" Buffy's eyes widened when she realised what Xander was talking about "You mean about me going on patrol?"

"I wanted you to stay with me" Xander replied in a small voice "But you didn't."

"Xan…" Buffy caught hold of his arm and he tried to turn away from her, but Buffy wouldn't let him "Xander, you're really upset by this aren't you?" Buffy couldn't help the slight wonder from creeping into her voice "I never realised…"

Buffy reached up and brushed some of Xander's hair of his forehead "I'm sorry" she said simply "I didn't know"

Xander dropped his gaze to the floor before looking back at Buffy. He gave her a half-hearted smile "Guess I shouldn't have gotten so upset about it" then he sighed "I just didn't want you to go, that's all. I-"

"Hey" Buffy cut him off gently before he could finish by putting one of her fingers to his lips "I understand OK?"

Xander rested his chin on the top of Buffy's head "I just miss you that's all" he told her.

Buffy sighed and closed her eyes "I'm not going anywhere Xander."

Xander pulled back from her "I just worry that you won't come back"

Buffy opened her eyes and gave him a small smile "I do to" she said "Look, let's just put this behind us OK? I hate it when we argue."

After a moment, Xander nodded "Me too" he sighed "I can… I can do that."

Buffy smiled again "You wanna come help out in the shop today?" she asked hopefully, looping both her arms around Xander's neck "Giles is out of town for a couple of days and I have been left in charge. So?"

"Giles is out of town?"

"Uh-huh, he has to go see a supplier or something. I didn't ask too many questions" Buffy admitted "I like being boss-lady."

Xander grinned a little "Don't I know it" he brushed a stray strand of Buffy's hair back behind her ear "OK. How can I say no to spending an entire day with my gorgeous girlfriend, huh?"

-------------------

__

(Later that day)

Willow looked at the closed sign with confusion when she came to the door to Giles' shop. She glanced at her watch and frowned a little //He's supposed to be open at lunchtime//. Willow pressed her face to the glass in the door and cupped her hands around her eyes to block out the sun so she could see further into the shop. She couldn't see anything.

But, even thinking to herself as she did it that it was probably a futile effort, Willow tried the door handle. 

//Huh? Obviously *not* a futile effort// she then amended as the door swung open. Willow stepped cautiously inside, picking up a large statue off the table nearest the door as she passed by it. She knew Giles had left Buffy in charge and Willow knew that Buffy wasn't one to just leave the shop unattended. Things did not look good to Willow.

"Buffy?" Willow called out hesitantly "You here?" Willow tensed when she heard scuffling noises coming from her right but nothing made itself known. Willow raised the statue a little further above her head and began to circle on the spot slowly "Hey, whoever's there I-I just thought you'd like to know I might very probably be able to turn you into a rat. Probably. So-so don't try anything, 'kay?"

"Will?"

Willow spun around at the sound of someone calling her name and spotted the small hand waving at her from behind the counter. Very probably attached to an arm Willow thought, but still very much *just* a hand.

"Buffy?" Willow lowered the statue and took a few steps forward.

"Yeah huh" came the reply and slowly Buffy's head appeared from behind the counter "Hey."

Willow put the statue down on the table beside her "Um, Buffy? Why is the shop closed?"

"'Cos, I'm um… uh… stocktaking?" Buffy said "Yeah, that's right. I'm stocktaking."

Willow crossed her arms infront of her chest "Stocktaking?"

"Yup."

"So is Xander helping?"

"He's around here somewhere" Buffy said casually.

"Ah. Helping you find your clothes which I have just spotted over in the corner?"

"Ohhh, so that's where I put them" Buffy gave Willow the thumbs up sign "Thanks"

"And obviously Xander doesn't mind looking for your clothes while he's naked too then?"

"You found his clothes too?" Buffy gave Willow another thumbs up "More *excellent* work Willow"

"Yeah, thanks Will" Xander's head popped up next to Buffy's "Don't suppose you could see fit to shut the door on your way out, could you? Getting a bit chilly in here."

Buffy nudged Xander in the ribs "What he means to say is that this isn't what it looks like"

Willow just looked at them "So you aren't having sex in Giles' shop while he's out of town then?"

"Not since you came in" Xander muttered. Buffy nudged him in the ribs again and he disappeared behind the counter.

"There's a *really* good explanation for all this Willow" Buffy said "But I can't really think of it right now, so maybe if you came back in say, an hour, I could have one ready for you"

"Y'know, I don't think I really want to know" Willow replied "Look, I'll … I'll just go and you two can finish whatever it was that you say you *weren't* doing"

Buffy flashed Willow a big grin "You're the best"

"Yeah, yeah" Willow sighed exasperatedly and took a few steps towards the door before turning back to her friends "But just so you know, I really don't think that having sex in Giles' shop is the brightest thing you two could be doing with your time"

"Gotcha."

Willow waggled her fingers in goodbye and left the shop, pointedly closing the door loudly behind her.

Buffy sank to the floor and buried her face in her hand "Oh. My. God."

"It's just Willow, Buffy" Xander said "I don't think she'll hold it against us"

Buffy raised her head to look at him "But that's the whole thing. It might not have been *just* Willow. It could have been *any*body"

"Honey, stop worrying OK?" Xander caught hold of Buffy's hand and squeezed it gently "Look, we'll get dressed, open up the shop again and we can finish this" he grinned "Later tonight" Xander then grinned even wider "Or maybe even early evening."

Buffy smiled and snuggled back up against Xander "Sounds nice" she sighed contentedly "But what about patrol?"

"Don't go" Xander murmured in her ear.

Buffy closed her eyes "But I have to. Can't abandon my duty. Can't have dead people walking about."

"Dead people are always walking about in Sunnydale Buff" Xander replied "*Stay*. Please."

"Xan-"

"For me?"

Buffy's thoughts conflicted. One the one hand she knew she couldn't keep from going on patrol. On the other hand, she and Xander would be the only ones to know and… //Xander needs me. I don't want him thinking that I don't care about what he feels. I don't want another repeat of this morning, at least not while he's still only just out of hospital…//

Buffy turned to him and smiled "For you."

-------------------

__

(Later that evening)

Xander wasn't sleeping. Instead he lay on his side, propped up by his elbow and was gazing at Buffy as she slept beside him. He smiled a little to himself as she shifted slightly towards him.

On some level he felt bad for guilting Buffy into abandoning her patrolling that evening so she spent it with him instead. But the other part of him that then got to stay with Buffy was ecstatic.

Xander gently brushed his fingertips over Buffy's cheek //At least here we don't have any interruptions and comments from friends who think they know better//. Xander remembered from earlier when he and Buffy had been indulging in a little healthy heavy petting that was about to lead on to something better before they were disturbed by Willow entering the shop.

Xander had succeeded in remaining calm on the outside but on the inside he was seething. //Since when did a 'Closed' sign on the door mean 'Yes, please do enter and interrupt goings on of a carnal nature'?// Xander knew in hindsight that, yes, they probably should have *locked* the door, but that wasn't the point. The point was that Xander felt it was *their* time and space to be together. His and Buffy's. Not his, Buffy and Willow and anyone else who decided to drop by. // When will people get it into their heads that there are only two people in this relationship? Why can't they see that me and Buffy don't need anyone else? We're fine as we are//.

Xander planted a soft kiss on Buffy's forehead and she stirred slightly and rolled closer to him, draping an arm over his waist. In response Xander lay flat and put his own arm around Buffy and pulled her closer.

"Xander, why are you still awake?" Xander heard Buffy murmur.

"I thought you were asleep" Xander responded.

Buffy nuzzled her head into Xander's shoulder "Trying to."

Xander kissed the top of her head "Have you any idea how much I love you?"

Buffy grinned "I thought you just *showed* me" she tilted her head so she could look at him "It was a *gooood* show"

Xander grinned back "And you got an encore." 

Buffy batted him lightly on the arm "What were you thinking about?"

"When?"

"Before. When you weren't asleep."

"You… mainly"

"Me?" Buffy smiled shyly "OK. What were you thinking about me?"

"Well, amongst other things, I was thinking that we haven't even thought about setting a date yet."

Buffy chuckled "You were thinking about weddings?"

Xander shrugged as best he could with Buffy leaning against him "Hey, I'm allowed. So?"

"'So' what?"

"Any preferences for a season. Spring?" Xander suggested.

"Honey, we haven't even had our first anniversary yet" Buffy pointed out "We haven't even had our fist Christmas together"

"Buff, we've *had* Christmas'"

Buffy pouted "But not as a couple" she began tracing patterns with her finger on Xander's chest "And I kinda wanted to do all that first before we started getting all wedding-y"

"Uh… honey, I don't really think that any of that is going to stop us getting all-" Xander rolled his eyes a little "-*wedding-y*, is it? I mean we can still do all that stuff you said and think ahead. Right?"

"But-"

Xander put a finger to Buffy's lips, gently silencing her "Just promise me you'll think about it" he took his finger away "Please?"

Buffy gave him a soft smile "OK" she said after a couple of moments "I'll think about it"

"Promise?"

"Promise."

-------------------

__

(Earlier that evening)

Giles trudged wearily up the last flight of stairs to the apartment he had the address of scribbled down on a scrap of paper. He'd been in San Francisco most of the afternoon trying to find out the place where he hoped Ren was living now. After failing to get a suitable answer from anyone he met and then realising that the name of the street had been written down wrong, Giles had finally made it. 

He hoped.

And if he had made it, Giles had no idea of what he was going to say to her. He was pretty sure "Hey Ren, guess what? I love you. Please come back to Sunnydale with me and we can work all this out" wouldn't be the best thing to start off with. Granted it wasn't the worst thing either, but Giles was British, he didn't just come straight out with stuff like that. At least he didn't anyway.

Giles leant back against one of the hall walls when he reached the landing. It was the twelfth floor, and thankfully the last floor //Why couldn't she have picked a place with a bloody lift?//.

While Giles was waiting until he got full feeling back in his legs, he pulled out the scrap of paper and checked the number of the apartment which he *definitely* knew was right. He studied the numbers on some of the doors he could see and realised that he'd have to walk all the way to the end of the hallway. He closed his eyes and let out a small sigh "Rupert Giles" he said to himself quietly "I really hope you know what you're doing."

Or maybe it wasn't as much to himself as he'd thought.

"Well, I hadn't had you down for finding me until at *least* *next* week"

Giles' eyes snapped open and was nearly let down by one of his feet slipping from underneath him but he managed to stay standing "Well I always did like a challenge" he replied, giving Ren a small smile.

Ren shifted the grocery bag in her arms and sighed heavily "Oh, come on *then*" she began to walk and nodded her head, indicating for Giles to follow "I suppose you'll be wanting a cup of tea"

Giles fell into step behind Ren "So long as its not that god awful crap advertised by chimps dressed as humans you insist on drinking"

"Rupert, if I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, Earl Grey is vile, it tastes like what I can only imagine cats piss does" Ren began to search in her pockets for her keys "I have Assam. That do ya?"

"It's fine," he said as Ren found her keys. Giles sighed as he followed Ren inside "I can't believe I come all this way and the first thing we start talking about is bloody tea"

Ren gave him a small smile and then dumped her bag of shopping on the nearest chair. She turned back to Giles after he closed the door behind him "Well you've got to admit it's better than 50 polar bears all standing together"

Giles gave her a strange look "I'm sorry?"

"Ice breaker" Ren replied simply with a small smile.

"Ah. Yes, very amusing."

"And I can only assume you don't want to discuss the weather either" Ren continued "So that just leaves the burning question you're just dying to ask me…" Ren trailed off leaving Giles to follow on.

Giles rested his hands on the back of a chair and leaned forward a little "Well, I was hoping we could make a little more small talk and I'd actually *get* the cup of tea before I ask you why you really left Sunnydale in the middle of the night"

To his surprise Ren began to laugh. "What's so funny?" Giles asked.

"It's not funny" Ren calmed down a little "Honestly." She sat down on the small couch and gestured for Giles to sit which he did. "I'm not laughing at you either" Ren continued "It's just… oh, I don't know"

"What? Come on…" Giles prodded gently.

"I just think it's nice that you came all the way here without even knowing whether I was going to speak to you or not"

"Why?"

"I was a bit short on the phone the last time we spoke, wasn't I?" she gave Giles an apologetic smile "It was just me having a bad day. I was kinda at a low point."

"I understand" Giles replied, then added "But, for all appearances, you seem alright now."

"Actually I am" Ren surprised him by saying "Quality alone time is, well… quality alone time. I did some thinking, realised that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and wondered when on earth I became such an emotional wreck."

"You're hardly an emotional wreck Ren" Giles reassured her "You had a major life altering experience, literally. It was bound to affect you."

"Yeah, I know Rupert" Ren stood up and walked over to her kitchen area. She stood with her back to Giles for a few moments as she filled the kettle then turned back to Giles once she had set it to boil. "But I didn't expect it to affect me as much as it did."

"What do you mean?"

"Before… before Tay changed me, I was strong. Not just physically but in my head as well. I knew what I was doing when I got involved with Xander. OK, so I had a momentary lapse when I cried like a girl when everything was over that first time" Ren admitted "But I recovered. When I came back because of Angel telling me about a letter I never sent, it was just to reassure him, and you, that I wasn't ever going to just *go* like that"

"And then everything else happened" Giles said sorrowfully.

Ren nodded "With Xander in a coma I knew I couldn't just totally leave you guys to deal with it all. I knew I couldn't help that much but I just felt it was something I needed to do, to get me back to who I am"

"And are you?"

"I'm getting close" Ren smiled a little. She turned back around to finish making the drinks. She didn't speak again and Giles didn't say anything more until she handed him his cup.

"I get the feeling you're leading up to something here" he said as Ren sat back down.

"I am" Ren took a sip of her tea "Y'know when I got angry at you that time, just after Xander woke up?" 

Giles nodded, remembering "I implied that you might get between Xander and Buffy"

"Because you thought I still had feelings for him."

Giles blinked. "…T-thought?"

"Being the featured word" Ren gave him a small smile "Yeah. I do care about him Rupert" she admitted "But what *other* feelings I had, I guess they kinda just got pushed to the side with everything else that was happening… with Buffy so upset, it didn't seem right for me to-" Ren broke off "The point of all this is that when I looked for those stronger feelings again… I couldn't find them. All that was left was… not the same."

"But you'll never stop caring?"

"I don't think so" Ren paused, "Even in… in spite of everything."

Giles gave her a puzzled look. "What do you mean? What happened?"

Ren took a deep breath "When I saw Xander after he woke up, well, I didn't expect him to say what he did" Ren saw Giles gesture for her to continue and she did "He as much as told me he blames me for everything that happened"

Giles almost dropped his tea. He steadied his hand and placed the cup on the floor by the edge of the chair "He said *what*?"

"He feels that if I'd have told everyone about Tay, that they would have been prepared, known that they should have questioned the things that happened so that it could have been avoided or at least less painful for everyone"

"My god" Giles exclaimed quietly "He's never said anything like this to anyone else. At least not that I know of."

"I think he only needed to say it to me" Ren said "And at first I agreed with him, I'd already been feeling guilty about that."

"But you don't anymore?"

Ren shook her head "You saw for yourself what my sister could be like. You really think that everyone knowing about her would have stopped her from doing whatever she wanted?"

Giles thought about it "I-I guess not. She had everyone fooled. Even me" Giles paused "And I should know you better than anyone."

Ren smiled "You do."

Giles gave her a slight grin and then he shook his head lightly "I can't believe Xander would-"

"Leave it Rupert" Ren cut in "It's said. It's done. Nothing's going to change that."

"Maybe if I talked to him"

"Y'know, that's really up to you" Ren shrugged "He's got the right to think how he likes" Ren got up and went to the kitchen again and this time Giles followed her.

"And you don't mind that he thinks *that*?"

Ren set her cup down and turned to face him "I *mind* Rupert, OK? I just don't think that it's going to achieve anything in the long run if it keeps getting brought up. I can deal with it. Xander's in Sunnydale and I'm here."

Giles sighed sadly "So you're not planning on coming back anytime soon then?"

"Sorry Rupert, but I don't see it happening. Not in the near future anyway. I'm just getting started again here. I like this place."

Giles looked around the one bedroom apartment Ren had acquired "So you're settled then?"

"Getting there."

"I can't tempt you back?" Giles asked hopefully.

"As much as I enjoyed your company Rupert" Ren flashed him a grin "I don't think I could have continued to kip on your sofa for much longer anyway."

"I didn't mind."

"That's as maybe, but a girls gotta get sorted sometime."

Giles couldn't help but smile back "You're really OK, aren't you?"

Ren shrugged "Yup."

"Then I think I should get going" Giles gave her a quick squeeze of her shoulder and began to walk back over towards the door.

"Rupert, you don't have to go just yet" Ren told him "Hey, you can kip on *my* sofa if you like"

"I'm afraid I've left Buffy in charge of the shop" Giles said as he opened the door "And I may have left the oven on at home as well."

Ren laughed "Best you get back then" she leaned forward and gave him a peck on the cheek "Don't be a stranger, OK?"

Giles ducked his head and gave Ren a bashful smile "I won't" he paused "Bye Ren."

"Bye Rupert."

Giles turned to leave but suddenly turned back around "Ren-" he began to say but he cut himself off and before he even knew what he was doing himself, one of his hands found it's way around Ren's waist and pulled her towards him and before Ren could even react, Giles covered her lips with his own, kissing her softly.

They stayed like that for a few brief moments until Giles pulled back and mumbled a few words of apology before turning on his heel, hurrying away back down the hallway and back down towards the lobby of the building, leaving a shocked Ren in his wake.

-------------------

__

(Next day)

"Buffy? Where do you want these?" Xander held up a medium sized jar to show Buffy.

Buffy looked up from the book she was studying while they had a quiet moment in the shop to see what Xander was talking about. "If they're kinda green and look like eyes they should go on the shelf behind you."

Xander grimaced and promptly proceeded to place the jar on the shelf behind him. He walked over to the counter Buffy was standing behind and leant forward against it, putting his hands on the counter "Y'know, I had a *lot* more fun in here yesterday"

Buffy grinned at him "Yeah, I know we did."

Xander grinned back and leaned a little more forward "So what do you say about us repeating it?" he asked seductively.

Buffy leant forward herself and captured his lips in a quick kiss "I'd love to take you up on that offer sweetie, but as Giles didn't know what time he was going to be back I don't really want him to catch us inflagrante"

Xander pouted "You're too sensible for your own good."

"Hmm, I know" Buffy kissed Xander for a little longer this time "It's one of my weaker points."

Xander moved his arms so his elbows were know propping him up as he leant on the counter "So" he indicated the book Buffy had been perusing "Anything interesting in there?"

"Demon lore" she turned over a page "Demon lore and more demon lore " Buffy shut the book with a dull thud pointedly "More like demon *bore*"

"It's better when Giles does this stuff isn't it?"

"Uh huh. I'm just more or less happy being the hired muscle."

"Except you don't get paid" Xander pointed out.

"Yeah, there is that" then Buffy shrugged "But that's not really the point of the whole Slayer gig is it? I mean, I'm saving the world. That's kinda like a reward in itself, right?"

"Right" Xander confirmed.

"And… y'know" Buffy continued, dropping her gaze slightly from Xander's "It's something that I *have* to do. I mean, it's who I am" Buffy looked back at Xander "The Slayer" she finished simply.

"You're driving at something here, aren't you?"

"Well… " Buffy began hesitantly "I-I know the last couple of nights have been good, but-"

"But you have a duty" Xander finished for her.

"Xander, it's not that I don't want to be with you, OK? Believe me, I *really* want to be with you" Buffy grasped hold of Xander's forearm "I mean, that thing you did last night with the-" Buffy began in a low voice before checking herself and continuing with her previous train of thought "OK, what I'm trying to say is that I can't keep *not* going on patrol. It's not fair on… well, the world. I have to save it and-" Buffy was cut short by Xander's lips on hers.

"I get it Buffy" Xander said when he pulled back from her "I've been there with you. I know what your life entails."

"And you're *so* in that life" Buffy replied "Really, it's just-"

Xander cut her off again "Buffy, hey, stop it. You don't have to justify yourself to me, OK? Really, I know what you're getting at" he paused and reached out to tuck a stray strand off Buffy's hair back behind her ear "I know it was a lot to ask of you to miss patrol for me and before when I got upset that you didn't stay… well, I shouldn't have" Xander shrugged "I just don't want to spend anymore time apart from you than I have to"

"We missed so much didn't we?" Buffy said softly

Xander nodded "We did" then he gave Buffy a quick grin "And this is your way of telling me you're going out tonight?"

"Uhh… yeah" Buffy gave him an awkward smile back "Giles is kinda antsy for us to start training together a bit more, y'know like we used to, and wants to go out on more patrols with me and everything"

"So, I don't suppose there's any chance you might want a hand…"

Buffy realised what Xander meant, "You want to come with me?"

"Why not?"

"I can think of a few reasons Xan" Buffy answered "For one thing, you haven't even been out of hospital a *month* yet"

"The doctors said I was *fine* Buffy" Xander countered "It's not like I don't know what I'm doing."

"I don't doubt that Xander" Buffy reassured him "But I'm not willing to risk it."

Xander's jaw set in a hard line and he backed up a little from the counter "So I'm a *risk* now, am I?"

"What? Xander, no" Buffy replied quickly "That's not what I meant-"

"No, I *know* what you meant," Xander began to back up towards the door "I get-" he stopped when he felt himself connect with someone else behind him.

"Well it's nice to see that you two aren't naked today," Willow said with a grin.

Xander turned around to face her and also Tara who had come into the shop with her girlfriend. "Gee, well I'm glad I did everything right for ya Will" Xander replied a little coldly.

Willow, taken aback by Xander's harsh tone, faltered a little "I-I, well… I-I didn't mean-"

"Save it Willow. At the moment I don't feel like hearing another one of your opinions" Xander replied. He turned to blonde witch and his face softened a little "Hey Tara. Bye Tara" he said before the frown settled once again on his face and he jostled past the two witches and then proceeded to stalk out of the shop.

Willow blinked a couple of times in quick succession before turning to look at Buffy, who sighed and hung her head dejectedly.

"We came in the middle of something here didn't we?" Tara said quietly.

"Just a bit" Buffy replied. She raised her head to look at the other two "I don't know what happened. One minute we were OK, the next… ugh" Buffy ran a hand though her hair "I don't know" she sighed "I was just worried about him that's all" Buffy paused then shot Willow an apologetic smile "I'm sorry you got caught up in it"

"What happened?" Willow asked.

Buffy walked out from behind the counter and sat at the table "He wanted to come on patrol. I said I didn't think it would be such a great idea."

Both Willow and Tara sat down too "Well I think you're right" Willow responded "It's too soon. He can't expect to go leaping back into the fray just yet."

"I know that" Buffy sighed "And I'm gonna have to talk to him about it again. I can't leave it like it is."

"Leave what?" a non-female voice asked.

All three girls looked up to see Giles. Buffy sighed "Relationship issues" she told him and then gave him a weary smile "How'd your trip go?"

"Well… it was interesting" Giles replied "And quite an-an eye-opener in some respects."

Buffy's brow creased a little "I thought you went to see about a new supplier."

"Oh… I uh… well, I… I lied" Giles admitted.

"What? You lied?" Buffy repeated, a little shocked "Why? What *did* you do?"

"I went to see Ren" Giles said simply.

"I thought you didn't know where she was staying" Willow said.

"I found out" Giles replied "And I didn't tell you" he added before they had a chance to ask, "Because I thought I might get talked out of it"

"Why would we do that?" Buffy asked.

"I didn't say you *would* Buffy" Giles told her "I just said I thought you *might*"

Buffy gave a short sigh "OK. Whatever. So" she said, "What did she have to say?"

"About what?"

"About why she left" Buffy continued. She paused. "That is why you went isn't it?"

"Well, yes" Giles admitted "That and I had a chance to pretend I was Steve McQueen."

Buffy and Willow rolled their eyes at each other and Tara grinned. "How is she?" the blonde witch asked Giles "She OK?"

Giles smiled at Tara "Ren's fine" he replied "She settled and likes the life outside Sunnydale."

"Did she say why she went?" Willow asked.

"Yes she did" Giles replied and he noticed that Buffy dropped her gaze from his "And I've got a feeling other people might have an idea as well" he added.

Buffy looked back up at Giles "What *did* she say?"

"Something that I don't for one second believe is true" Giles replied, looking back at Buffy "But right at this very moment I'm not going to get into a discussion about it" he then said "It can wait until another time"

When Giles turned his back on the three girls to go over to the counter, Willow shot Buffy a look and mouthed silently "What happens now?"

Buffy shrugged weakly and mouthed back "I don't know"

Giles turned back to them "I don't suppose you know where Xander is right at this very moment?" he asked Buffy.

Buffy sighed and slumped back in her seat "I don't know" she told him "We had an argument. He stormed out."

"Oh… well" Giles paused "Guess I'll try and get hold of him later" he headed back towards the door "I trust you're still able to keep an eye on the shop for a little longer" he said, more like a statement than a question "I have to go home for some things, then I'll be back"

"Yeah" Buffy replied, giving him a quick smile "I'll be fine."

"Good" Giles gave the other two witches a quick smile before taking his leave.

As soon as the door closed Buffy let her head drop down so it touched the table "Oh *yay*"

Tara shot a puzzled look at Willow "What's going on here?" she asked, "Why does Mr Giles think you know something, Buffy?"

"Because I do" Buffy replied and raised her head "It's a whole big horrible thing" she sighed "Some things were said and I don't know if they should have been said and… ugh" Buffy dropped her head to the table "And now I feel really bad about not telling Giles."

"But I thought you said it would have been better if he *didn't* know" Willow said, putting a hand on her friends shoulder.

"You *both* knew?" Tara exclaimed softly. She shot Willow a look with a mixture of hurt and accusation "I can't believe…" Tara trailed off and stood up from her seat "That's *not* fair" she began to walk away.

"Tara? What?" Willow stood up "Wait, hey, you're going?"

"No, I-I uh…" Tara composed herself "Yeah, I am. Y-you should have told Mr Giles. He's been beating himself up about this since she left" Tara's tone softened a little "Look, I'll talk to you later, OK?"

Willow stared after her girlfriend as Tara left the shop. He shoulders sagged and she sat back down again.

"You're not going after her?" Buffy mumbled from underneath her hair.

"I don't think I'm her favourite person at the moment" Willow replied regretfully "But we'll sort it out later " she sighed "You're not going to go after Xander?"

Buffy looked up at Willow and shook her head "Trust me, he'll be easier to talk to when he's calmed down" Buffy answered "I'll see him later."

"What are you gonna say?"

"That's what I've got the rest of the afternoon to think about."

-------------------

Buffy came home that later that afternoon to find Xander lying on his back on the bed. Buffy could see his eyes were closed but she knew he wasn't asleep.

"Xander" she said resolutely "You said you knew what my life entails."

Xander didn't answer her. Buffy pressed on.

"So why now?"

This time Xander answered her "Why now *what*?"

"Why *now* do you choose to pull this crap"

"*What?*" Xander turned over and sat upright "What crap?"

"This stuff about not going out on patrol with me" Buffy replied "You *know* we sorted all this stuff out between us when we first started seeing each other. I told you that I thought it was sweet you wanted to throw yourself in front of anything nasty that came my way, but that I didn't want a boyfriend with anymore holes in him than was strictly necessary"

"Oh, this is *so* not about that"

"Then what is it about Xander? Come on, *tell* me"

Xander stood up and faced her "This is about you not thinking I'm good enough to go out there with you at night. This is about you thinking that I'm going to get in your way." 

"Well that's where you're wrong" Buffy corrected him "There is no one I'd rather have by my side than you Xander. No one. But you were sick for a long time, I know, 'cos I was there for all of it and you are *not* up to coming out on patrol with me"

"The doctors said I was as good as new Buffy. You were there with me, you *heard* them say it"

"Those doctors gave you a clean bill of health for a *normal* life Xander" Buffy countered "What they *didn't* give you was a clean bill of health to go out fighting *demons*. There's a difference. A *big* difference and you can't expect me to have you out there and *not* worry about you"

"So what am I supposed to do, huh? Just sit here and *wait* until you decide that *I'm* *OK*?"

"No Xander, I don't. Xander" Buffy took hold of his shoulders firmly "If you wanna get back out there with me then you're going to have to do things my way. First of all you're gonna train with me."

"Train with you?"

"Yup."

Xander stared at her "Oh my god, you're *serious* aren't you?"

"*Totally*" Buffy let go of Xander and put her hands on her hips "So? Are you in?"

Xander didn't hesitate "When do we start?"

=====

tbc…


	4. Chapter Four

****

Aspects of Love

Part Four

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

__

(Next Morning)

"You kissed me." 

Giles had only just finished closing his front door as he prepared to leave for work when he heard those three words uttered. Giles turned around slowly to face the owner of the familiar voice. 

He stared at her a little while before speaking. "Um… yes."

"So I didn't imagine it then?"

"Um… no"

"Oh" Ren blinked "Oh. Right. Well, OK. I'll be going then. Things to do and all that" she turned to leave and got a few steps before Giles called after her.

"So your cell phone isn't working then?"

Ren turned around "What?"

"I mean, you came all the way from San Francisco to ask me that" Giles paused "Here. Now."

"I… I-" Ren put her hands on her hips "Don't change the subject Rupert"

"I wasn't aware that I had" Giles replied, managing successfully to hide the ghost of a smile from appearing on his face.

Ren narrowed her eyes and glared half-heartedly at Giles "Did too."

Giles allowed the corners of his lips to twitch a little "I'm *quite* sure I didn't"

"Well I-" Ren broke off and gave a short sigh "Look, I'm just gonna uh… go" she took a few steps backwards "Just leave you to get to work and everything."

Ren began to walk away again but stopped and turned around just before Giles would have lost sight of her. She pushed some hair back from her face and Giles thought she was going to say something else, but she didn't. Ren turned back again and walked out of sight.

Giles stood where he was for a few moments before sighing and shaking his head. He was almost positive that he didn't need to go after her. Giles had the strangest feeling he'd be seeing her again… soon.

-------------------

Willow caught up with Buffy later that morning at Giles' store. Buffy had just finished serving a customer and was finishing up with the till when she spotted Willow heading towards her.

"Hey Buffy" Willow said brightly.

"Hey Will" Buffy replied "No classes?"

Willow shook her head "Cancelled. Just thought I'd drop by."

"Did you catch up with Tara?"

"Yeah. We sorted things out. She said she didn't think it was fair we hadn't told-" Willow broke off and looked around for Giles, not seeing him she continued, although in lower tones "That we hadn't told Giles about what Xander said"

"But you're OK?"

Willow nodded "We're cool. What about you and Xander? How'd that go? Did you tell him what you were going to?"

Buffy smiled a little at Willow questions "Yeah, I told him" she replied and relayed to Willow what she'd proposed to Xander the previous night.

"Where's Xander now?" Willow asked.

"He had a couple of things he wanted to do this morning and then he's going to drop by here" Buffy paused "Giles hasn't spoken to me yet. I mean, about what Ren told him."

"Well I think you should talk to him about it before Xander gets here-" Willow broke off when she saw Giles.

"Don't worry Willow I was planning on it" Giles said "Maybe you should be getting back to your classes."

"Uh…" Willow shot a quick glance at Buffy who gave her a look back that said it would be OK. Willow gave Buffy a quick smile before she turned and left.

Buffy looked at Giles apprehensively "Are you gonna yell?"

Giles shook his head "I did expect more of you Buffy. The least you could have done was tell me."

"I'm sorry Giles" Buffy said earnestly "I really didn't think Xander-"

"Yes, well I think we'll get to Xander later-"

"Giles you don't understand. *I* didn't tell you because I knew it would upset you. I told Xander not to say anything" Buffy's shoulders sagged "When I realised that he'd told Ren, I felt horrible because I didn't know if could tell you or not"

Giles took off his glasses and began cleaning them "So… what? You didn't know if you were protecting me o-or protecting Xander?" he put his glasses back on and looked expectantly at Buffy.

"I don't know" she replied in a quiet voice.

"Do you think Xander's right?"

"I don't… maybe... I-I don't know Giles. I-"

"Maybe? Buffy, you must have *some* idea" Giles pressed.

"Look, I *don't* OK?" Buffy could feel tears begin to well up "I just-"

"Just what?"

"Just…" she sniffed "I don't-" Buffy's shoulder's began to shake and she finally broke down "…know" she managed to finish.

Giles swore under his breath. He hadn't meant to reduce her to tears. Giles stepped behind the counter and took Buffy in his arms "Buffy, I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean-"

"It's… it's just t-that everything has b-been so *hard* lately. I-I c-can't think straight o-or…"

"Buffy-"

"A-and I didn't mean to make you angry…"

Giles took hold of Buffy's upper arms and held her so he could look at her face "Buffy, I'm not angry. Look, let's just shut up shop and we can sit down and take a break, yes?"

Buffy nodded and Giles ushered her into the back room where there were some couches set up to form part of a little study area. Buffy sat down and tried to compose herself.

"I'm sorry for crying on you" she said when Giles came back from closing up the shop "I-I've been a little stressed lately" Buffy looked up at him "Partly 'cos of not knowing whether t-to tell you about Ren a-and-" Buffy broke off and sighed shakily "I'm sorry I didn't tell you"

Giles smiled a little "I think I've got that by now" he said "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have been so hard-" Giles broke off and paused "I-I guess I was surprised when Ren told me that's all… you shouldn't have been the one to be first on the uh, well, receiving end as it were"

Buffy gave Giles an anxious look "You're not mad at Xander are you?"

Giles hesitated "I don't think mad is the word I'd use, no, Buffy. Xander-" Giles scratched at his forehead "Xander has a right to his own opinions" he paused "I just don't think he's right, that's all"

"Oh" Buffy replied simply and was silent for a couple of seconds "So what now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean… Xander. You're gonna talk to him?"

Giles hesitated before nodding "I really do need to."

"I don't think you can get him to change his mind."

"Maybe not" Giles smiled thinly "Ren said too that he had a right to think what he wanted."

"Is she OK?"

"Ren?" Giles smiled a little more wider "Yes, she fine" he paused "She also thinks Xander's wrong too"

"She does?"

Giles just nodded.

"Well that's… unexpected" Buffy said truthfully and a little surprised "Before she left she seemed…"

"I know" Giles agreed "But when I saw Ren… she's… changed."

Buffy smiled "Somehow I don't think that's gonna make a difference to you"

Giles flustered a little "Well, no. I-" he broke off and smiled back at her "I'm not making a fool of myself am I?"

Buffy shook her head "Not at all" she grinned "It's cute."

Giles rolled his eyes "Thank you for that Buffy" Giles smiled back though when he realised she was sincere.

"Buffy? You said you were uh, stressed" Giles said after a few moments of silence between them "You're not OK?"

"Oh, its just I-I had a sort of an argument with Xander yesterday. He wanted to come out on patrol with me. I told him no"

"I take it he wasn't pleased?"

"Nuh uh" Buffy pushed some hair back behind her ear "But we reached a compromise. I think it's going to work out."

Giles studied her "But that's not all is it?"

Buffy sighed "It's been harder than I thought it was going to be."

Giles looked at her in confusion "Harder?"

"Well, not *harder* I guess. Just…" Buffy slouched back into the couch "Getting everything back to normal… me and Xander… it isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be" she sighed again "I don't know whether it's because we haven't been spending enough time together or-or whether we've been spending *too* much time together"

"You're having problems?"

"No, no. We're good" Buffy replied "Things have been good" she paused "But… but maybe, I think… there's something, I don't know… missing?"

Giles let Buffy's half-question hang. It wasn't for him to answer.

-------------------

__

(Same day - Noon)

Giles was doing a quick stock take when Xander came into the shop that lunchtime. He put down what he was doing and let Xander sit down at the table before he went to put the closed sign on the door for the second time that day.

Xander gave Giles an odd look when Giles walked back towards him, then Xander glanced around the shop before looking back to Giles who stood just a few feet infront of him "Where's Buffy?" Xander asked "I thought she was gonna be here"

"I sent her home" Giles replied "She was a little tired and I thought she could do with some time by herself."

"Tired? She seemed OK this morning" Xander got up and prepared to leave "Guess I'll catch her back at home then."

As Xander was about to walk past him, Giles caught hold of the younger man's arm "Just a minute" he caught Xander's eyes "I'd like a word if I may."

Xander's eyes flicked towards the now closed shop door and back to Giles again "Am I going to like this?"

"Sit."

Xander gave Giles and odd look but sat back down at the table anyway "OK. What gives?"

Giles sat opposite Xander. He pushed some books aside and rested his arms on the table "I went to see Ren" he told Xander.

Xander stared back at him "How nice for you."

"Yes, I rather thought you might take that attitude Xander and that's exactly why I wanted to take this chance to talk to you."

"Uh huh" Xander crossed his arms in front of his chest "And exactly what *attitude* would it be that I'm supposed to be taking?"

Giles closed his eyes and scratched at his forehead "And obviously you're going to be difficult about it" Giles opened his eyes and looked back at Xander "Let me ask you something Xander" Giles jumped straight into it "How many times has Ren saved your life? How many times did she put *her* life on the line-"

"How many times *didn't* she tell us about her past? About Tay?" Xander retorted. He shook his head "Guess she told you what I said, huh?"

"She did" Giles replied "Ren was actually very diplomatic about it"

"Well yippee for her" Xander's tone notably unenthusiastic "And I guess telling me all this is supposed to make me change my mind?"

"It would appear not" Giles stood up "Fine. I thought at least you might be adult about this and listen to reason-"

"*Hey*. I'm listening guy here. Y'know, actually" Xander stood up "I'm going to be *talking* guy now. What right does anyone have to tell me what the hell to think?" Xander got louder "Her *bitch* *sister* put me in a *coma* Giles. A *coma*. What do you *expect* me to feel?"

"Featured word being *sister*" Giles tried not to raise his voice too "And I *expected* you to realise the *difference*"

Xander let out a strangled laugh "Difference? They were twins! And I think I would have mentioned if *I'd* had an evil twin"

"Do you really think knowing about Tay would have stopped anything that happened Xander? Do you? You had *first* *hand* experience of what Tay was like. What could any of us have done to stop her? Tell me that!"

"I don't have to tell you anything," Xander said as he stormed past Giles. He turned back to the older man as he reached the door "This has got nothing to do with anyone else except *me*" and with that Xander exited the shop, slamming the door behind him.

Giles sighed and sat down back in his chair "Well, I think that went *very* well" he muttered to himself "Why on earth do I get myself into these things?"

-------------------

Xander almost didn't see Willow before he bumped into her as he was storming along the street after 'speaking' with Giles.

"Hey Xander, where's the fire?"

"Willow, look, I'm not in the mood, OK?" Xander made a move to keep walking but Willow caught hold of his sleeve.

"Xander, what's wrong?"

Xander turned to face her and plucked himself from her grasp "Please Will" he said "Just let me go and I won't say something I'll regret."

"Xander-"

"*Bye* Will"

Willow frowned as she watched Xander carry on down the street. She didn't know whether to be more concerned that Xander was obviously upset or concerned that he would have said something to her that would have regretted. Willow was still a little bit hurt that he hadn't apologised for snapping at her yesterday.

Sighing, Willow re-shouldered her bag and continued on her journey towards Giles' store //Maybe he had another argument with Buffy// she thought //Better go check with her//.

Once inside Giles' store, Willow waited a couple of minutes for Giles to finish serving a couple of customers before she spoke to him.

"Hey Giles."

"Willow" Giles gave her an apologetic smile "Sorry about before. I-I didn't mean-"

"S'okay Giles" Willow said smiling back "I get it. It was a you and Buffy thing. Willow was not needed."

"Yes, well…" Giles ran a hand through his hair "I'm um, guessing that you knew what it was about"

Willow nodded "Buffy was just, y'know, worried about how you might take it. She didn't mean-"

"Yes, yes. I know. I've done all this already with her and um, Xander"

"Yeah, I just saw him. Let me tell you, he was *not* a happy bunny and I guess that's why he's not happy because you talked with him" Willow realised.

Giles sighed "Well I have to agree that it wasn't one of my best efforts."

"Y'know, I'm sure when he calms down and y'know, thinks about it, it'll be better" Willow offered.

Giles gave Willow a dubious look "That's something I'll have to see" Giles walked from behind the counter "And you. Do you think he's right?"

"Oh, no fair. You put me on the spot!" Willow groaned. Giles just gave her a look. "OK, OK" Willow carried on "No. I don't. Maybe I did before, but yesterday, Tara got a little mad 'cos me and Buffy hadn't told you and we talked and she said some things and I kinda realised that, well… Xander's wrong."

Giles gave a small smile "Your views are appreciated."

"You're welcome" Willow paused and then gave Giles a hopeful look "Does that entitle me to store credit?"

"No."

"Shoot. Ooh, but I still meant what I said," she added quickly.

Giles smiled "I know."

"But still no store credit right?"

"Not in my lifetime."

-------------------

Buffy awoke from her doze on the couch when she heard the front door slam. "What the…" she exclaimed sleepily, pushing hair back from her face "Xander?"

"Yeah" Xander lumped his fist into the hall wall.

Buffy winced "What's wrong?"

Xander turned to face her "Stupid people telling me the hell to *think*"

"What?"

"I am so… ugh" Xander hit his fist into the wall again "*Annoyed* and *dammit*" he cradled the hand he'd hit the wall with his other one "That hurt"

Buffy got up and went over to him, taking his injured hand "Xander honey. Calm down, OK? I'm sure Giles didn't mean-"

Xander pulled his hand away "And *exactly* how did you know it was *Giles* that I'd been speaking to?"

Buffy sighed "Because he said he would Xander. About Ren. She told him what you said to her. What? You think he wasn't going to say something back?"

"I can't believe you didn't even let me know what I was in for" Xander moved back towards the front door.

Buffy looked at him in disbelief "Xander! I didn't even know where you *were*. How could I have told you?"

Xander turned away from her "I'm going for some air" and with that Xander went out from the front door he'd only just moments before stepped through and stormed off down the path.

Buffy kept the look of disbelief on her face "I can't win!"

-------------------

"…and then he just stormed out" Buffy switched the telephone receiver to the other ear and sank back against the couch "He just walked off. Didn't even wanna *hear* what else I had to say"

He was angry before Willow said on the other end of the line I don't think it was you

"Oh, I don't know Will" Buffy sighed "It's like I'm walking on eggshells around him lately. I'm afraid if I say the wrong thing it'll just set him off."

Buffy you can't keep worrying about this stuff. Xander will just have to deal with it

Buffy sighed again "Maybe. I'll talk to him when he decides to come back. Perhaps if I can get him to let out some of his anger out in a training session beforehand it might make things easier."

A girl with a plan. That's good Willow paused Are you OK, though? I spoke to Giles earlier and he told me what happened between you two. He said you told him you were feeling stressed

"It's not totally like that" Buffy replied "It's just… ugh… I don't know if I can explain it really, but… it sorta feels like I'm being stretched. Like if I don't cover all my bases, y'know, everything I'm supposed to be doing or-or worrying about, then some thing is just come out of the blue at me"

Um Buffy, that actually sounded like a pretty good explanation

"It did? Oh, well, go me then."

Willow chuckled Look, Buffy, stop worrying. Talk to Xander and explain your side of things. And remember that you're not the one who should be apologising here and y'know Willow added If all else fails you could bitch slap him until he agrees

"Duly noted" Buffy said with a slight smile "And thanks."

You're welcome Willow replied. She paused Especially if you put in a good word with Giles about giving me store credit

-------------------

__

(Later that evening)

"Hey."

"Gah!" Giles jumped and put a hand to his now palpitating heart. He turned around from his previous task of locking up his store "What is it with you and sneaking up on me today?"

Ren shrugged "You're easier to practice on than vampires."

"Well I'm glad I could be of service" Giles replied dryly "Anything else I can help you with or are you just passing through?"

"Need a hand with those books?" Ren asked indicating the stack by Giles' feet.

"Much appreciated. My car is around the back" Giles moved off and Ren picked up the books and followed after him.

"So *are* you just passing through?" Giles asked as he unlocked his car "I got the impression this morning that you were off again"

Ren dumped the books on Giles' back seat "Yeah, I thought that too" Ren leant back against the car and stared up at the evening sky.

"What a mine of information you are."

Ren cast a sideways look at him "And, pray tell, what sort of information were you hoping for?"

"Any would be a start."

Ren grinned "Do you know what I like about you Rupert? You take so bloody long to get to the point."

"And it really doesn't help when I'm talking to you."

"That's 'cos I take too bloody long as well"

Giles laughed a little "Very true" Giles leant back against the car and looked at Ren "I spoke to Xander."

"Thought you might" Ren turning her attention to the sky again "What'd he say?"

"Well he didn't *say* so much as… yell" Giles answered "I've got a feeling it would have been better if I hadn't brought it up at all"

"Eh, that's his problem. I've got other things to think about."

"Is that so?" Giles paused "Why are you back here Ren?"

"To see you" Ren turned to him and studied him for a few moments before grinning "So are you just gonna stand there like an idiot or are you gonna kiss me again?"

Giles blinked "Excuse me?"

Ren gave him an innocent look "Come on, I haven't got all evening" she paused briefly "Well maybe I might have" she added, "All depends on how the next couple of minutes go"

"I-I…"

Ren's lips twisted up at the corners "Clocks ticking… oh, hey!" Ren exclaimed when Giles caught hold of her wrist and pulled her to him. She smirked "Well *he-llooo* Ripper"

"I thought I told you not to call me that" Giles remarked, putting his other hand around Ren's waist.

"Oh but you used to *like* it. I remem-"

"Ren. Shut up."

"Make me."

-------------------

Buffy hesitantly put the key into the lock of the door. A door that she hadn't stood infront of for over four months.

When Xander hadn't come back by nine o'clock that evening, Buffy had been worried. She called Willow and Giles. Willow hadn't seen him since she'd spoken on the phone with Buffy earlier and Giles' phone had been off the hook. 

She had just been preparing to go around to Giles' when a thought struck her and that was why she was now standing outside the door to Xander's apartment. 

Buffy hadn't been back since it had happened. Since she'd come here with Ren and they'd found Xander at death's door after Tay had finished with him. She knew Giles had been here. He told her that he had been to clean the place up and only later told her that he hadn't managed to get the blood up from the carpet.

Buffy turned the key and pushed open the door. She flipped on the light switch and the light flickered a couple of times before illuminating fully.

Xander was sitting cross-legged on a rug that Giles had placed over the bloodstain. He was staring intently at the floor, apparently lost in thought. He didn't look up when Buffy closed the door behind her.

"I was worried about you" Buffy said, sitting down beside him "It's late. You didn't call."

"This rug isn't mine is it?" he said, not looking up.

"Giles bought it."

"Oh."

"Giles was just trying to understand what you thought Xander" Buffy said softly "He wasn't trying to undermine you."

"Felt like it" Xander looked up and then at Buffy "Sorry I got mad at you"

Buffy leant over and kissed him on the cheek "Don't do it again" she scolded lightly. Buffy leant her head on his shoulder "Why'd you come here Xan?"

"Just kinda found myself here" he replied sadly. Xander looked around the room "The memories in this place, huh?"

"I only want to remember the good ones Xander."

"But the bad ones… they won't go away Buff."

"Then you'll just have to keep telling yourself that none of them were your fault Xander." Buffy eased herself into Xander's lap and he put his arms around her. Buffy looked him in the eyes "At the moment I don't care if you blame Ren or not. What you *don't* do is blame yourself Xander. Do you understand?"

Xander closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Buffy's "Buffy, I've been think-"

"Do you *understand* Xander?" Buffy broke in.

Xander pulled away and looked back at her "Buffy you don't-"

"Promise me honey" Buffy said softly "It's not you fault. You have to promise me you won't think that."

Xander allowed himself to be pulled into Buffy's embrace "I promise"

-------------------

Ren turned over in her sleep and a flailing arm hit Giles lightly on his chest. Giles' eyes fluttered open and focused on the hand before they followed an invisible path up the rest of the appendage to its owner.

Gently, Giles plucked Ren's hand from him and tucked it down by her side. Careful not to wake her, he got out of the bed and slipped on his robe before tip toeing his way towards the stairs.

He got about two steps down before he heard:

"If you're making breakfast, I'll have toast and coffee."

"I should have known you weren't asleep," Giles said as he walked back up the stairs. He leant against the wall leading into his bedroom.

Ren had turned over and now peered out at Giles from underneath her hair "What can I say. After nearly two centuries of not needing to, I'm kind of a light sleeper" she shooed him away with her hand. "Go make food."

Giles crossed his arms in front of his chest and arched an eyebrow at her. "And your last slave died of *what* exactly?"

"Oh, I had to kill her." Ren pushed her hair out of her face. "She kept ironing creases down the middle of my jeans." 

"The horror. Anything else you don't want me doing while you're here?"

Ren sat up, pulling the covers around her. "That all depends on how long I'm staying, doesn't it?" with a slight grin.

Giles heard the seriousness behind the last question. "I think that's up to you, isn't it"

"Oh no, I asked the question first." 

Giles lost himself for a moment as he just looked at her. "Forever," he heard himself murmur //Oops//.

Ren blushed, something Giles hadn't seen her do for a *very* long time. She began to study the carpet. Giles just stood where he was, not risking saying anything else.

Soon Ren looked back up at him. "So… toast and coffee?" 

"On its way." Giles trusted himself to speak again. He turned, giving Ren a brief smile as he did so and began to make his way down the stairs again, hoping that Ren couldn't hear him smacking his palm repeatedly against his forehead as he did so.

-------------------

"Ow ow ow" Xander also winced as Buffy jostled past him. "Shoulder… very much *ow* here"

"I *told* you to wear the pads didn't I?"

"Yes, and now I know better." Xander massaged his shoulder and trying to ignore other aches and pains from that mornings mini Slayer training session. He followed Buffy as they walked towards the car. "Thank you honey, for making an example of me."

Buffy turned around and stuck her tongue out at him then grinned "Come on, I wanna go shopping already" she grinned again when Xander groaned. Buffy walked up to him and took hold of the arm that wasn't hurting and gently tugged Xander towards the car.

"It's only shopping Xander. Not the end of the world."

"Yeah? Buffy, I don't know what's scarier," Xander replied, "I've *seen* you with a store card."

Buffy mock glared at him "Those store cards are the ones buying you new clothes" Buffy retorted "Ones that *I'm* choosing"

Xander pouted "I don't even get *one* Hawaiian print?"

Buffy shook her head before reaching up and pulling Xander's head downwards, kissing him leisurely. "I like it better when you don't wear them" she told him after they drew apart.

Xander grinned "You mean you like it when I don't wear anything."

Buffy just grinned back and turned to unlock the car door. The playful banter between the two of them was something that she'd missed the last couple of days. Especially after last night.

It had been late that previous night when she and Xander had finally got home and barely a few words had passed between them during the time they'd spent together. Then when they'd got home, Buffy had waited until Xander drifted off to sleep before she probably did one of the quickest patrols ever.

When she'd got back, Xander had been half-asleep and Buffy smiled as she remembered how he'd curled up against her when she'd gotten into bed beside him when she got back. It had made a change from the Xander who'd literally turned his back on her when she'd been out on patrol previously.

Buffy leaned back against Xander when he wrapped his arms around her middle. Xander rested his chin on her shoulder. "Whatcha thinking about?" he asked.

"How different things are this morning from last night" she admitted "We seem to have gone from one extreme to the other"

"I'm sorry again for yesterday" Xander murmured in her ear "I never meant to get angry at you."

"And what about getting angry at Giles?"

"I have to apologise…"

"Yes."

"Even though I don't think he's right?"

"Then just apologise for getting angry at him Xander."

Xander sighed "I guess… I guess I can do that."

Buffy made eye contact with Xander in the reflection of the car window "Just agree to disagree Xander."

"What about you?"

"What?" Buffy asked even when she knew where the conversation was going.

"Do you think I'm right?"

"I told you this before Xander. It's not something that I can just make my mind up on just like that" Buffy turned around in Xander's embrace and tilted her head up towards him "Xander, if anything, I don't want to think about it at all. What happened, who's to blame… any of it. I just want to put it all behind us. It's past."

"You don't want me asking again… do you?"

Buffy shook her head then laid it on Xander's chest "It's past"

-------------------

__

(Later that afternoon)

"OK, honey" Buffy stood infront of Xander "I thought I told you nothing with a pattern" she held out her hand for the shirt Xander held.

"Nuh uh" Xander clasped the brightly coloured shirt to his chest "You said I got to choose in this store. I like this and I am *having* this"

"Alright" Buffy grinned slightly "But come anywhere near me in it and there will be no *having* of me of *any* kind"

Xander shrugged "If you want to live without Xander Lovin' then that's up to you. Mrs Hand and her five daughters always like to see me in these shirts."

Buffy's features scrunched up in disgust "Alexander Harris" she admonished him as he walked past her "I cannot *believe* you just *said* that"

Xander turned around and grinned "You'll just have to get used to the shirt then."

Buffy stuck her tongue out at him "You are so lucky that I love you"

Xander gave her a knowing smile "That's not gonna make me put it back y'know"

"Dammit."

Xander leant forward and kissed Buffy softly on the lips "But thank you for saying it anyway."

"Mmm, you're too good to go to waste just cos you're colour blind" Buffy kissed him back, longer this time. "There's a lot of things I'd miss" she smiled "And it'd be such a shame cos we have these interlocking parts that are just going t-" Buffy broke off when Xander hissed loudly in pain and clutched hold of his head.

"Xander!" Buffy caught hold of him as he sank to his knees and before he hit the floor altogether "Xander!"

Several people who were in the store turned to watch as Buffy held in Xander in her arms as he groaned in pain still clutching at his head.

"A doctor!" Buffy called out "Somebody get a-a doctor or something!"

A couple of people moved off and Buffy turned her attention back to Xander, who was no longer making any noises of suffering but still held his head in his hands.

"Xander" Buffy's voice was still anxious but she tried not to let it come through so much "Xander, what is it? What's wrong?"

Xander's eyes were shut tight and he rocked against Buffy "Head… hurts" Xander's voice was shaky. He took a deep breath "Saw… saw Anya."

"What? Anya?" Buffy looked around the store in confusion "Anya? She's not here Xander."

"No, not… here" Xander opened his eyes then winced "Saw her in…" he searched for the word but couldn't find it "What… whatever the hell it was I just had" Xander rubbed at his forehead and took another deep breath.

Buffy stroked Xander's hair "Are you OK?"

Xander nodded and Buffy helped him to his feet "I think so" he said, steadying himself up against her "I just feel a little… groggy. I-I need to, um, sit again, I think."

Buffy looked around and saw some chairs by the fitting rooms. She guided Xander over to them and sat him down, taking the chair next to him for herself. Xander slumped forward and put his head between his knees.

"You don't think you should go to the hospital?" Buffy asked, worried. She ran her hand along Xander's back soothingly "Whatever the hell that was we can't rule it out being to do with you having been in a coma or something side-effecty like that."

"I don't…" Xander sat upright "I don't think it was," he said, looking at Buffy "It-it was like before. Remember I told you about seeing Cordy, in like a vision or something? Y'know, all in white. That something about that was familiar, like de ja vu?"

"Yeah I remember" Buffy frowned a little "And this time you saw Anya?"

Xander nodded "Only this time it was more vivid. *Very* vivid"

"This isn't right Xander and I don't know what the hell is going on" she gave Xander a slightly apprehensive look "If we don't need the hospital then we're gonna need Giles"

Xander groaned "Oh, I was so hoping you weren't gonna say that"

-------------------

"Rupert" Ren called out to Giles as she tossed the TV remote on to the empty seat beside her on the couch "You really have to get cable."

Giles emerged from the bathroom in a bathrobe and towelling his hair. He gave the similarly robed, redheaded woman an affronted look "I sincerely hope you're joking" he said. 

Ren ignored his look "You're missing out on a totally different world Rupert."

"Oh, forgive me" Giles picked up the remote from next to Ren and sat down in the space it had previously occupied "These things are obviously the reason we were given opposable thumbs"

Ren's eyebrows rose a little "It's hard to believe you're the same guy I knew twenty years ago."

Giles turned his head to look at her "In my defence, TV in England twenty years ago consisted of only three channels."

"That's not what I'm talking about Rupert and you know it" Ren shifted so she sat sideways facing Giles and studied him for a few moments "But, you know, I think I like this Rupert better"

Giles attempted to stop the stupid smile from spreading into a grin. He failed. "You're saying I got better with age?"

Ren nodded "You're like cheese."

Giles' grin faded and he gave her a withering look. Ren giggled "Rupert, if you start to pout, I'm leaving right now"

Giles pulled Ren on to his lap and then proceeded to pout. Ren gave him a look but she made no move to leave.

"I didn't think so," Giles said before putting his lips against Ren's. When they drew apart he looked into her eyes "Stay" he said, "Stay here with me. Don't go back."

Ren looked away for a few brief moments before looking back at Giles "I… I can't promise forever."

Giles brushed some loose strands of Ren's hair off her face "I know" he said softly "I know"

Giles leaned into kiss her again but was disturbed by a loud banging on his door. "Ignore it" he said "Whoever it is will have to wait" Giles went to kiss her again but the banging got louder and then he heard Buffy's voice calling his name. Giles sighed and rested his forehead briefly against Ren's who patted him gently on the chest.

"I'll go get dressed" she said, getting up "You go get the door"

Giles stood up "Do you want her to know you're here?" 

Ren paused "I don't know" she headed for the stairs "Look, don't say anything, but, um, if I come down I come down."

"Understood" Giles started towards the door and Ren gave him a quick smile before darting upstairs.

"Is there any particular reason you were trying to knock my door down?" Giles asked Buffy as he opened the door to her "Because I was sort of in the middle of something"

"Can we come in?" Buffy asked.

"We?" Giles then saw Xander join Buffy "Ah."

"Hey" Xander sounded uncomfortable "We kinda have a thing."

"A thing?" Giles looked at them both then sighed and let them through. He shut the door behind them as they walked in. "Alright. What is it?"

"Do you have ice?" Buffy asked.

"Ice? What? Um, yes refrigerator" Giles looked at Xander as Buffy went to the kitchen "But I'm still guessing ice isn't what you're here for" he looked expectantly at Xander "Is it?"

"Giles, I'm sorry about yesterday" Xander said, meeting the older man's eyes "I shouldn't have gotten angry at you like I did. I'm sorry, it's just I have my issues and you have yours-"

"You want to agree to disagree" Giles broke in.

Xander hesitated then nodded "It seems like the best idea at the moment."

"Fine. Apology accepted" Giles conceded "But I don't want to hear anymore about it."

"Understood" Xander replied "Thanks."

Giles gave Xander a nod then looked at Buffy in slight puzzlement when she returned and handed Xander the ice she'd been to retrieve wrapped up in a cloth and then Xander proceeded to hold it to his head.

"What's wrong?" Giles asked, concerned "Did something happen?"

"Yeah" Buffy replied "Xander totally freaked me out, that's what happened"

"Major head pain" Xander explained "Then *major* de ja vu"

"Willow told you about when Xander had that little turn in the hospital when he had a vision of Cordelia, right?" Buffy asked and Giles nodded "Well, he had one again."

"Only this time a lot worse and I saw Anya. Not fun on both counts."

Buffy walked over to the couch "It's freaky and I don't like it" Buffy said. She went to sit down but something caught her eye. She picked it up and her eyebrows raised. Buffy turned back to Giles "That middle of something you were in" she said, "Would that have been your cross-dressing?"

Giles looked at the bra Buffy held up and then back at Buffy "There's a good explanation for that"

Buffy smirked "And that is?"

"It's mine" Ren replied.

A now fully dressed (bar the piece of underwear Buffy was holding) Ren walked the rest of the way down the stairs and stood infront of the other three. She gave a quick smile to Giles "Knew I'd forgotten something" she said.

"Oh" Buffy looked at Ren, then to Giles and then back to Ren again "Um, I guess you'd be wanting it back then, huh?"

"You can just drop it back on the couch" Ren replied. Buffy did. Ren looked around at them all. Giles stood with his hands shoved in his pockets of his bathrobe and was looking at the floor. Buffy looked as if she really didn't know what to say at all and was beginning to shuffle oh-so-slowly back towards Xander who was pointedly looking at anything that wasn't Ren.

"So" Ren continued "This isn't awkward at all" Giles shot her a look complete with raised eyebrow. "What?" she said, "At least I didn't ask them if they wanted a cup of tea"

Buffy turned to Giles "Look if this is a bad time, we could-"

"Oh and why would it be a bad time?" Xander cut in sarcastically.

Buffy shot him a warning look "Xander, we came here for a-."

"A reason, yeah, I know" Xander finished for her "I'll shut up"

Buffy gave him a grateful look and smile, before turning back to finishing speaking to Giles "As I was saying, if this is a bad time-"

"Buffy" this time it was Ren's turn to interrupt "Don't. Look, it's OK. You want to talk to Rupert; I'll go do something… else. Plus" she added "I'm getting the feeling that it's to do with the reason Xander is holding an ice pack to his head and he's hardly going to share if I'm here"

"Oh… um…" Buffy quickly glanced at Xander then back to Ren "Actually, that's probably…"

"Yeah. Gotcha" Ren replied. "Look" she walked over to Giles and put her hand on his arm "There's some stuff I can do" Ren told him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek "I'll check back in a couple of hours" Ren turned and gave Buffy a quick smile before picking up her jacket and heading out the door.

Buffy watched the door for a few seconds after it closed before looking back to Giles "I didn't even, uh… know she was back in town"

"She got in yesterday morning" Giles replied "But seeing as how I'm still standing here in my bathrobe, how about we just get to elaborating more on why you wanted to see me, shall we?"

Xander looked at him "So how long have you two been getting horizontal?"

"Xander, I *don't* think that what Giles meant" Buffy shot him another warning look.

"Oh, but I wanna know" Xander replied, ignoring Buffy "Things are beginning to make more sense now."

"Xander, may I suggest that you keep any comments you may be about to make about Ren being here to yourself" Giles stated "Or at least have them when I can't hear you" Giles paused pointedly "Before you say something you might later regret. Or I will."

Xander met Giles steely look and kept his tone deliberately neutral "I only asked a question Giles"

"Really?" there was no reason for Giles to be convinced "Because the nature of your question seemed to be implying something more"

"Guys-" Buffy tried to butt in but Xander spoke over her.

"And what was I supposed to be implying?" Xander put the ice-pack on the counter behind him "'Cos, I'm kinda at a loss"

"Would you two stop it?!" Buffy stood in between them "For God's sake!" Buffy spoke to Xander "Please, just… can we stay *focused* here?"

"Right now Buffy" Xander replied "I don't think focused is something I can do"

"Xander-" Buffy began but he cut her off.

"There's no point in me being here" Xander's gaze flicked to Giles "He's obviously got other things on his mind."

Giles gave him an icy look "Now look here Xander, you came here because you wanted my help. If you're going to start-"

"Save it" Xander turned to the door "I don't want to hear it."

Buffy caught hold of his arm "Xander!"

Xander snatched his arm back "Leave me the hell alone" Xander shot Giles another dark look before he stalked out.

A look of shock passed over Buffy's face before being replaced by one of determination and she followed after Xander. "Where the hell do you think you're going?!" she called out. 

Xander spun around "Somewhere that's not here!"

"I thought you wanted to find out what happened to you today! That's *why* we came here, *remember*?!"

"Actually, I seem to recall it being *your* idea Buffy. I was *less* than enthused about it"

Buffy looked at him in disbelief "I can't believe you can't *even* be *civil* to Giles. After everything he's done for us."

"Yeah? And what's he *doing* now, huh?!" Xander retorted "Sleeping with the enemy, that's what!"

"Ren is *not* the enemy, Xander!"

"Oh, *great*. So you're siding with Giles now!"

"Yeah, well… maybe I think he's right!"

Xander locked eyes with Buffy for a few seconds without saying anything. He took a few steps backwards "*Fine*" he said eventually "You do that. You obviously don't give a *damn* about anything I might be feeling"

"Xander Harris, don't you dare make this about that!"

"Buffy, if you loved me-"

"Oh , you can stop *right* *there* mister!" Buffy cried "Don't you *dare* pull that crap on me. If I didn't love you so much, I wouldn't be having this poor excuse for a conversation with you!"

Xander just looked at her for a few long seconds before turning on his heel and starting to walk off while Buffy stared after him, not making any move to follow.

Meanwhile Giles had taken the time while Buffy and Xander had been arguing to throw on some clothes and he came back down his stairs to find Buffy, who had just walked back in.

"Buffy…" Giles didn't know quite what to say to her. He'd heard everything they'd said to each other, it wasn't difficult to miss. He walked over to her and put a hand comfortingly on her shoulder.

Tears welled up behind Buffy's eyes and she turned into Giles' touch "I don't know what's wrong" she said in a small voice "This… this morning" she sniffed "I-I thought everything w-was fine"

Giles awkwardly held a quietly sobbing Buffy "Buffy, to put it in your terms" Giles said, "Xander is the one with the problem. He'll just have to deal."

Buffy looked up at him and wiped her eyes "I just don't understand him" she said, letting Giles guide her to his couch. She sat down "I feel like I'm getting somewhere with him then it all just blows up like… like this"

Giles sat down next to her "Buffy, I-I really don't know what to say in situations like this" he sighed "And as for even trying to *start* to explain Xander's behaviour..." Giles trailed off and looked at Buffy's mixed expression of sadness and anger "I never thought he'd get angry at you"

Buffy gave him a terse smile "You heard, huh?"

Giles nodded "Rather hard not to I'm afraid"

"Didn't think he'd get like that with you either" Buffy continued "Ren was unexpected."

Giles gave Buffy an awkward look "Yes, she, uh, was rather."

"So you two are… um…"

"Getting horizontal?"

Buffy looked at him with a pained expression "Thank you again for that image."

"Sorry" Giles apologised "But to answer your question. Yes."

"Well good. I'm happy for you" Buffy gave Giles a sincere smile. She stood up "I'd better go" she continued "I told mom I'd give her a hand with some stuff this afternoon" Buffy then looked a little sad "Actually me *and* Xander were supposed to help her"

"Are you going to try and find him?" Giles asked.

Buffy shook her head "No. He can go and be angry somewhere that's not near me" Buffy walked to the door "And when he does decide to show his face we can finish our little conversation" she added "I'm not finished with him just yet"

-------------------

Xander kicked anything he could find as he stormed his way through the park. He'd had a face like thunder since leaving Giles and as he'd made his way to a place with less populated with people so he could vent his frustrations, Xander had been constantly tossing the thought through in his mind as to whether he was more angry at Buffy or more angry at himself for getting angry at her.

Soon Xander found himself alone in a small clearing of trees. He looked around and walked to the nearest tree, hitting his fist into it. Then wished he hadn't as it was the same fist he'd put into Buffy's wall and it was also on the end of the arm he'd hurt that morning. 

Swearing under his breath, Xander turned his back to the tree and leant back against it. He closed his eyes and slowly slid to the floor.

Xander sighed "Buffy's angry with me" he spoke out loud "I have to make it better."

-------------------

"Is this supposed to make everything better?" Buffy eyed the big bunch of flowers Xander held with distaste "I'm betting Giles didn't get any" Buffy raised a questioning eyebrow at Xander.

"No. He didn't" Xander replied "Buffy, I'm apologising to you here, not Giles" Xander looked at the flowers and then back at Buffy "I'm guessing these weren't such a great idea after all, huh?"

Buffy crossed her arms in front of her chest "That would be a big no."

Xander put the flowers down on the table beside him "I don't know what to say Buff" he said "I can't believe I blew up at you like that"

"Neither can I" Buffy dropped her arms to her side "Xander, this isn't like you. You don't get like this. Not with people you care about anyway."

"Buffy, I don't know what to tell you, OK?" Xander ran a hand through his hair "I just can't seem to… to-"

"Keep you opinions to yourself? Xander, Giles is our friend. He cares about Ren. The least you could have done was keep your mouth shut" Buffy winced inwardly when she saw Xander's eyes flash at that last remark "Xander, look" she continued quickly "Just try to understand-"

"Why can't anyone understand *me*? Why can't-"" 

"*Because* Xander" Buffy answered "You're not making any sense. You're letting people get so close then they say *one* *thing* and it gets completely out of control"

"So I'm out of control now?"

"See!" Buffy said exasperatedly "This is *exactly* what I mean" Buffy gave a short sigh "Xander, I want to help you, but you've got to make the effort too"

"Buffy, I don't… I don't *need* help"

"No?"

"No. I don't."

"Fine. But until you decide you do, you're sleeping on the couch" Buffy picked up a pillow off the bed and threw it at him.

Xander caught it "Buffy-"

"You know where the blankets are."

"Buffy-"

"I'm serious Xander" she said "You don't-"

"I don't understand you" Xander's tone was a mixture of confusion, anger and sadness "You… you tell me one thing and-and then you want me to do another. Which is it Buffy? *Which* is it?"

"Xander, what are you talking about?"

Xander didn't answer her questions "Why can't I do anything right for you?" Why do you have to confuse me?"

"OK Xander. *Now* you're *really* not making any sense"

"That's because *nothing* makes sense" Xander's voice rose. He threw the pillow to the floor "Nothing!" Xander turned and walked from the room.

"Xander" Buffy called out to him to him but Xander didn't turn back around "Xander!" she tried again, following him out on to the upper landing "Xander!"

Xander turned around as he got to the front door. He looked up the stairs towards Buffy and just stared at her.

"Where are you going?"

"My apartment" he answered "I don't have to sleep on the couch there" Xander turned back around and walked out the door.

Buffy stood in disbelief for a few moments before looking to her mother who had just appeared from the sitting room where she had been keeping her distance.

"What do I have to do?" Buffy asked softly "What's happening to us?"

Joyce walked up the stairs to her daughter's side "I don't know Buffy" she held her daughter close "I don't know"

-------------------

__

(Next morning)

Buffy awoke from a fitful sleep only to turn over in bed to find the spot usually occupied by Xander empty.

Buffy frowned to herself as she sat up, remembering the heated conversation they'd had the previous evening. Buffy pushed the hair out of her face and then tied it back with a hairband she took from her bedside table.

Buffy sighed sadly as she caught sight of the flowers that Xander had left, still lying on top of her dresser. //At least he tried//. Buffy sighed again //God, this is going to be a long day//.

Buffy climbed out of bed and threw on a dressing gown over her pyjamas and made her way down to the kitchen, giving the flowers another quick glance before she walked through the door.

Giving her mother an un-cheery "Morning" Buffy took a place at the breakfast counter.

Joyce placed a bowl of cereal in front of Buffy. "Morning" she replied "How are you feeling?"

Buffy looked up at Joyce "You got all day?"

"That bad?"

"That bad" Buffy groaned "Bordering horrible."

"Oh dear" Joyce sighed. She put her arm around Buffy's shoulder "Sweetheart, look, why don't you give yourself a break?"

Buffy tilted her head up to look at her mother "A break?"

"Yes. From all this. Get away by yourself for a couple of days" Joyce suggested "You could go and stay with your father." 

Buffy looked back down "I don't know". She picked up her spoon and started poking through her cereal "I don't know if it's the right time"

"Sweetie, it's the perfect time. Get yourself away."

"Away from Xander you mean."

"No. Well not essentially" Joyce said "It's just you two have been spending a *lot* of time together. Maybe you just need some time apart."

"It's not been that bad" Buffy avoided her mothers eyes.

Joyce moved to the opposite side of the counter and leaned her back up against the sink "Uh huh" she said simply.

"Last night was just-" Buffy broke off and sighed sadly "Oh, who am I trying to kid?"

Joyce smiled sadly at her daughter "Just think about what I said sweetheart, OK?"

-------------------

Later that morning Xander was waking up at his apartment. He groaned quietly as the first thing he realised was that he *had* to groan *quietly* because he had a very bad hangover. He opened his eyes gingerly, then wished he hadn't as Xander was almost blinded by the sunlight streaming in through his window… in his main living room.

//Hey, this is good, I couldn't even make it to the bedroom// Xander groaned again //So much for sleeping in my own bed// Xander then looked around at his surroundings //OK. I couldn't even make it to my own couch. Apparently just the floor//

Xander pushed himself up onto his hands and knees and again immediately wished he hadn't done something. //Moving… definitely not a good idea// Xander wrapped one hand around his stomach and pushed himself up to his feet using the couch. Ignoring the waves of nausea, Xander made his way as best he could without tripping over anything, mainly the empty beer bottles and the empty bottle of vodka, towards the bathroom where, upon entering, he immediately proceeded to hug the toilet.

When Xander had finished emptying the contents of his stomach, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and sat back on his heels //And I don't even remember having mixed vegetables//. Xander used the edge of the bath to help him get to his feet and he went and stood in front of the sink. He turned on the tap and ran his hands under the cold water before splashing some water on his face and then swilled his mouth out with water. Then he finally looked in the mirror.

"Oh… so that's what hell looks like" Xander said to his reflection "And there was me thinking it was at Sunnydale High."

Xander wet his hands again and ran them through his hair but eventually deciding it was a futile effort, he turned on his shower. Kicking off his shoes and then stripping off his clothes, Xander stepped under the warm spray of the shower and then leant back against the tiles, letting the water hit his face.

After letting the water run over him for a few more minutes, Xander finally shut off the shower and stepped out, wrapping a towel around himself. He stood infront of the mirror and wiped off some of the condensation on it so he could see himself. //Well, good that I look a little less like crap now//.

Then another wave of nausea hit and Xander put his hand to his stomach ready to make towards the toilet, but it passed quickly. Xander's finger's though, lingered on the two large scars on his abdomen. He looked down as he ran his fingers over them, following the contours when suddenly he was hit by a blinding headache. Not nausea again and worse than the one he had experienced yesterday in the store with Buffy. Xander screamed out in pain and sank to his knees, cradling his head in his hands as the pain kept reverberating around his skull. Xander's eyes were screwed shut but that didn't stop him seeing the image that he'd been trying so hard to keep out of his thoughts.

Xander's hands dropped from his head and he tried to crawl away from what he was seeing. The pain in his head made it difficult but Xander managed to get out of the bathroom, sans towel as that got caught under his knees, but Xander crawled back into the sitting room.

"Stop it!" he cried, "I don't want to remember this! Go away!"

Xander curled up into a ball and held his head again "Stop it!" his voice got quieter and tears began to form in his eyes "It hurts too much. I haven't done anything" Xander's voice became a whimper "S-stop i-it."

Xander kept rocking "I don't want to remember" he kept whimpering "I d-don't want to"

Eventually the pain went and Xander lay still. Eyes still shut but the tears felt silently down his cheeks. //Why me?//.

-------------------

Buffy gave Giles a tired smile when he got to the store later that morning. "Hey" she greeted him warmly.

Giles replied by giving Buffy and apologetic smile "Sorry" he said, "Bit of a late start I'm afraid. Alarm didn't go off."

"Yeah, it did" Ren replied, walking in behind Giles "I just dropped one his big ol' books on it. Didn't seem to want to work after that."

"Oh, so it was one of *those* late starts" Buffy replied with a slight grin "Yeah, I've had a few of those myself"

"Yes, yes. Alright" Giles tried to ignore the way the two women were grinning at each other "Well I would have called but-"

"Apparently I'm too much of a distraction" Ren finished for him.

Buffy smirked as Giles shot a look at Ren, who looked back at him innocently before finally smirking herself. 

"Fine" Giles said raising his hands "I give up" he walked out towards the back of the shop.

"Oh come on" Buffy called out to his retreating form "We haven't even started yet."

Giles poked his head around the door to the back room "That's very much what I'm afraid of" Giles withdrew in to the back room again when Ren blew him a kiss.

"You two seem to be getting along" Buffy commented to Ren "It's of the good."

"Promise you'll tell me when we start having pet names for each other" Ren replied.

"Oh, so you're, uh, planning to be, uh-"

"Around for some time?"

"Uh huh"

"Then yes" Ren paused "It's going to make things difficult isn't it? With Xander?"

Buffy sighed "Right at this moment I don't think I care" Buffy sighed again "No, wait, that's not true. I care. It's just… hard."

"I heard you two yesterday" Ren admitted "You didn't really give me a chance to get very far."

Buffy leant up against the counter "Xander tried to apologise later" she said a little sadly "But we just ended up having another argument. He stayed at his place last night."

"Have you spoken to him since then?"

Buffy shook her head "I really don't know what to say to him at the moment"

"Buffy?" Giles reappeared from the backroom holding a piece of paper "This order hasn't been delivered today has it?"

"Is that the one from 'Spooky Things R Us'?" Buffy replied.

Giles nodded, then he added "I can't believe that's their *actual* name"

Buffy groaned "This means we're going to have to make a trip to their warehouse today doesn't it?"

"It requires both of you?" Ren asked.

"He can't lift the boxes" Buffy told her.

"Ooh, exploiting the workforce again Rupert? Shame on you" Ren grinned but it quickly faded "You want me to watch the store don't you?"

"If you wouldn't mind" Giles replied "Please?"

"I've told you before Rupert, if you pout, I'm leaving"

"I'll make it up to you."

Ren raised an eyebrow "You think you've got the stamina for that?"

Giles wasn't perturbed "Oh, definitely yes"

"Guys?" Buffy put her hand in the air "Still here."

Ren grinned at her then turned back to Giles "Alright. I'll stay here and play shop."

"Thank you" Giles said as both he and Buffy headed towards the door "It shouldn't take long. An hour… maybe four."

"Ooh, you'd *better* make it up to me" Ren replied, glaring half-heartedly at Giles. Giles just grinned at her before following after Buffy who'd already begun to make her way towards Giles' car.

Ren sighed "I should have stayed in bed."

-------------------

It was a good while later when Xander finally felt able to uncurl from his foetal position. He took in a couple of deep breaths before getting to his feet. He made his way slowly to his bedroom and pulled a few items from his wardrobe and got dressed. 

On autopilot, Xander grabbed his keys and wallet from the side table near the door before shrugging on his jacket and leaving his apartment.

He didn't take much notice of anything as he made his way from his apartment and along the streets of Sunnydale. He wasn't even lost in his own thoughts. Xander didn't want to think about anything until he'd spoken to Buffy. He *had* to speak to Buffy. He had to tell her everything.

Eventually Xander found himself in front of Giles' store. He peered through the window first, not wanting to venture in if Giles was the first person he was going to see. Xander couldn't see Giles, but he couldn't see Buffy either. //Maybe she's out back// he thought as he pushed open the door.

"Buffy?" Xander called out as he walked into the store "Buffy?"

He didn't get an answer so Xander called out tentatively "Giles?"

Still no answer. Then Xander heard movement. "Buffy?" he called out again.

"Nope" Ren answered as she emerged from the back of the store "Just me I'm afraid. The person you hate most in the world" Ren put her hand on her hips "How can I help?"

"Where's Buffy?" Xander tried not to sound anxious infront of Ren.

"Out with Rupert" Ren replied "And before you ask, they won't be back until later"

Xander ran both his hands through his hair. He tried to avoid looking at Ren "I *need* to speak to *Buffy*" he said "It's *important*"

"Well she left, like, a couple of hours ago and neither she or Rupert have a cell phone."

"What do I *do*?"

Ren just looked at him "Erm… *pass*" Ren then gestured to the table "Feel free to sit and wait. But the minute you start getting abusive I'm gonna have to ask you to leave" Ren turned her back on Xander and began checking through some shelves.

"Why… why are *you* here?"

"'Cos I'm sleeping with the proprietor" Ren responded with out looking back.

"I-I d-don't understand"

Ren turned around "Y-you d-don't understand?" she mocked "Xander, it's pretty bloody simple" Ren shook her head and walked forward past Xander who moved to the side to avoid her.

Xander spoke with his back facing her this time "I need. To speak. To Buffy."

"Well Xander, maybe if I'd actually bothered to ask them *where* exactly it *was* they were going, I could tell you so you'd get the hell out of here. *But* seeing as how I *didn't*, I can't. And you're *still* here"

"Why are you doing this?" Xander spun around to face her, his expression a mixture of confusion and anger.

"Doing *what*?"

"*This*"

Ren just looked at him "OK" she said "Now *I'm* confused" she walked up to him "Tell you what, you just sit and work it out" Ren patted him on the arm condescendingly.

Xander flinched back "Don't touch me."

Ren stood eye to eye with him "Now that's a phrase you *never* used to say"

Xander looked into her eyes "W-why are you doing this?" he asked again.

"Xander, I'm *not* doing *any*thing. Look, why don't you just sit down and wait and be quiet 'til she gets back, 'kay?" Ren went to put her hand on his arm again, but Xander flinched back again, more obvious this time.

"I *said* don't *touch* me" he hissed. Xander's eyes flashed angrily but for a split second Ren thought she saw something else. Fear.

"O-*kay* Xander" Ren backed up a little "Just lighten up alright?"

"Don't you come anywhere near me, you understand?" Xander's voice was low, but he was having trouble trying to keep it even.

Ren looked at him with trepidation "Are you *sure* you don't want to sit down?" she asked, her voice now tinged with concern from still caring about him whether he cared about her or not. Ren's brow creased "And come to think of it" she continued "You don't look too hot either"

"I'm *fine*" Xander said, "I just want to-"

"Speak to Buffy" Ren finished "Yeah I know you said that already, but *ow*" Ren's hand flew to her cheek when she felt a flash of pain. A couple of seconds later she pulled her hand away from her cheek and saw a couple of spots of blood on her palm "What the hell was that?" she said, looking around at the shop. Ren looked at Xander who was looking back at her with confusion "Did you see that?" she asked.

"I-I didn't see-" Xander's eyes then focused on something on the floor.

Ren noticed what had got Xander's attention and she bent down to pick it up. It was a small piece of glass, about the size of fingernail, one edge of which was slightly red from where it had sliced across Ren's cheek. Ren stood up and was about to show Xander when Xander ducked as a larger piece of glass flew over his head.

"This is *not* good" he said "What the hell is *this*"?

"I don't know" Ren replied. She turned around to where the glass would be coming from and she saw one of the many glass jars on the shelf to the side of them both trembling slightly "But you're right" she said "That's not good. I really don't think it's supp-" Ren broke off when the jar began to shake more violently. Then she cried out when she didn't turn in time and the jar shot off the shelf and hit her hard against the side of the head, fragments of the glass embedding themselves into her skin. Ren stumbled and hit her head against the side of another table as she fell to the floor, unconscious.

Xander stood still for a few moments in shock. He looked to the place on the shelf where the jar had been and then to Ren as she lay on the floor by his feet, the glass lying around them both. Xander watched transfixed as the blood slowly began to seep out of the deep cuts on Ren's head. He bent down and tentatively reached out a hand to touch them. The trails of blood were hard to follow when they ran into her hair because they were both the same colour.

Slowly Xander came out his stupor. Shouldn't he be doing something? Xander touched her shoulder, nudging her gently. He didn't get a response. He pushed her harder this time but still didn't receive any response.

"Ren?" he called out softly "Ren?"

Suddenly a voice came from the front of the shop.

"Oh my God!" Giles said angrily "What the *hell* did you *do*?"

=====

tbc…


	5. Chapter Five

****

Aspects of Love

Part Five

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xander looked up to see Giles storming towards him. Xander looked back at Ren, realised what Giles was angry about, but before he had time to protest he found himself being flung to one side by the older man.

"Get away from her!" Giles glared at him

"What the hell is this?" Buffy exclaimed taking in the scene before her "What the hell happened?"

Giles had one hand pressed up against the side of Ren's head, trying to stem the blood flow. Buffy looked at Giles and then to Xander, who was just staring blankly at the still form of Ren and Giles who was trying to get her to wake up. "*Xander*?"

Xander snapped out of it and looked to Buffy "Is she-"

Buffy strode quickly over to Xander and hauled him to his feet "Xander what happened?"

"I'm calling an ambulance" Giles said, "She's losing too much blood."

Xander stared at Ren until Buffy caught hold of his bottom jaw and made him look back at her "*What* *happened*?"

"I-I don't… Xander trailed off and looked blankly at Buffy "What?"

Buffy grabbed hold of Xander's arm and propelled him out through the back of the shop. She pushed him up against the wall, still holding onto his arm. Buffy looked at him with hurt mixed with anger in her eyes "I know you didn't do anything Xander but you have to tell me what happened so I can tell Giles. Xander *please*"

"I-I didn't… t-the-the thing i-it flew. T-the jar."

Buffy just looked at him and loosened her grip on his arm "The jar flew?"

Xander nodded distractedly, he was beginning to lose his focus on the conversation. Something else from earlier was trying to push itself back into his mind. "O-off the shelf" he heard himself tell Buffy "There was… was… glass."

"Then why didn't you say that earlier Xander?" Y'know this is just like you lately. You have to make me work so *hard* to get a decent answer out of you" Buffy looked at him with disbelief "God, are you even listening to me now?"

Xander tried to focus back in on Buffy "What? Buffy?"

"I said are you even listening to-" Buffy broke off "Forget it" she said, trying to keep her voice from cracking "I'm going back inside. If you hadn't noticed Ren is seriously hurt."

Buffy went to walk away but Xander caught hold of her arm, managing to fight back his thoughts that were threatening to take him over "Wait! Wait Buffy, I have to talk to you."

Buffy pulled her arm from Xander's grasp "Talk Xander? Talk? That's all I've been trying to do with you for days" she looked at him in disbelief "And you want to choose *now*?"

"Buffy *please*…"

"Xander, *no*. Not now" Buffy replied "I'm going back in there and tell him what you just told me and then I'll go with him and Ren to the hospital. And *then*" she said "*Then* do you know what I'm going to do Xander?"

Xander just stared back at her. He couldn't focus. Couldn't answer.

"I'll tell you shall I? I'm gonna go stay with my dad, at least for a couple of days. Get out of Sunnydale. Be by myself for a few days. Get everything that's *supposed* to be *us*, sorted out in my head. *Then* we will talk"

Xander couldn't quite grasp what she was saying, "You're leaving?" he asked in a quiet voice.

"Yeah, I'm leaving Xander" Buffy hesitated, then she took off her engagement ring and held it out to Xander "Maybe if you have this" she said "It'll help you to think things through" Buffy waited for Xander to take it but he just stared back at her blankly. Buffy swallowed hard and then dropped the ring on the floor by his feet "I'll let you get that" she said before she walked back to the store.

Xander just stared after her, not moving, not speaking. Shortly he looked down at the ground by his feet where the ring glinted in the sunshine. Only it was a sunshine that Xander didn't feel. Xander's world was dark. Nothing made sense anymore.

Buffy was leaving.

Buffy didn't want him anymore.

What did he do now?

-------------------

Buffy followed Giles to some seats in the ER waiting area. It had been about twenty minutes since Ren had been brought in. Buffy waited until Giles sat down before taking a seat herself, putting a few empty chairs in between them. Giles had taken off his jacket and began wringing it in his hands.

"It's the waiting that I think I hate most about hospitals" Buffy said quietly.

Giles turned to her "She'll be OK, don't you think?" he asked.

"The doctors seemed to think so."

"There was an awful lot of blood" Giles said with a distant look in his eyes.

"Ren began to come round in the ambulance Giles" Buffy said, "I'm pretty sure that's a good sign"

"Yes, yes. You're probably right Buffy." 

They sat together in silence for a few more minutes before Buffy spoke again. "Giles, you have to know Xander wouldn't have done it anyway don't you?"

Giles turned to look at her, ashamed of his previous actions "I know. I-I can't believe I-I ever thought-" he broke off mid-sentence and looked at the floor "I just saw Ren there and with all... all the blood" Giles looked back at Buffy "I can't say sorry enough"

Buffy was silent for a few moments "If it… if it helps any, I don't think it registered with him"

Giles frowned at her "What do you mean?"

Buffy sighed again "I don't think anything I said to him got through. He looked like he was in his own little world."

"Why? What else did you say to him?"

Buffy leant back in her seat "After we find out if Ren is OK, I'm going to pack a few things and go stay with my dad for a few days"

"Really?"

Buffy nodded "I need to clear my head" Buffy absently scratched at her finger where her ring would have been.

Giles noticed "Obviously you're serious"

"Things are changing between me and Xander and I don't like it" Buffy admitted "I want him back but I don't even know-" Buffy broke off and laughed a little in spite of herself "Where to start looking for him. I just thought maybe... maybe if I *shocked* him into doing something, it might snap him out of whatever he's in"

"And you think giving him back your ring is the best way?"

Buffy was silent. "Probably not" she said finally. She closed her eyes and slouched back into her seat "Oh god... he wanted to talk as well and I just *left* him there. I can't believe I did that."

"Perhaps you should go and talk to him now" Giles suggested "I'd say between us we've certainly shocked him into doing something."

Buffy turned to look at Giles who looked back at her sadly. "I need to go home first" Buffy said, "Gather some emotional reserves. I can't go to him straight from here" she sighed "I need quality mom advice."

"I'll let you know about things here" Giles said to Buffy when she stood up to go "The doctors said they'd know something soon anyway"

"She'll be OK Giles" Buffy tried to give him a reassuring smile "I've seen people recover from worse." 

-------------------

Xander didn't know how he'd managed to make it back to his apartment. But he had, and now he was there he didn't know what to do.

He felt numb all over. He couldn't think straight. New thoughts had invaded his mind, but that didn't make them any better than the older ones he was trying to shut out.

Xander stumbled over to his couch, gripping the back of it tightly to stop himself from falling. He hurt all over and he didn't know how to make it go away. Worse than the pain in his head, his heart hurt most of all.

Buffy was leaving and it was all his fault.

Buffy didn't want him anymore and it was all his fault.

"Why does the earth never open up and swallow you when you want it to?" he croaked out "Why does it have to be *my* world that comes crashing down? Why can't it-" Xander broke off and forced back tears "Why can't it be someone else?"

Xander let go of the back of the couch and managed to keep his balance long enough to get to the doorway to his kitchen. He leant against the frame and closed his eyes. Xander felt lost. If he didn't have Buffy, what did he have?

Xander began searching through his cupboards. He needed something, alcohol, anything. Just needed something to make him not feel anything. If he could just make it all go away then it would be alright.

At least that was the theory.

If he hadn't drunk all the alcohol he had last night.

Xander slammed the last cupboard in frustration and with a yell he began puling out all the drawers. As the contents of the last drawer fell onto the floor, one thing caught Xander's eye. 

//If I could just make it all go away…// 

Xander bent down to pick up the small knife that had clattered to his feet. Just as his fingers were about to make contact with the handle, both of his hands flew to his head as he stumbled backwards, as for the second time that day intense pain ripped through his skull.

Xander stumbled towards his bathroom. //Painkillers… need to… need to make it stop//. Xander opened the door on his medicine cabinet. One hand pressed up against his forehead in a futile effort to try and ease the pain, the other hand was rummaging around the three small shelves in the cabinet for painkillers of any description. Finally after a yell of frustration, Xander hit his fist into the side of the cabinet, knocking it off the wall and onto the floor after it failed to yield what he wanted. 

The tears flowed freely from Xander as the pain worsened, gripping his head in both hands as he had done that morning; Xander sank to his knees and wept, letting the memories override him.

-------------------

Ren struggled to sit up in her bed when Giles came into her room. She gave him a weak smile. "Y'know there are certain times when I wish I still had certain abilities". Ren gently touched the left side of her head by her temple where the jar had struck and she'd fallen against the table. The cuts she had sustained from the glass were deep but had only required a few stitches and were currently under the cover of a large gauze pad taped to the side of her head.

"The doctors assure me you are fine" Giles smiled back "They just want to keep you in overnight for observation."

"Ah, which means I get to sample the delights of hospital gelatine substances."

"Another drawback of being human and in hospital" Giles replied with a slight smile. He pulled a chair up to the bed and sat down "How are you feeling apart from all that?" he asked.

Ren groaned "Like I've been hit by an exploding glass jar" she replied "What the hell did you have in it Rupert? Or do you have a poltergeist that really doesn't like me?"

Giles looked down at the floor "Um… it was probably some kind of potion that reacted to the others around it" he answered "Made it volatile."

"I'll say" Ren touched her head again gingerly "How's Xander? He didn't get hit by anymore flying potions did he? I think that guy has had enough head injuries to last him for quite a few years yet" Ren waited for Giles to look back up at her "Um… Rupert?"

"Xander's fine" Giles answered her, attempting a smile as he looked back up at her "No more flying jars."

"Well, that's good" Ren said "Although I don't know about the *fine* part" 

"What do you mean?"

"I really don't think he's well" Ren stated with concern "He was acting really strange at the store earlier…" Ren trailed off noting Giles' look "And what aren't you telling me?"

-------------------

Willow knocked on Xander's apartment door "Xander? You in?" Willow waited for a response but didn't get one. With a sigh she took her key ring out of her pocket and searched for Xander's key. Finding it she put it into the lock and turned it, opening the door and then walking in.

Closing the door behind her, the first thing that Willow noticed was the empty beer bottles strewn about the floor. She shook her head "When will he learn the answer is not in the bottom of a bottle."

Willow dropped her bag on the chair by the TV and began to pick up the empty bottles //Jeez, I'm supposed to be here to talk to him, not be his maid service//. Willow took the bottles through to the kitchen and then almost dropped them again when she saw all the mess. 

Willow set the bottles down on the counter top except one, which she kept in her hand, ready to use on someone's head if the situation called for it "Xander?" she called out again "Are you here?" Willow stepped cautiously out into the small hallway that led to Xander's bedroom and the bathroom "Xander?"

Willow couldn't hear anything, but a gut feeling told her something wasn't right. Willow quickly checked in Xander's bedroom for any sign of life but didn't find anything or one. She made her way to the bathroom and pushed open the door but it only opened so far. Willow poked her head around the door and found that the obstruction was Xander.

"Hey Xander" Willow said softly as she stepped easily through the small gap between door and frame and into the bathroom "Why didn't you answer me when I called?" Willow set the bottle she had been holding in the sink. She saw the clutter on the floor and frowned "What happened here?"

Xander didn't answer her. He was sat behind the door, back up against the wall. His chin rested on the top of his knees that he was hugging tightly to his chest and he was staring blankly ahead, eyes red from crying.

Willow stood before Xander and looked at him with concern "Xander, are you OK and that's probably a stupid question 'cos you're obviously not" Willow crouched down beside him and put her hand to his forehead. Xander immediately flinched back, taking Willow by surprise.

"Hey, it's just me Xander" she said quickly "I just want to see if you're OK"

Suddenly as if finally registering that there was actually somebody there with him, Xander's gaze fell on to Willow. He studied her for a few seconds before Willow saw any sign that he recognised her at all.

Xander blinked a couple of time in quick succession "Willow?" he asked hoarsely. 

"Yeah, it's me Xan" Willow managed to give him a small smile "Wanna tell me what's wrong?"

"It won't go away" Xander replied in a small voice. He hugged his knees tighter to his chest "I try to make it go, but it won't" Xander ducked his head and began rocking back and forth "She won't go"

Those last words of Xander's were a barely audible whisper that Willow only just made out. Willow reached out to touch one of Xander's hands, but as soon as she made the slightest contact with him, he flinched back.

"Xander" Willow said anxiously "Xander, what's wrong? Who's *she*?" 

Xander didn't answer her and Willow badly wanted to put her arms around her friend but given his reaction the last two times she'd touched him she didn't know what his response would be to that. "Do you want me to get Buffy?" Willow asked. 

"Buffy's gone" Xander said, still not looking at her "Buffy's not coming back."

"She's *what*?" Willow couldn't help her exclamation.

Xander looked up at her with red rimmed eyes "I made Buffy hate me" his voice began to crack "She doesn't want me anymore. She doesn't want me." The tears began to flow freely as Xander repeated those last four words over and over again.

This time Willow didn't hesitate as she put her arms around Xander, and when he didn't pull back from her, Willow held on to him tightly. "I'm sure that's not true" Willow said in a soothing voice.

Xander's sobs became more audible even when he pressed his face into Willow's shoulder. "I-I can't t-take any… anymore" he choked out "Everyth-thing she said is true. Buff… Buffy hates me like that b-bitch said she would."

"Oh Xander" Willow kept holding him "I really have no idea in hell what you're talking about" she admitted "But I'm gonna stay here and I'm gonna try and make it all better OK?" 

"It's all my fault" Xander wept "I-it was all my f-fault."

Willow began to rock with Xander "Shushhh sweetie, I'll try and make it better" she whispered soothingly in his ear "It's gonna be OK"

-------------------

### Begin flashback ###

Xander hit Tay's hand out of the way when she went to reach for his arm "Don't you *touch* me" he hissed "Don't you touch me *ever* again" he backed away from her.

Tay pouted "But you enjoyed *so* much last time"

Xander ignored her "Where is *she*? Where's Buffy? What have you done to her?!"

"And what makes you think I'm *not* Buffy" Tay said, moving quickly towards Xander and managing to get hold of him before he could get away.

Xander looked directly into her eyes "Because she would never had done what you did." Xander said, "Tara hypnotised me. I remember what you said… you *used* me and-and Buffy would never have done that to me. Where is she?!" Xander struggled to get away but Tay had a firm grip on his wrist.

Tay smiled and waved her hand and suddenly Xander saw the small camera on the wall above the door "Buffy's everywhere" Tay said "She knows *everything*"

"W-what… I-" Xander was silenced by lips being forced onto his, he tried to pull away but a hand gripped his head hard from behind.

Then Tay pulled back, letting go of Xander "Buffy knows *everything*"

Xander made a bolt for the door but she was quicker and by the time Xander got anywhere near the door Tay was standing in front of it, blocking his exit.

"Sorry honey" Tay shoved him backwards and Xander hit the floor "But you're not going anywhere."

Xander scrambled back towards the wall "I don't understand! Why are you doing this?! *Who* *are* you?!"

"Well of course you don't understand *honey*. You're not supposed to. And as for why I'm doing this… well…" Tay walked towards him and Xander looked up at her "My name is Tranquillity. Tay for short. I believe you knew my sister Serendipity *very* well"

Xander's eyes widened "Sisters? I-I didn't know-"

"You broke Ren's heart" Tay interrupted "Did you know that? Now that wasn't very nice of you was it?"

Xander tried to get to his feet but she pushed him back down again "I didn't-" Xander began.

"Oh I'm afraid you did" Tay said. She smiled "And you still feel guilty for that don't you" Tay knelt beside him and pushed him further back against the wall he had scrambled back towards "I saw your little face when you read the letter I sent saying she wasn't coming back" her eyes glittered "You miss Ren more than you admit even to yourself"

"You-you sent it?"

"Uh huh" Tay moved her hand that was against his chest so that it was gripping his jaw "And like I said. You miss her" Tay leaned in close to Xander "You know, since I've been Buffy" she continued "I've noticed the different ways you've looked at me and I've got to tell you, I don't think the real Buffy would be too happy with some of them" 

Xander gasped in pain when Tay increased the pressure on his lower jaw. Tay grinned and continued "I *know* some of those looks were because you were remembering times past" Tay drawled. She smirked and drew back from Xander "But that's quite enough of that" she sighed and shook her head "Look at this, you started to distract me from what I came here to do."

"And-" Xander grimaced as Tay stood up and not releasing her grip, she hauled him up at the same time "What's that?"

"I'm going to kill you" Tay replied "And your little girlfriend is going to watch" Tay grabbed hold of the back of Xander's sweater and then released her hold on his jaw. She moved to behind him and manoeuvred him so that he was in front of the camera.

"Buffy doesn't have much longer left herself" Tay continued "Just long enough to watch you die before her eyes.

Xander tried to twist away but Tay caught hold of his arm and held him in place "Why are you doing this?" Xander asked as he still continued to struggle.

"Because I can" Tay replied. She let go of his sweater and grabbed a handful of his hair, pulling his head back. She let go of his arm and held out the now free hand in front of her and suddenly a knife materialised from nowhere in her palm.

"Say bye bye" Tay hissed cruelly in Xander's ear and she pulled his head even further, exposing more of Xander's throat "Your little bitch girlfriend is gonna get such a kick outta watching all this"

In all the ways Xander had imagined his death, this hadn't been one of them. The throat slitting maybe, but not it happening infront of the woman he loved. Not because someone thought it was *fun*, something to get their kicks out of. But one thing had always remained constant in the way he would die and that was that he would fight until the bitter end, hopefully taking with him the person or persons who were making it happen.

But not this time. Xander was numb with fear. The only thing he could feel was the knife against his throat and Tay's warm breath on his neck. He swallowed hard when he felt the sharp blade break his skin and the blood rushing to the surface. Xander closed his eyes and waited for the knife to continue its path across his throat. But it didn't happen

Instead Xander found himself being shoved forward, hard. He didn't even have time to put his hands out to break his fall, breaking it with his face instead.

Before he could scramble to his feet, Tay had managed to turn him over so he was on his back and she sat straddling his stomach. Tay tossed the knife to one side and grabbed hold of Xander's wrists as his defence mechanisms finally kicked in and he tried to lash out at her. Tay grinned evilly as she pinned them both down on the ground above his head.

"Xander baby" she crooned in a sickly sweet voice "Why are you struggling?" Tay pouted "You never played hard to get before."

Xander tried to kick his legs out to try and throw Tay off him but as soon as he went to move them they suddenly felt like lead, almost trying to sink into the floor by themselves. He couldn't move them at all. Somehow Xander knew it was something Tay had done.

Tay shook her head "Now you *can't* struggle can you?" Tay leaned further down towards Xander so their faces were millimetres apart. Xander kept trying to move away from her, but Tay took one of her hands from Xander's wrists and used it took grab a handful of his hair, holding him still. Tay looked into his eyes; her own blues ones glittering dangerously.

"You're probably wondering why I don't just kill you and get it over with aren't you?" she asked. 

Xander didn't answer her. Tay drew back a little and then lifted his head up by his hair and then smashed it back down against the floor. Xander did well not to cry out in pain, determined not to give Tay the satisfaction.

"*Aren't* *you*?" Tay said again with more force. Xander still didn't answer her and had his head thumped onto the floor again for his efforts. This time he couldn't help but let out hiss of pain as his head connected with the hard floor.

"Oh sorry honey, did that hurt?" Tay looked at him with mock concern then she grinned cruelly again "Want me to kiss it better?" Tay pulled hard on his hair again and Xander grimaced. He stared up into Tay's eyes as she leaned forward again "Surely you can't have forgotten" she continued in a husky voice "The fun times we had? The hours spent-" Tay brushed her lips against his and Xander tried to squirm away. Tay took his bottom lip between her teeth and bit hard, drawing blood "-naked together."

Xander stared coldly back up at her "There weren't *that* *many* hours" he said in a voice that matched his stare "As I recall"

"Oh so you do *recall* then" Tay murmured against his lips, shifting further back down Xander's body so she was now straddling his hips "I'd thought you'd forgotten" Tay's grasp on Xander's hair loosened and she began running her fingers through it instead "Y'know, I wonder what Buffy made of it all. She really didn't seem to thrilled when I told her about our little bump and grind sessions."

"Just so we're clear" Xander eyes bored into hers "You know I hate you, right?"

"Pretty much a given mate" Tay replied, uncaring "I'm an evil bitch. It's understandable that you have those kinds of feelings towards me."

"You're also an *insane* evil bitch"

"Well, now you're going too far" she pouted "I'm hurt" Tay let go of Xander's wrists, but Xander still couldn't move them as they seemed to be held down by invisible bonds. Tay sat up and put her hands on her hips "But I'll live. Which is more than I can say for you" Tay tilted her head to one side and sighed "Y'know, I really think Buffy's going to hate you, y'know, during the time that both of you have left"

Xander was silent. He glared at Tay. //Buffy wouldn't hate me would she? She'd know it wasn't my fault, wouldn't she?//

"It's all your fault as well" Tay continued "I mean, come on, you're supposed to be desperately in love with the girl and you couldn't even see through my flimsy charade. I'd be *very* disappointed in you if I were her. Imagine what her last thoughts would be" Tay carried on "She'll be watching you die, all the time thinking that if only you'd *seen* earlier, y'know, *thought* about it more, you'd have been able to avoid all this… this-" Tay held out one of her hands and the knife she'd discarded earlier flew back into her palm. She smirked "Heartache."

Xander's eyes fixated on the knife as Tay brought it closer and closer towards his face. When Tay brought knife to his cheek, he turned his attention to her and held her look as she pressed the sharp tip into his flesh. He tried not to flinch when he felt his flesh tear as Tay dragged the blade downwards.

Tay then brought the knife up and held it infront of them both "You've only got yourself to blame" Tay said again in a quiet, dangerous voice "You could have stopped all this before it got out of hand and before anyone got…" she smiled thinly "*Too* hurt" Tay leant closer to him "You could have saved her"

Suddenly Xander felt the weights that had been holding down his arms and legs lifted. Tay just kept smiling at him "I know you wanna hit me Xan. Come on, take your best shot."

Xander used his sudden adrenaline rush combined with momentum and hate to flip them both over, reversing their positions. He held down her wrists as she had his. "I might just take you up on that offer."

"You really like being on top don't you?" Tay gave a short laugh then looked at him expectantly "Well come on, hit me then. It's not like you've got all day" she then smirked "Or perhaps you've only just figured out that you can't hit me with you hands holding down mine. Hey, maybe I should help you out."

Before Xander even knew what had happened he felt himself flying through he air. He hit the wall over the opposite side of the room, hard. Hard enough for the plaster to crack. Tay stalked slowly over to him as he got to his feet, winded and gasping for breath. Xander felt blood trickle down into his eyes from a gash that he'd obviously just received on his forehead. Xander wiped it away and immediately swung at Tay, who blocked his clumsy blow easily.

She shook her head as she grabbed hold of him and threw him back against the wall again "Looks like all those blows to the head are effecting you."

Xander groaned as he picked himself back off the floor again "Well maybe if you stopped *hitting* my head, it'd be more of a fair fight" he retorted.

"Seems reasonable" Tay conceded as she then spun around and lashed out with her leg, her foot connecting with Xander' stomach "Is that better?"

Xander hit the wall again and slid to the floor. Instead of getting to his feet he was doubled over in pain. He spat some blood out of his mouth on to the floor. He looked up at Tay who stood over him "Much" he said sarcastically and proceeded to spit out more blood.

"Good" Tay hauled him to his feet by his hair and managed to turn him around, pushing him against the wall so his face was pressed into it "It's good that we agree on something."

Xander jabbed his elbow back as hard as he could into Tay's ribs. It caught Tay off guard for only a split second, but it was enough for Xander to twist around and then elbow her in the face, making her stagger backwards. Xander was then about to use that opportunity to strike her when he found himself being kicked in the stomach again.

He doubled over, coughing up blood this time. //It's probably too much to hope for that she's not a demon and just a really strong human//.

Tay reached down and picked Xander up by his sweater, throwing him face first against another wall, making Xander wish he lived in a more open plan apartment. Xander felt at least two ribs break and he knew even more were more likely cracked and bruised. Winded and mouth full with the metallic taste of his own blood, Xander was unable to stop Tay as she hauled him to his feet again and slammed him up against the wall he'd just hit. He also wished he'd had neighbours to hear his struggle.

Tay drew back her arm and Xander felt teeth loosen when her fist connected with his jaw. More blood began to trickle from the gash on his head and the other one on his cheek that Tay had inflicted on him. Xander tried to hit out at her again, but she blocked his blow and then jammed one of her forearms up against his throat, lifting him up slightly onto his toes and shoving back into the wall. Xander's arms immediately flew to the obstruction to his breathing, trying to pull her away from him, but Tay was too strong for Xander's efforts to have any merit.

"I find it very fascinating that you actually think you can win this fight" Tay mocked his attempt to get free of her "I mean look at you. You're all battered and bruised. Blood all over your face and struggling to breathe. And look at me. I haven't even broken a sweat let alone a fingernail" Tay gave him a look of disgust "Quite frankly I'm a little hurt you aren't putting up more of a fight. Surely you've had the crap beaten out of you enough times to get some practice"

"It's… never… been… personal… before" Xander choked out "Puts a… different… spin… on things."

Tay smiled slyly "Xander, I haven't even begun to get personal yet." She tugged at the waistband of Xander's jeans "Trust me." Tay's smile got bigger when she saw Xander's eyes widen when she slid her hand down between the denim of his jeans and his skin and then beneath the thin cotton of his boxer shorts. "*Now* I have"

"You're sick" Xander managed to spit out. He instantly regretted saying those words out loud when Tay gripped tightly in her hand something that he really didn't want here anywhere near.

"I thought you said I was… what was it?" Tay got right in Xander's face "Insane?"

Xander glared icily at her //I can think of a few other choice words as well//. "Y'know… it's hard… t-to believe" he coughed out "That you're even related to Ren"

Tay cocked her head to one side "One thing Xander" she said in a too soft tone "How do you know I'm not Ren?"

"You said… you weren't."

"But I'm an evil, insane, sick bitch. I'm pretty sure I could manage one lie" her eyes bored right into his as she continued to fondle "How do you really know I'm not just your extremely pissed off ex-girlfriend?"

"I can see it… in your *face*… in your eyes" Xander claimed

Tay laughed "You know her that well?" she shrugged "Well, maybe you do. You didn't seem to have much of a problem fucking someone who looked like her a couple of nights ago, did you?" Tay slid her hand from infront of Xander around to his behind, digging her long nails into him as she pulled him closer to her, pushing her hips into his and rubbing up against him "No problem at all"

Xander swallowed as hard as he could with Tay's arm up against his windpipe. "St-top it" Xander stuttered out "Stop i-it. Please."

Tay sneered at him and used both her hands to grab hold of him "Don't you fucking say *please* to me" Tay threw him to the floor and Xander groaned in pain again as he felt another rib go.

"Don't you *ever* say *please*" Tay kneed Xander in the head as he tried to get to his feet. Xander's head jarred sharply to the left and he slumped to the floor. His vision was rapidly becoming blurry and he barely had any strength left to fight back, Tay taking his energy each time she hit him or threw him up against a wall.

"Human's break so easily" he heard her mutter as she grabbed hold of the waistband of his jeans and dragged him back into the middle of the room. Tay dumped him unceremoniously on the low, wide table that sat between the TV and the couch.

Tay straddled him again but this time Xander didn't feel anything holding his limbs down, but he could barely move with her demon strength pinning him down in his weakened state anyway. Another knife materialised in Tay's hands. She brought it down to his stomach, Xander tried to use what remaining strength he had to try and push her away. But it was a pointless struggle. Tay just sighed frustratedly and wrenched the knife from grasp, hitting him in the face again for his troubles.

Tay then grabbed his throat with one strong hand, knife still in the other, not quite trying to choke him but certainly restricting his airflow. Momentarily, Xander saw Faith's image flicker over Tay's through his blood, sweat and tears impeded vision. But then when he heard her voice, she quickly became Tay again.

"I wonder if Buffy's watching this, wishing she could be me" Tay said to him coldly as Xander latched both his hands onto Tay's, struggling vainly to free himself from her hold. "Taking out on you all the pain you caused her" Tay continued to torment him, seeing that he was beginning to believe her cruel words. Tay grinned callously "And everyone else? They won't blame Buffy for this-" Tay smirked "*Tragedy*. They're gonna blame *you*. I mean, who else *is* there?" She took her hand from Xander's throat and Xander began taking big gulps of oxygen.

"I-I've never d-done a-anyth-thing to you" Xander managed to croak out as he took in welcome breaths.

"Oh, now that's not true" Tay smiled seductively, trailing one finger down his chest slowly "You've forgotten the conversation we had only a few" she ground herself down onto Xander's groin pointedly "Moments ago?" Tay grabbed the hem of Xander's sweater and pushed it up his body so it bunched up under his arms. Xander tried to struggle but it was hard with his broken and cracked ribs. He slumped weakly on to his back again when Tay backhanded him across his face. 

"Now *now* Xander, that won't do at all" Tay pressed the tip of the knife onto Xander's bare chest just above his heart, breaking the skin just enough to produce one droplet of blood. She looked at Xander, contemplating her next actions.

Xander stared back at her "What? Can't you decide between whether to stab me or grope me again?"

"Actually I was thinking more about whether I wanted to hear you scream or not" Tay replied. Tay trailed the knife over the surface of Xander's upper torso until she reached a point to the left of his abdomen. "And no matter how much it would make me happy" Tay clamped her free hand over Xander's mouth before he could protest "I can't help but think it might attract attention."

Xander's eyes went wide when he felt the cold steel of the knife slice through his skin and muscle of his abdomen. Tay twisted the knife and Xander arched back off the table, his cries of anguish muffled against Tay's hand.

Xander felt his eyes grow wet with tears as Tay then proceeded to drag the knife slowly across his stomach. Ignoring the agonising pain in his ribs, Xander tried desperately to fight against Tay, against the way the knife was setting his abdomen on fire as the knife cut it's path. Xander could already feel his blood rising up through the wound and pumping slowly out and onto his stomach.

More cries got muffled against Tay's strong hand when she twisted the knife again. Xander screwed his eyes shut and his tears that fell no matter how desperately he tried to hold them back, stinging when they rolled into the still bloody gash on his cheek.

Tay withdrew the knife, and with her hand still over Xander's mouth, she closed the distance between them and put her lips to his ear. "Don't worry too much Xan, sweetheart" she murmured "It's all gonna be over soon"

Xander opened his eyes when he felt Tay's weight move off him. Then her hands were in his hair again, gripping hold of him and dragging him off the table and on to the floor. Xander's arms hung limply by his side as he found himself being hauled up to kneel before Tay. He kept his eyes locked on hers as she knelt opposite him. Xander tried to take the opportunity that he was now able to speak to alert anyone who was caring to listen to his distress, but Tay had other ideas, forcing her lips onto his.

He tried to cry out in protest, but it was suppressed by Tay's mouth and it only seemed to push Tay further, prompting her to jab her fingers into his stomach, literally. Xander felt Tay's fingers pushing themselves into his exposed and bloodied flesh and the tears of suffering flowed freely down his face. Xander clawed desperately at Tay, trying to get her away from him but she only held him against her tighter.

Xander's cries of pain had allowed Tay to plunge her tongue into his mouth and it made Xander sicker to his stomach knowing that she got some kind of perverted pleasure out of doing this to him.

Just when he thought he was finally going to pass out from lack of oxygen, let alone the amount of blood he was losing, Tay broke away from him, muttering curses under her breath. Xander thought he caught the words "Sister" amongst them, but Xander was rapidly losing any kind of coherence so he couldn't be sure.

Tay shoved Xander backwards and he hit his head against the low table. His eyes rolled back into his head and his breathing became more and more ragged. 

"Looks like I've got to cut the party short" Xander heard Tay say in an irritated voice as he struggled to focus a little on the situation "Got some unwanted company very much on the way."

Without even hint of warning this time, Xander felt another flash of searing pain ripping through his abdomen. Then there was a blow to his chest from Tay's foot that caused him to roll on to his side. Blood gurgled up in Xander's throat and he then slumped over onto his stomach, the welcoming blackness approaching ever more quickly.

As his eyelids got heavier he felt Tay's breath on his neck "Thanks Xander honey" she crooned in his ear "It's been a real pleasure knowing ya."

Blood began to trickle out of Xander's mouth and onto the floor //I'm so sorry Buffy. Please don't hate me// Xander's eyes finally closed and he could feel his heart slowing down //Please don't…//.

### End flashback ###

-------------------

Willow had moved herself into a more comfortable position on the bathroom floor as she continued to hold Xander in her arms. His sobs were beginning to subside, but Willow knew that they were far from gone. She stroked her fingers through his hair soothingly and moved with him as Xander rocked gently back and forth.

It had been a long time since Willow had held Xander like this. Not since Jesse had died. Xander had put on a brave face for her and their new friend Buffy, but for the next evening he had knocked on her door, crumpled pictures of Jesse and them both in one hand and a bottle of liquor stolen from his dad in the other. She'd held him when he cried and he'd held her.

Willow closed her eyes and rested her head against Xander's. She didn't understand what Xander had been saying when he said that Buffy had gone. Well, she understood the sentence, but she didn't understand why Xander would think Buffy was gone. She'd asked him what he meant a couple more times but he hadn't responded to her questions so Willow just kept holding him, trying to calm him down and wondering what on earth she was supposed to do now. She couldn't get up and leave him, she just couldn't.

Gradually Xander's sobs stopped and he sat still, leaning against her. Willow moved her head so she could see his face more clearly. His eyes were closed but his face was still wet with tears. She couldn't help but frown when she looked at the few faint scars Xander had on his face. A couple were reminders of earlier times when he'd been hurt, but the two largest ones - one on his cheek and one just under his hairline on his forehead - were from his encounter with Tay. And Willow had the horrible feeling that the *she* that Xander had been talking about earlier was Tay.

Willow rubbed soothing circles with her hand on Xander's back "Xander?" she asked in a soft voice "Do you want to get out of the bathroom?"

Xander looked at her, a lost and confused look in his eyes. Willow gave him a comforting smile "It's getting kinda cramped in here. Maybe if we get you to your bedroom-"

"We're in the bathroom?"

Somehow that simple question of Xander's tugged at Willow's heart more than anything he'd said so far. Willow tried not to let it show on her face as she brushed a lock of hair off Xander's forehead. "Yeah. Yeah we are" she replied then gave him a little smile "You don't feel your ass getting cold too?" 

Xander didn't smile back. He turned his head into Willow's shoulder "I'm tired" he murmured.

Willow sighed "Then maybe we should get you to bed huh?"

"Maybe."

"Come on" Willow tucked her knees under he and tugged at Xander "Let's get you up."

Xander raised his head to look at her. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "It hurt."

Willow looked at him sadly "Do you want to tell me about it?"

"I don't... don't know" Xander replied in a small voice. To Willow he looked like a kicked puppy. "Will it make it better?"

Willow wiped some more of his tears away "It might" she kissed him on the forehead quickly "Come on" Willow tugged at him again and Xander stood up with her "Try and get some sleep. I'll stay here and you can talk to me if you want when you wake up."

Xander let Willow guide him by the hand in to the bedroom. Willow sat him down on the bed and immediately he curled up into a ball, hugging his arms around his chest. Willow got on to the bed herself and sat beside him, brushing her fingers through his hair again.

"It's gonna be OK Xan" she said softly.

"Everything was my fault."

"I don't understand Xander" Willow said, "What do you think was your fault?"

Xander closed his eyes "I should have stopped her earlier" Xander pressed his face into his covers "Then Buffy wouldn't be gone now."

Willow took a deep breath "Do you... do you mean Tay Xander?". She felt Xander freeze when she mentioned the name. Willow took her hand away "Xander?"

She saw Xander's shoulders begin to shake, but his tears were silent. Willow blinked back a few tears herself and gently reached out and put her hands under Xander's shoulder's lifting him up enough so his head was in her lap. "Oh what the hell did she do to you sweetie?" Willow said as she tried to comfort Xander "It's OK. Shushhh."

Xander couldn't help crying. He felt so defeated. He'd tried so hard to keep Tay out of his mind. She'd beaten him, made him feel everything was his fault. Made him wish it would all just end so he wouldn't have to think about Buffy abandoning him.

But now it had happened. Like Tay said it would. Buffy had left him and now he didn't have anything to cling to. When he'd woken up from the coma, remembering everything, he'd pinned every will he had to keep on living on to Buffy forgiving him, accepting him back. He'd do anything she wanted him to. Just so Xander didn't lose her.

Willow waited until Xander stopped crying again and she could sense him drifting into some sort of slumber. She reached over to Xander's bedside table and picked up the telephone. Willow looked at Xander before dialling Buffy's number and swore under breath when all she heard was the tone that told her the line was engaged. She tried the number of the store but it just kept ringing. Willow frowned and looked at her watch. It was late in the afternoon, but she knew someone should be at the store. If not Buffy, then at least Giles. Willow tried Buffy's home number again but still got the engaged tone.

Willow dialled Tara's number //Please honey, please pick up... oh yes//

Hello?

"Tara, it's me. Look something's happened. I need you to do a couple of things for me."

What's wrong sweetie? You sound upset. It's nothing bad is it? Tara asked anxiously.

"I'm at Xander's" Willow told her "I can't leave here and I need someone to try and find Buffy for me. She might be at home. I-I tried the store but-."

Oh, I've just been to the store. I wanted to get some things from Giles but there was no one there

"Dammit."

Do you want me to come over?

"Would you please? I think I need someone else here."

Is Xander OK?

"No honey. He's really not."

-------------------

"Rupert. Did you not hear me when I said I wanted you to leave me alone for a while?"

Giles hovered in the doorway to Ren's hospital room. It was just over an hour since Ren had asked him to leave. Ren hadn't taken it too well when he admitted that at first he'd thought Xander might had caused Ren's injuries.

"I just thought you might have had time to think-"

"Like you didn't?"

Giles walked up to her bed and put his hands on the rails on the side "Ren, you can't possibly know how horrible I feel. I-I didn't think, I know that. But I just came in and saw you with him over you and your blood on his hands knowing his feelings towards you and I just got-" Giles broke off and looked down "I'm sorry" he paused before looking back up at her, glad that at least she wasn't avoiding eye contact with him "I'm sorry"

"It's not me you should be saying it to, is it?"

"I know."

Ren sighed "Xander has enough problems as it is."

"Buffy said he seemed to be in shock" Giles sat down, thankful that at least Ren was talking to him, even thought the subject was a little touchy "She wasn't quite sure if he was taking anything in."

Ren frowned at him "He was a little edgy at the store" Giles gave her a puzzled look and Ren elaborated "He didn't even get angry with me, it was just like he didn't want to *be* there with me " Ren paused "He was beginning to weird me out"

"Yes, yes you said before" Giles sat back in his seat "He didn't say *anything* to you?"

"Well he said *stuff* but... but nothing like I expected. I'd prepared myself for this tirade of abuse and I didn't get one" Ren shrugged "I was kinda disappointed, I was really up for a good slanging match."

Giles began polishing his glasses "Yes, he's been rather good at those lately." 

"One other thing" Ren continued "He didn't want me touching him"

Giles raised an eyebrow, not sure if he'd heard her right or what exactly her words implied "He didn't want you what?"

"I touched him on the arm a couple of times" Ren explained "He jumped back. Told me not to do it as well."

Giles was silent. Ren saw the thoughtful look on his face but didn't ask him was it was about. Ren gingerly prodded the gauze pad on her head. She winced slightly "I really hope this isn't going to scar." Ren shifted herself into a more upright position, her gaze flicking towards Giles when he got up and walked over to the window.

"What's up?" she asked.

Giles looked out the window for a couple more moments before turning to face her "What do we know about what happened between Xander and your sister?"

"She beat him to death's door and ripped open his stomach" Ren frowned at the memory "I'm glad Buffy did the same to her."

"But we don't know the exact details?"

"No…" Ren trailed off, her eyes following Giles as he began to pace infront of her bed "What are you thinking?"

Giles stopped moving and looked at Ren "I'm thinking we've missed something horrible" he said bleakly.

-------------------

Buffy called out to Tara when she saw the blonde witch in the lobby of Xander's apartment building. She jogged up to the foot of the stairs to join the other girl. Buffy frowned slightly when she saw the odd look Tara gave her.

"What's up?" Buffy asked.

"Uh… I-I'm not quite sure" Tara replied "Willow asked me to come over"

"Willow?"

Tara nodded "She said she couldn't get hold of you. At home or-or at the store."

"Oh… you don't know" Buffy realised "Giles said he was going to try and call Willow and you from the hospital."

"Hospital?"

"There was a-a… thing at the store. Ren got hurt pretty bad."

"Oh God" Tara exclaimed "What happened?"

"A jar flew off the shelf and hit her on the head. Giles said the stuff in it must have reacted to something."

"Is she going to be OK?"

"She'll be fine. She lost some blood and they're keeping her overnight but other than that…" Buffy trailed off "Why was Willow trying to call me?"

Tara followed after Buffy who had begun to climb the stairs "It was about Xander"

Buffy stopped "Xander?"

"Willow called me from here. She sounded upset…" Tara trailed off and she watched Buffy sprint off up the stairs.

"Xander?" Buffy called out when she entered Xander's apartment "Willow?"

Buffy heard a noise from the bedroom and shortly Willow's form emerged from it "What's going on?" Buffy asked.

"I could ask you the same thing" Willow said. She gave Tara a quick smile when her girlfriend came into the apartment.

"Willow, what do you mean?" Buffy asked "Where's Xander?"

"He's sleeping" Willow replied. She took Buffy's arm and led her away from the bedroom "He's not good."

"What do you mean 'not good'?"

"Buffy, why does he think you're not here. I mean, that you've gone somewhere?"

Buffy's face fell "I said I was going to go stay with my dad for a couple of days"

"Really?" Willow said "'Cos Buffy, I don't think that's the impression Xander got"

Tara noticed something "Buffy? Where's your ring?"

Willow looked at Buffy's hand then back at Buffy in confusion "Buffy?"

Buffy looked down at her hand "I-I did something I shouldn't have" she said quietly. Buffy looked up "I came here to talk to him"

Willow looked at Buffy sadly "He's really messed up Buffy."

Buffy walked over to Xander's room and pushed open the door. Willow had dimmed the lights but Buffy saw Xander's still form on the bed.

"It's probably best to leave him until he wakes up" Buffy heard Willow suggest from over her shoulder "Tara and I, we're gonna go. If you want anything, we'll be at Tara's."

Buffy turned to Willow "Thanks" she smiled warmly.

"Buffy" Willow lowered her voice "He was in a pretty bad way when I found him. I couldn't get much out of him... he was a little... distressed" Willow went on to tell Buffy how she'd found Xander and what he'd been like.

Buffy looked back at Xander, her face etched even more with concern. She walked a couple of steps towards the bed and then perched on the end. Xander lay in the middle of the bed on his side, his face turned into the covers. Buffy brushed some hair off his forehead. She brought two of her fingers to her lips, kissed them, then placed them on Xander's lips.

"I didn't know what to do" Willow continued "Buffy, a couple of things he said…just… Buffy, just be gentle with him" Willow went over to Buffy and put a hand on her friend's shoulder.

Buffy looked up at her "Thanks" Buffy gave Willow a grateful smile.

"If you need anything…" Willow headed back over towards the door and to Tara who was waiting in the doorway.

"I know" Buffy smiled tiredly at both the witches before Willow took Tara's hand and they left Buffy alone with Xander. 

Buffy moved to the centre of the bed herself, resting her back somewhat against the headboard. She lifted Xander slightly and pulled him to her so he lay against her. Buffy sighed and closed her eyes, resting her chin on top of Xander's head.

She sat there with him like that for a couple of minutes before opening her eyes again. Even in the dim light she could see his tear stained cheeks. Buffy kissed him on the forehead and closed her eyes again.

-------------------

__

(A while later)

Buffy was about to drift off to sleep herself when she felt Xander stir against her. Buffy kissed him softly on the top of his head and began stroking her fingers gently through his hair.

Xander's eyes fluttered about halfway open. It took him a few seconds before he realised that he was being held. Xander blinked a couple of times before he tilted his head upwards, expecting to see the familiar red hair of Willow. His breath caught in his throat when he saw who it actually was.

"Hey baby" Buffy whispered softly.

Xander stared at her for a few long seconds "B-Buffy?" Xander put his hand on her shoulder and pushed himself backwards slightly "W-what…"

Buffy smiled as best she could at him without wanting to seem to bright and cheery "It's OK. I haven't gone anywhere."

Xander looked at her with confusion on his face. Buffy brushed her fingers across his cheek and was glad that Xander put up no resistance as she manoeuvred them both into a more comfortable position - Buffy still sitting upright and Xander sitting just to her side and turned towards her. Buffy gave him a mixed look of warmth and concern. She took his hand.

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" she asked.

"But y-you said…" confusion was still evident in Xander's voice "I-I thought you were… were going."

"I know Xander. I know I said that. But-" Buffy squeezed his hand gently "But I made a mistake"

"You don't hate me?" he asked in a small voice.

Buffy's eyes went wide "What? Xander, *no*. Of course I don't hate you. I could never…" Buffy trailed off when she saw the beginnings of more tears in Xander's eyes. She felt herself begin to well up too and pulled Xander into a hug "Xander honey, I don't hate you. You can be frustrating and on rare occasions you do make me angry, but I could *never* *ever* hate you. I *love* you Xander"

Xander's hands gripped the back of Buffy's shoulders tightly "I just feel so horrible" he mumbled with his face pressed into Buffy's neck "I just want it all to go away."

"What do you want to go away Xander?" Buffy asked. She took one hand away from Xander to wipe at her eyes "Is it something I can hit?"

Xander pulled back from and looked down and said in a tired voice "You already did"

Buffy caught his chin and lifted it up so she could see his face "I did?" Buffy brushed one of Xander's tears away with her thumb "What did I hit?"

Xander looked away from her again and Buffy dropped her hand from his face as Xander took a few deep breaths. She took hold of one of his hands again "Xander, what did I hit?" she asked again.

Xander's eyes flicked back to her "Tay."

Buffy was momentarily stunned "Tay?"

"I've been trying to… to forget" Xander said hoarsely as he tried to keep himself from breaking down again "But I-I can't."

Buffy stopped Xander as he was trying to curl himself up in a ball again, hugging his knees up to his chest. Buffy kept him sitting in front of her "Xander don't zone out on me now OK? Please" she said, "I want you to keep talking to me"

Xander sniffed "Sorry."

"No, Xander. Don't say sorry. Just talk to me" Buffy pulled him onto her lap again so he was leaning with his back against her and hooked her legs around his.

Xander closed his eyes and his head fell back against Buffy's shoulder "It hurt" he said in a voice that was barely audible "It hurt so much. I couldn't stop her, she… she was too strong. I tried… I really tried but…" he trailed off, finding it too much to continue right then.

Buffy threaded her fingers through his "I saw how she left you Xander. I saw the mess she made of you" Buffy tried hard not to let the image linger in her mind "But I can't possibly imagine what it felt like" Buffy knew she couldn't, even when Tay had attacked Buffy as well, Buffy was able to handle it… she didn't break as easily as other people. 

When Buffy had spoken to Ren when the ex-demon had returned to Sunnydale after disappearing when Xander was in a coma, Buffy had been more than alarmed to find out that Tay had been alone with Xander for a lot longer than Buffy had thought. Ren had explained to Buffy that it had taken at least fifteen minutes for Ren to clear out Buffy's system from whatever poison Tay had put in it because Buffy kept blacking out and Ren had to keep reviving her to complete the process. Include that in the time it took them to get to Xander's apartment… Buffy didn't want to think about it.

But now it looked like she had to.

"Did Tay tell you that I'd hate you?" Buffy asked.

Xander nodded and gripped Buffy's hand tightly. He needed to know she wasn't going to go away again. He'd been too close this time. Xander took a few more deep breaths.

"She told me i-it was all my fault" he said, "She said if I'd loved you enough then I would have been able to tell she wasn't you."

"That bitch talked too much" Buffy said bitterly "It was hard trying not to let her get at me"

Xander tilted his head upwards so he could look at Buffy "What'd she say to you?"

Buffy averted her eyes from Xander for a few seconds before looking back at him again "Stuff about you two" Buffy admitted in a quiet voice "What you did together"

Xander dropped his gaze from Buffy "I should have known it wasn't you."

"Xander stop it" Buffy said softly "You couldn't have. She tricked you. She tricked everyone. Even my mom OK?" Buffy hesitated before she spoke again "Xander, I'll admit to you that when I think of you two... it hurts. It hurts a lot" Buffy paused "But not like she used you... she just *took* you like… like-" Buffy's voice got more bitter and angry "She took you and made like you were *hers*" Buffy closed her eyes in an attempt to stop tears that she felt threatening to fall "And you *weren't*. You're *mine*"

Buffy's words echoed around Xander's mind. Catching Buffy off guard, Xander turned around in her arms and pressed his lips against hers, kissing her deeply. Buffy easily sank into the needful kiss, kissing Xander back as desperately as he was her. Hands wrapped around each other, they held one another tightly, neither one wanting to put space between them.

When the need for oxygen became to great for both of them, Buffy and Xander drew apart. Their foreheads rested against each other while their breath returned to them in small gasps.

"Mine" Buffy finally managed.

Xander didn't say anything. He pulled back from Buffy and rested his head against her shoulder.

Buffy began brushing her fingers through Xander's hair "Xander?"

"I'm sorry" Xander said softly. He drew back from Buffy and cast his eyes downwards "You shouldn't have to put up with me like this."

"Honey, I'm not putting up with anything" Buffy gave Xander a warm smile when he looked back up at her "You're upset" she continued "You went through something horrible. Anything like that is bound to have an effect on someone."

"You seem to be OK"

Buffy sighed "Sweetie, the first month you were in a coma I barely set foot outside that hospital. I was a complete wreck; it was all I could do to keep myself together. I had to see you everyday, hooked up to those machines, hoping upon hope that you'd wake up and just smile at me" Buffy blinked back tears "You wouldn't even have had to say anything to me. You'd just have to wake up."

"Buffy…" Xander reached out and cupped Buffy's cheek gently.

Buffy put her hand over his "I missed you *so* *much*" Buffy looked at Xander sadly and added in a quiet voice "I still do"

Xander stared back at Buffy. He knew she was right. He'd tried so hard to keep things as they'd always been since they'd been together but Xander had found that not everything is possible. No matter how much you want them to be.

Xander closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath. He opened his eyes again and moved to sit on the end of the bed, his feet resting on the floor. Xander hung his head and looked down.

Buffy stayed where she was, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed. She left a few moments silence between them before speaking. "What is it you find so hard to tell me Xander?"

Xander fiddled nervously edge of the bed cover "I feel so guilty about everything" he said finally "I feel so angry with myself for letting myself get fooled by that… by that evil bitch."

"But you shouldn't Xander" Buffy said "That's what I keep trying to tell you. It's not your fault" Buffy saw Xander's shoulder's tense when she said that last sentence. She moved a little closer towards him //… Something else?// "Xander?"

Xander stood up and walked over to the window. He watched the world outside in silence for a few moments while Buffy, meanwhile, looked at him with a mixture of love, concern, sadness and curiosity. "Xander?" she said again, hoping it would prompt him to do something, say something.

Xander turned around and met Buffy's gaze "Buffy… when I woke up from the coma, all… all I could think of was you. Everything that happened to me before-" Xander broke off and took a calming breath "I remembered. What she said, what she… she did. I thought you were dead too. When the doctors said you were there to see me, I-I felt so happy that you were OK but there was also this feeling inside me that when I saw you that you, I was going to see nothing but hate in your face… and i-in your eyes"

Buffy got up off the bed and walked the few steps to stand infront of him. "Xander-"

"Buffy please… let me finish" Xander took a few more calming breaths because he knew if he didn't that he would only break down again. "But I didn't see it and-and I was so relieved, y'know?"

Buffy took hold of Xander's hand "Go on."

Xander looked deep into Buffy's eyes "But I knew that it could all change just like that" the emotional strain in Xander's voice was becoming more evident "I-I wanted to do everything I could to stop it going bad. I thought that if I just did everything you wanted… everything you asked of me, it'd be OK" Xander dropped his gaze from Buffy's and Buffy took hold of his other hand. "And I tried, but it all seemed to get messed around in my head and… and I just got more and more confused when you said different things" Xander looked back at her "I really did try" he whispered.

Buffy looked back at with confusion "Xander, I don't understand" she told him gently. Buffy remembered he'd said a similar thing the previous night and it didn't make any sense to her. Was she supposed to have done something?

Xander took both his hands from Buffy's and wrapped his arms around himself "I don't think *I* do anymore"

"Sweetie" Buffy put a hand on his arm instead "Try and explain to me. Please."

Xander took another deep breath "I-I don't know whether it was because of what that bitch" Xander could bring himself to say her name "Said or-or what. But I… I just couldn't stop from blaming myself and you kept telling me that I shouldn't, that it *wasn't* my fault" Xander dropped his gaze again. He leant back against the wall and slid down to the floor. He looked back at Buffy sadly and saw the realisation dawning on her face "So I tried, I tried really hard to believe you, to *not* blame myself, but-"

"But you couldn't" Buffy finished for him. She knelt down beside him "Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I never thought that would happen. I didn't think-"

"Buffy don't" Xander caught hold of her hand "This is nothing you've done. I've screwed this all up by myself."

"Xander-"

"No, I *have* Buffy" Xander's voice became clearer and more stronger "I had all that blame and anger I felt about myself and I because I felt I had to follow your words, I had to put it *somewhere*, take it out on something because I still *felt* it. I-I thought if I put it-" Xander broke off and hung his head, burying his face in his hands. He wasn't worried about breaking down anymore. He was just angry with himself.

Buffy put a hand on his shoulder "Was Ren just convenient or was there really something behind all that stuff you said about her?"

Xander looked backup at Buffy who had now sat closer beside him. "She is OK isn't she?" he asked his voice filled with concern. Buffy nodded. Xander sighed and shook his head. "Ren was just convenient" he answered dismally. Xander tilted his head backwards so it rested against the wall but still kept looking at Buffy "That night when she came to see me at the hospital" he continued "I was happy to talk to her, I really was. But then she came in and I *saw* her. Everything that was… that was" Xander swallowed hard "Tay. Everything that she did just came flooding back. Something flipped and I just felt sick. Like my guts were spilling all out again and all that bitch wanted to do was shove her tongue down my throat."

Buffy's reply got caught in her mouth. She stared at Xander with horror and concern in her eyes. 

Xander looked back at her for a few seconds before dropping his eyes. "She was pretty sick" he said quietly.

"Yeah, and I think I'm gonna be" Buffy said, paling as she spoke "I am *really* glad she got shot in the head"

"With you there" Xander added. He looked back at Buffy as she snuggled up beside him. He squeezed her hand back gently when she took hold of it. They sat there for a little while in silence, both just savouring the nearness of one another.

Buffy sighed a few minutes later "So, in this screwed up head of yours when did it become necessary to take it out on other people other than Ren?"

"I was confused" Xander answered. He looked away from Buffy and gazed straight ahead "I didn't understand it when you told me not to blame myself but no-one wanted me to blame Ren either. I got angry with Giles because I trusted him and there he was with the…enemy. The fake enemy. And you" Xander looked back to her "You, everything I took out on you… it was just how I felt about myself. Angry at myself for not understanding what it was you wanted me to do."

"My god, you really were screwed up weren't you" Buffy replied with a faint hint of wonder in her voice.

"In my defence I had been in a coma. It was bound to make me a little nuts."

Buffy just looked at him, catching the faint glimmer of something in Xander's eye "I see the inappropriate jokes are back"

"Sorry."

"Don't be" Buffy told him, a faint smile flickering across her face "I missed them."

Xander still gave her an apologetic smile. He laid his head on Buffy's shoulder and shifted forward slightly to allow Buffy to slip her arm around his shoulder. Buffy gave him a quick kiss just above his temple.

"You don't seem so mixed up now" Buffy said.

"I'd been trying so hard to stop myself from thinking about things that had happened. But after last night, when we fought… everything just began to unravel. I drank myself stupid last night… had the worst hangover ever this morning to show for it. Top that off with a major flashback session of my quality time with psycho bitch… I thought I'd pretty much lost it."

"Oh Xander…"

A mirthless laugh escaped Xander's lips "And that was even before I got to Giles' store" Xander shook his head "I wanted to see you. I was still confused about those mixed messages I thought you were sending me and I thought if I just talked to you about it…" Xander trailed off "But things just went from bad to worse"

"I'm so sorry I didn't stop and listen to you" Buffy spoke earnestly as she turned so she was facing him, dropping her arm from around him "I just thought if I did something to snap you out of your funk…"

"I think it worked."

"Not how I'd planned it though" she said "Not that it was actually a plan in the first place" she added. Buffy smiled warmly at Xander "Everything I said… I take it back. I'm not gonna go anywhere and certainly don't want to stop being engaged to you. We've got a lot to work through Xander and it's gonna take time" she told him "I know that. But we can make it."

"We'll be the Slayer and her emotionally screwed up boyfriend."

"Fiancé."

A small smile started to appear on Xander's face "I notice you didn't correct the emotionally screwed up part"

"You've been in a coma. It was bound to make you a little nuts."

Xander's smile got a little wider "I love you." 

Buffy leant forward and kissed him softly on the lips "I love you too." Buffy stood up, pulling Xander to his feet too. "Wanna get out of this place?"

Xander nodded "I really hate it here."

Buffy took his hand and began to lead him towards the door "Then lets go home."

-------------------

Joyce was clearing up in the kitchen when she heard the front door open. She dropped the dishcloth in the sink and walked into the front hall where she saw Buffy standing at the bottom of the stairs with a worse-for-wear looking Xander by her side.

She smiled warmly at both of them "You two kids want something to eat?"

Buffy shook her head then looked to Xander "You can't have eaten anything all day."

"No, I... I couldn't face anything" Xander replied quietly.

"In that case you should probably try and eat something now" Buffy said. She put her hand on his arm gently "Look, why don't you go take a shower or something and I'll make something food-like."

Xander nodded tiredly and headed upstairs. Buffy followed her mother through into the kitchen.

"He seems a little out of it" Joyce remarked.

"He is" Buffy replied "Things got a little rough for him."

"Oh" Joyce watched her daughter for a little while as Buffy started rummaging around in the refrigerator "But it's not like things weren't a little hard for you too."

Buffy turned to face her mother "Mom, it's a little more complicated than that."

"Than what?"

"Than whatever you're about to go into mom-overdrive about."

"Buffy honey-"

"Mom, please, it's been a long day" Buffy sighed "Can we do this tomorrow? 

Joyce's brow creased just a little "Just make sure you take care of you too."

-------------------

A few minutes later Buffy headed upstairs herself. She could still hear the water running so she knocked on the bathroom door and called to Xander, letting him know it was her and then she went in.

Buffy pulled aside the shower curtain and took some time out to ogle her fiancé appreciatively before her gaze came to rest on the almost identical scars on his stomach.

Xander noticed what she was looking at "Always thought it'd be cool to have battle scars" he said quietly "Turns out… not such a big rush" Xander shut off the water and Buffy handed him a towel.

"I guess I'd be lying if I said you'd stop noticing after a while" Buffy replied sadly.

"Probably" Xander wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped forward and kissed Buffy on her forehead "But you never know."

"True" Buffy smiled a little sadly back at him. She took another towel and looped it around his neck, keeping hold of both the ends. "You look beat." 

"I feel beat."

"Want me to tuck you in?" Buffy gave Xander a small, happier smile.

Xander chuckled softly "Sounds good" Xander brushed some of Buffy's hair back behind her ear. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Opening them again he looked at Buffy with nothing but seriousness. "Can I tell you something first?"

"Sure" Buffy said softly. She reached out tentatively and brushed the tips of her fingers oh-so-gently against his scars "This?"

Xander took hold of Buffy's hand that was by his stomach and nodded "I think… if I tell you everything… what happened between-" Xander broke off and dropped his gaze from Buffy, ducking his head.

Buffy put her arm around him, her hands clasping at his bare back and laid her head against his chest "It's OK" Buffy began to feel him trembling slightly. Not from cold, but from more tears. Buffy held him closer, closing her eyes to stop her own tears that she felt beginning to creep up on her. 

"It's OK" she said again "You don't have to."

"I do" Xander drew back from her and wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. He tried to give Buffy at least an attempt at a smile to show her he wasn't too much of a wreck. He failed. Xander drew in a shaky breath "I almost lost you because I didn't tell you. I don't want that to happen again."

Buffy looked silently back at him, letting him know that she understood. She took his hand again and stepped back towards the door, tugging Xander's hand gently "Come on" she said softly "Lets get you dressed first"

Xander followed Buffy into her bedroom. Xander sat down on the bed while Buffy took some clothes from the closet for him. Buffy swapped places with Xander while he dressed then moved so Xander could sit so he was leaning against the headboard. Buffy sat just to the side of him, close, but giving Xander some space.

There was an encouraging look mixed in with the apprehensiveness in Buffy's eyes "Where do you want to start?"

Xander closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he began telling Buffy everything he could never wanted to remember before about his time with Tay.

-------------------

Xander awoke the next morning to find himself comfortably entwined with a soundly sleeping Buffy. They were both still fully dressed from last night and lying on top of the covers. Buffy's head lay on Xander's chest near his shoulder and her long hair fell over her face and across Xander. Xander tried not to move too much, lest he disturb her, just raising his head a little. He delicately removed her hair from her face and began to watch her sleep.

//I can't believe I almost lost her. I came so close// Xander fought the urge just to sweep Buffy up in his arms and hold her tight to him. He had to let her be. Xander could see that even when she was sleeping she looked tired. He knew what he had put her through and realised that if she had been a weaker person… he'd be alone right now. Xander knew how lucky he was. Couldn't *believe* how lucky he was.

But Xander knew there was still more for them both to go through before things were better for everyone. Xander watched her for a few minutes more before closing his eyes again and began to drift back of to sleep.

-------------------

About half an hour later Buffy awoke herself. She yawned and pushed herself up and away from Xander. Turning a little onto her side, Buffy ran a hand through her hair and cursed a little too loudly when her fingers got caught in some tangles and thus woke Xander.

Buffy gave Xander a sheepish smile when his eyes opened and focused on her. "Sorry and morning" she said.

Xander stretched "Morning" he propped himself up on his elbows, but so he was still lying on his back.

"Sleep well?" Buffy asked.

"Well enough" Xander said "But better than I thought I would" he added when Buffy gave him a concerned look. Xander surprised himself by managing a genuine goofy grin "I had Buffy snuggles"

This time Buffy had to bite her lip to stop herself laughing, although it was there for all to see in her eyes. "Glad I could help" Buffy leant forward and gave him a quick kiss on the lips "You gonna be OK if I go take a shower?"

Xander picked up the concern underneath the question even though Buffy said it lightly. He nodded in reply.

Buffy gave him a warm smile "OK." Buffy got up off the bed and stretched again before walking over to the window while Xander lay back down on the bed. Buffy drew the curtains open a little, letting a few rays of mid-morning sunshine into the room.

"And I have Mr Gordo" Xander stated as he then sat up, holding said stuffed toy aloft "I'm set"

Buffy smiled at Xander "Don't under estimate Mr Gordo" she said "I happen to know he's very good at what he does."

Xander placed the toy back down and got up off the bed. "So are you" he said, smiling sincerely "I keep thinking I've asked to much of you… but you still stay… and you still-" Xander was silenced by Buffy's finger on his lips.

"Xander… I love you" Buffy said and took her finger away "But I'm not saying it hasn't been hard… the arguments… your frustrations… they took their toll on me as well as you" Buffy paused "And I was beginning to feel we were losing each other and I couldn't stand that either" Buffy leaned her forehead against his chest "We've been through so much together" she looked back up at him and into his eyes "How could I not at least try?"

"The last thing I ever wanted-"

"I know" Buffy stood on tiptoe and pressed her lips hard against Xander's, kissing him passionately. Xander responded just as ardently and wrapped one hand around her waist, the other on the back of her head, his fingers threaded into her hair.

Buffy clutched at Xander's back, almost digging her nails into his flesh through his thin sweater. "Don't lose me now" she murmured when they drew apart for air.

"Not gonna" Xander replied breathlessly, kissing Buffy fervently again "Never."

A small moan escaped Buffy's lips when Xander began kissing along her jaw and then slowly down her neck, sending shivers down her spine "Xander?" Buffy asked as she slipped her hands underneath his sweater, making contact with his bare skin.

"Hmm?" Xander replied, although still paying attention to Buffy's neck.

"I still need that shower" Buffy moved her head to catch Xander's lips again in a quick, almost bruising kiss "Scrub my back?"

Xander scooped Buffy up into his arms "We don't need Mr Gordo for that, right?"

Buffy smacked him lightly on the shoulder "Not for what we're gonna do" Buffy kissed him again and Xander carried her towards the bathroom "I want you wet" she said, breathless, seductively "I want you hot. I want you" she kissed him again "*I* need" Buffy kissed him once more "*You*"

They'd made it to the bathroom now. Xander dropped his hold on Buffy's legs so she touched the floor again. Buffy kicked the door closed with her foot as Xander tugged his sweater over his head.

Buffy ran her hands over his chest "Show me how much you don't want to lose me."

Xander kissed Buffy deeply again. He knew she wasn't being selfish. He knew that this was something both of them needed. Something to connect themselves to one another again.

-------------------

__

(Later that afternoon)

Having called the hospital earlier to check on Ren she'd been told the other woman had checked out so Buffy had made her way over to Giles', hoping that Ren would be there.

Buffy knocked at the door and was a little surprised to see Ren answering the door herself. "Hey" she smiled at the older woman "Up and about I see" Buffy gave Ren a sympathetic smile, gesturing to the cut's on her head. Ren had her hair pulled back in a ponytail that exposed the main three gashes that had stitches, the rest of the injuries being only bad scratches

"Had enough of sitting about on my arse" Ren replied with a smile. Ren stepped aside to let Buffy through "And Rupert fussing. I sent him out for some half decent food" Ren closed the door and then realised something "Oh, you didn't want to speak to him did you?"

Buffy shook her head and sat on one of the stools by Giles' kitchen counter "It was you I wanted to see actually. About Xander."

"Xander's OK, isn't he?" Ren asked, concerned "I was worried about him yesterday, y'know, after…"

Buffy shook her head again "There was more stuff that happened after that as well. Some stuff I said to him…" Buffy sighed sadly "It affected him more than I ever thought it would" she told Ren "Willow found Xander last night. He'd had… I don't want to say breakdown, but… everything just finally got to him and he didn't take it too well. Upset doesn't cover it."

Ren took a seat next to Buffy "What? But he's OK now, right?"

"He's better" Buffy replied "Not totally OK though. There's a way to go yet" Buffy paused "That's why I wanted to see you. There's stuff you should know. About why he's been acting like such an… asshole"

Ren narrowed her eyes a little "Does Xander actually *know* you're here?"

Buffy hesitated "Sort of. He doesn't actually know I'm here *right* now. He was asleep when I left. He was a little… exhausted from… earlier" she explained, trying not to look too awkward "But he did say that he wanted to speak to you."

"Please tell me he didn't say that during the sex."

"The wha-" Buffy faltered "H-how did you…."

Ren smirked. "Buffy I've never seen the term 'after-sex-glow' apply to somebody as much as it did to you when you got here."

Buffy flushed bright pink "Um… we were, um… re-establishing some… stuff."

Ren grinned a little "Gotcha." Ren's smile faded a little as she got back on the subject "So, Xander wants to make nice" she said "But *you* want to talk to me first" there was understanding in Ren's eyes "You're protecting him."

"I just don't want him to have to tell it again" Buffy said "If you already know, it'll make it easier on him"

Ren stood up and began to pace a little. She looked across at Buffy "This is about Tay isn't it?"

"It's where it starts, yeah."

"Yesterday, at the hospital" Ren said "Rupert thought that maybe it might have something to do with that but he couldn't be sure. He wanted to speak to you first… test the water. He didn't want to risk triggering anything with Xander if he didn't have to" Ren stood still and faced Buffy "Rupert's still beating himself up about everything… the things he said to Xander."

"Xander understands" Buffy replied truthfully "But he's got his own stuff going on at the moment."

Ren sat back down next to Buffy "Then why don't you tell me about it?"

-------------------

Later that evening Xander sat upstairs in his and Buffy's room. He was awaiting a visit from Ren. Buffy had told him she'd been to see her and had explained things. Xander had been grateful. Even though he'd wanted to speak to Ren first, he hadn't been relishing repeating everything in great detail over again. 

He was just glad that she was willing to speak to him.

The knock on the door startled him, even though he'd been expecting one. The door opened and Ren stuck her head tentatively through the gap.

"There's not a tripwire or anything behind this door is there?" Ren asked, grinning so Xander could see she was joking.

"No, but you might want to watch out for the bucket of acid above you"

Ren pushed the door open further and walked in. The door closed as if by magic behind her, but Ren knew Buffy had followed her up.

Xander stood up and faced Ren. He just stood looking at her, unsure of what to say or even where to begin.

"If it helps" Ren said softly "Buffy told me everything."

Xander ducked his head "I know" he said quietly "Still…"

"Xan?"

Xander looked up at her again and saw Ren was holding out her hand towards him.

Ren gave him a tender smile "Come here."

Xander looked at her for a couple of moments before taking one hesitant step forward "I'm sorry" he whispered softly.

Ren put her hand gently on his shoulder and Xander collapsed forward into her arms, burying his face in the curve of Ren's neck, hoping that it would suffice to hide the beginnings of fresh tears. 

Ren brought one hand up to the back of his head and did well to hold back the tears herself "Oh Xander, I can't believe she broke you" Ren sniffed "I wish I'd never gone away"

Xander held her tighter "I missed you so much" he said hoarsely, feeling a tear roll down his cheek "I'm so sorry."

Ren drew back a little from Xander and he raised his head to look at her. Ren brushed away another tear of Xander's before it fell too far "You don't have to say anything else Xander, I understand. Everything… why you blamed me" she sighed "And I can't say I wasn't hurt by your words, but at least I know-" Ren broke off and sighed again "But it's not something I can hold against you now" Ren brought one hand up to cup Xander's cheek gently and her voice got softer, barely audible "I could never hold anything against you, OK?"

Xander held her gaze for a moment before nodding. They both leaned forward just enough so their foreheads rested against one another's, both closing their eyes, tears waning. 

"We're OK" she murmured, then Ren looped her arms around Xander's neck while Xander's arms dropped down so they were resting lightly around Ren's waist.

Xander held her tightly "Thank you."

They stood together for a few moments more in silence before Ren spoke again "None of this should ever had happened" she said quietly "If only I'd gotten to her quicker in France…"

Something clicked in Xander's mind. He opened his eyes and looked at Ren who was looking back him with regret in her eyes "That's why you went?"

Ren nodded "I missed her by one day" Ren drew back from Xander and walked away from him to sit on the end of the bed "*One* *day*"

Xander sat next to her "I was your job. You were busy saving my butt Ren" he said, "Could you have really got there any quicker?"

Ren hesitated, thinking. "No" she said "No I couldn't have" Ren took hold of one of Xander's hands and looked into his eyes "And you were never just my *job* Xander" she paused "You know that"

Xander still held her gaze "Do you really think we would have worked?"

"We had something" she replied sadly "We could have tried harder, got past all the other issues."

"Like you being a demon" Xander pointed out lightly.

"Like me being a demon" Ren grinned a little "And the fact you had those Buffy-tinted glasses on. Despite the fact I could have easily kicked her arse and got her outta the way, you still would have been wearing them."

"I still am."

"Gee, who would've guessed?" Ren rolled her eyes "Xander" she said with a sigh "If it wasn't for the way you feel about Buffy, you wouldn't have gotten all screwed up like this"

"True."

"And Xander?" Ren smiled a little " I don't want you to take this the wrong way but, well… I'm over you."

Xander smiled a little back "I kinda figured that with the whole you sleeping with Giles thing"

"Yes… well" Ren cleared her throat and spoke more seriously "Please… could you talk to him soon… sort things out…?"

"I will" Xander promised "I don't want anymore badness between us all"

"Thanks" Ren smiled graciously "It means a lot."

Xander smiled back. "Hey Ren?" he said after a small silence between them "I don't want you to take this the wrong way but…" he started off smiling then looked seriously at her "I love you"

Ren smiled and leaned over to hug her friend "I love you too"

-------------------

__

(Two months later) (Epilogue…?)

It was nearing midnight and all around the small area of the cemetery, sounds of fighting could be heard. Suddenly there was a shout and a tall figure flew through the air and landed on the ground with a thud.

All the air expelled quickly out of Xander's lungs but he raised a hand letting the others know he was OK.

"Owwww" Xander groaned as he got his breath back. He did a speedy check around to see if he was about to be attacked. He wasn't. Xander shook his head trying to regain some focus and he moved his jaw from side to side a couple of times. He looked over to Buffy and grinned when he saw the mess she was making of the one-eyed, seven-foot tall, orange skinned demon she was fighting. The others seemed to be holding their own too.

"Ugh" Xander shook his head again and went to stand up. He'd almost made it to his feet when he was knocked to the floor again after being hit by another person flying towards him and they quickly became a tangle of limbs.

"Sorry" Ren groaned as she pushed herself up from Xander "I think I called him one too many names"

"You OK?" he asked as Ren rolled off of him and on to her back "Cuz my ass is definitely bruised"

Ren lay beside him "I don't see why Rupert got the cross-bow" she grumbled "Everyone knows I'm the best with it"

Xander pushed himself up onto one elbow and looked to where Giles, cross-bow in hand, was crouched near Willow and Tara and protecting the two witches while they began to incant a spell trying to reverse whatever magic the demon had started.

"He seems to be doing OK with it at the moment" Xander said as Giles fired a bolt into the heart of the demon that had thrown Xander and then Ren, fatally wounding it. Xander turned back to Ren "And you weren't quick enough when it came to dishing out the weapons."

"Yeah? Well at least I didn't get 'piece of wood with nail in it'" Ren sat upright and bent one knee up to her chest so she could rest her arm on it "Why doesn't Buffy just kill that guy?" Ren demanded as she watched Buffy still fighting with the tall demon "She's just playing with him."

Xander grinned as he watched Buffy slam the demons head into a headstone "But look at her face, she's having so much fun" Xander sat up too "Plus there's only one left" he added "Why not make the most of it?"

Ren sighed and reached inside the leather jacket she was wearing and produced a chocolate bar. She tore off the wrapper and took a bite before offering it over to Xander "Want some?"

"Stupid question" Xander took it off her "Oooh Cadbury's" Xander took a bite and handed the bar back to Ren. They both sat munching on the chocolate while watching Buffy continue to pummel her opponent. Ren waggled her fingers at Giles when the older man shot a concerned look their way. Giles' look quickly became slightly despairing and Ren shrugged gesturing around them that there was nothing for them to fight.

"So" Ren said to Xander "How's them counselling sessions going?"

"Good" Xander replied " A little strange" he added, "She keeps asking me totally off the wall questions. Like, yesterday, she asked me which Sunset Beach character I most identified with."

"So who'd ya pick?" Ren asked, grinning "Y'know, after you pretended you hadn't *actually* watched the show"

"I picked Ben, OK?" Xander replied, with a slight sigh "I mean, he got his girl"

Ren just raised an eyebrow "Ah. And that would be the same Ben who also had an evil twin?"

"*Which* she *also* pointed out. Obviously the question wasn't so wacky" Xander sighed again "So, still having the issues. But she is helping" he added "It's now easier to think of the reasons why I *shouldn't* feel guilty rather than the reasons why I feel I *should*" Xander's gaze wandered from Ren.

Ren followed Xander's line of sight "Reasons like Buffy?" she asked as she joined Xander in watching the blonde Slayer hurling the orange skinned demon against a large tree "I mean about why you *shouldn't*?"

"Yeah" Xander smiled happily.

Ren smiled and got to her feet "I don't know about identifying with" Ren said "But I would have loved to have been Annie Douglas."

"She stole babies Ren."

"Yeah, but she looked good doing it and never went near a turkey baster" Ren stretched and yawned "God I'm knackered" she held out her hand to Xander and he was about to take it when something caught his eye over to the right of where Giles was stationed.

He jumped to his feet and called out "Buffy!" as another orange demon lunged towards her just as she killed the other one.

But it struck Buffy before she could really retaliate and it hurled her across the small clearing where she hit the hard stone wall of a crypt. Buffy cried out in pain when she collided with the wall. Black spots began to dance before her eyes. 

Xander called out to her again and Giles fired a shot but it missed as the demon easily dodged. Ren came at it from behind with her sword, but it spun and just raised its arm and backhanded her so she went flying back through the air. Xander grabbed the sword that had flown from Ren's hand.

"Are you OK?" he asked as Ren grimaced in pain and gripped hold of her shoulder. 

Ren didn't answer but, gave Xander a nod to let him know she was OK.

Suddenly Xander saw the demon head over to Buffy, who was still a little dazed. He charged over to the demon that now stood on top of a headstone, looming over Buffy as she tried hard to fight it.

Giles was firing at the demon to and as it dodged the last missile from Giles, it turned and saw Xander heading towards him, sword in hand.

It hissed at Xander through a row of nasty looking teeth. It was bigger all round than it's friend that Buffy had been fighting, at least a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier. Xander thought the demon was going to make a move towards him and he readied himself, but the demon suddenly turned on it's heel and jumped at Buffy.

There was no way Xander could get to it before it picked up Buffy and hit it's claw like fist into her face and hurled her against the side of a crypt about ten feet away. Xander kept after the demon as it went for Buffy again, hauling her up by her hair and driving it's fist towards her face, but before it could make contact, Xander swung the large piece of two by four he'd been using earlier at the demon's head.

The demon howled and reeled backwards, lashing out at Xander and then throwing him backwards along with Buffy. The couple hit the ground together and Xander saw a long line of blood flowing down one side of Buffy's face and her eyes were closed. He looked up as the demon prepared to launch itself at them both.

Xander focused hard as something he'd thought long forgotten popped into his brain. He chanted the few phrases quickly in his head the required amount of times before shouting out loudly "Ignis!" as the demon was in mid air, ready to pounce on them both.

Xander pulled Buffy close to him and tried to shield her as much as he could when his words had the desired effect and the demon burst into flame in mid-flight.

Xander waited until there were no more howls from the demon to be heard before he dared look up. He gave a sigh of relief when he saw the smouldering corpse of the demon lying about two feet away from where they were sprawled. Xander turned his attention back to Buffy whose eyes were now open. She grimaced and touched her fingers to her head, noting the bleeding had almost stopped. She took her fingers away and grimaced again when she saw the blood on them. 

Buffy raised her head a little and saw the smoking body near to them and then looked back to Xander who was looking at her with justified concern. She smiled at him "That was cool."

Xander sat up and brought Buffy with him, supporting her, as she still looked a little disorientated. "You really OK?". Xander knew that occasionally Buffy got bad knocks but she always recovered pretty quickly - still, he always asked.

"I'm fine" Buffy said, reassuring him "Nothing a Band-Aid…" she winced "And maybe an ice pack and some butterfly stitches won't cure" Buffy grinned at him, slightly in awe "That was still really cool."

Xander kissed her forehead softly "Thanks."

Xander and Buffy got to their feet and looked around hesitantly; Buffy tuned her senses in to the surrounding area, trying to ascertain whether there was anymore danger. There wasn't. Buffy looked over to Giles who was now headed over towards Ren, leaving the two witches to pack up after their successful work. Willow and Tara were looking at Xander with slight surprise, but wearing grins. 

Xander just shrugged nonchalantly "I have a thing."

"I see all that previous destruction of furniture finally came to fruition" Ren said, still holding her shoulder as she walked over to Buffy and Xander with Giles close by her side "Nice work" she congratulated him with a grin.

"Fruition?" Xander said to Ren with a raised eyebrow, he nodded towards Giles "You really *have* been spending too much time with him"

Ren leaned up against the older man, who in turn put an arm around her waist "Yeah, but it's been all good though."

"So that was the famous, um, 'thing' then was it?" Giles said "Very impressive" he told Xander with a smile.

Buffy grinned up at Xander as she wrapped her arms around his waist "His thing is always impressive"

"Oh please" Willow commented as she and Tara joined the other four "Don't you two ever give it a rest?"

"You'd think we'd be immune to it by now" Giles added, trying not to smile at Xander's slightly embarrassed expression.

"Are we all done?" Tara asked, looking around at the others "'Cos I get the feeling everyone just wants to go home and have sex". Everyone gave Tara an odd look. "What?" Tara said, "E-everyone else gets to say stuff like that"

Everyone turned to look at their respective partners, looks were exchanged and then exits were hastily made.

-------------------

__

(A while later that night)

Xander wrapped his arms around Buffy and pulled her closer to him so they were entwined; her back against his chest and her head in the crook of his neck. Buffy sighed contentedly and pulled the bed covers further up around them both.

"That was still very cool," Buffy said.

"Buffy, it was only a few words of Latin" Xander replied "Wills and Tara and Giles can speak it"

"I meant the sex."

"Oh" Xander nuzzled against Buffy's ear "It's just that *cool* wouldn't have been *my* first choice for what you were thinking" he nibbled on Buffy's earlobe.

Buffy tried to melt back as much as she could into Xander "Well when you put it like that…" she murmured happily, content to let Xander continue with what he was doing for a few more moments before speaking again "Hey, I have a thought. Why don't you just do that fire thingy on everything when we go out on patrol and then you and I can spend… mmm… more time right… mmm… here" Buffy sighed happily "I could hang up my Slaying shoes"

Xander tailed off his ministrations despite a displeased whimper from Buffy "It's still a temperamental spell" Xander told her "Ren said from the start it was always gonna be sixty forty against it actually working… well like it did last night, until I get more practice. Until then, it's more likely to be just a little sizzle. *And*" Xander added, kissing Buffy's temple lightly "I know you'd miss Slaying eventually, despite my studliness"

Buffy giggled "Hmmm… maybe" she took hold of one of Xander's hands and threaded her fingers through his "Y'know, I think it's nice that the whole gang is all couply". Buffy shifted in Xander's arms so she was on her side and snuggled up beside him, her arm draping over his chest.

"I know. Everyone has someone. Wills and Tara are just too cute for words and…"

"Yeah, Giles is pretty much head over heels too" Buffy replied. She sighed "But, y'know, I see him sometimes… he looks at Ren like… like he's just expecting her to leave again"

"She's not gonna leave. She loves him."

"She does?" Buffy then yawned "OK. Good enough for me" she yawned again "Maybe we'll have a double wedding."

"*What*?"

"Lighten up. It'll be fun," Buffy said sleepily.

"I don't doubt it Buffy" Xander replied in slightly more hushed tones "But as much as I like them both, I kinda wanted it just to be *our* day"

Buffy let her eyes drift shut "Oh. OK, I like that idea better" she murmured. There was a relaxed silence between them for a few moments before Buffy continued "I want to get married on the beach" she said, tiredness becoming all too more evident in her voice "At midnight"

Xander closed his eyes felt himself begin to drift off himself "Sounds nice."

"Everyone could sit on the sand" Buffy continued "And… and candles. Lots of candles."

"You'd look beautiful in the moonlight" Xander murmured drowsily "I can see you… long flowing white dress… little pink flowers in your hair."

"I'd look beautiful?"

"More than ever."

"I like that" Buffy snuggled even further up against him and Xander's hand moved to rest lightly on her hip "S'pretty"

There was another brief, comfortable silence

"Xan?"

"Hmm?"

"Love you."

"Love you too Buff"

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*~* END *~*

****

And the story continues…. go and read _'Forever Rules : Book One'_ ….


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